Come Undone
by cheekymice
Summary: An event causes Ryan to question himself and his position in the Cohen household. Set in the first series. COMPLETE... rated M.
1. Default Chapter

**Yeay, I can post again, I have obviously served my time!**

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing!**

**Disclaimer - I own nought to do with The O.C!**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 1**

"I can't believe I had sex with Summer! The hottest girl in school and I had sex with her"

Seth was still on a high.

"I had sex with a girl" Seth proclaimed in a loud voice, as he gave a skip and a jump.

"Ahhh Seth you might want to lower your voice a bit" Ryan grinned.

"Summer will kill you if she hears about you boasting in the car park about your liaison."

" But Ryan, I had sex!...I want to shout it from the rooftops. Hey! Do ya think I could hire one of those bullhorns and you could just drive me around the campus"

Ryan gave Seth one of his looks.

"Trust me Seth…girls do not like the whole bragging about the sex thing. Summer will rip out your heart if she hears about this."

"That's what I'm talking about Ry, I totally need your wisdom on this stuff."

Seth looked at Ryan as they both got in the car and pulled away from Harbour.

" I mean, I had sex but it wasn't quite how I had hoped you know. It was kind of awkward. Limbs everywhere, it was kinda quick ya know"

Ryan screwed up his face.

"Too much information Seth"

"I need you to teach me the way, Oh Chino Slut! You must have some tips. I mean, what do you do when you put your…"

"Seth… No!…I do not want to hear about or speak about sex with you O.K. You had sex for the first time and it wasn't great, hey that's life…Do it again. That is ALL I'm saying on the matter. Jeez, are you some kind of pervert Seth"

"But all I want to know is…" Seth squeaked.

" Seth! No" Ryan grinned again.

They drove in silence for a while, Ryan concentrating on the road.

" So are you O.K with Mom and Dad now" Seth asked " The whole Oliver thing"

Ryan sighed.

" Yeah Seth, everything is cool now."

" Cause I still feel a little tension in the air when you're around the 'rents."

Seth glanced at Ryan to see the reaction.

" I…I just feel a little weird around them still. We'll work it out. I'm still mildly pissed off by the whole situation and Marissa isn't helping matters at the moment."

"She still wants to get back with you and I take it you don't" Seth questioned.

" The bottom line is she didn't trust me Seth, she blew me off for that fucker and then expects me to just come running back when it all blew up in her face. I thought she was the one for me, it just turns out she was a carbon copy of my mother and I really don't need that."

Ryan turned the wheel of the car into the Cohen's drive.

" You forgave _me_ Ry, maybe you can do the same with Marissa. We all feel totally bad for not having your back, just don't go all broody on us buddy." Seth looked out of the window. "See Ryan, talking isn't so bad. You should do more of it…anyway about that thing Ry…."

" Seth quit it…I ain't going there" Ryan gave Seth a push as he got out of the car.

* * *

They were still laughing when they entered the kitchen. The first thing Ryan saw was that both Sandy and Kirsten were home. That in itself was unusual. The second thing was the look of concern they both directed at Ryan. Ryan felt his guts clench. Whatever this was, it wasn't good.

"Seth, can we speak to Ryan alone honey" Kirsten spoke softly.

Ryan turned to Seth to see if he knew what was going on. Seth just frowned, shrugged his shoulders and left the room.

" Ryan, there is no easy way of telling you this. I had a call from the prison this afternoon…" Sandy looked at Kirsten.

"Trey" Ryan's voice barely registered.

" No, your father" Sandy swallowed and took a deep breath. " There was a fight, your father was stabbed. He didn't make it Ryan. We're so sorry."

Ryan shut his eyes. A thousand different emotions rushed through his body.

He opened his eyes and realised that he had been holding his breath. He exhaled.

"So what happens next? Um I guess we should try to find Mom. I've got to ring Trey. I should tell him…I should start on the funeral…" Ryan was looking from Sandy to Kirsten.

Sandy jumped in " The coroner will be releasing your father in a few days Ryan, You don't need to worry about anything, son. We've got it under control."

Sandy could have kicked himself. Calling Ryan 'son' at this point was tactless.

"We've called Trey and we're trying to locate Dawn for you. You don't have to do anything Ryan."

" So...the funeral will be in a few days" Ryan asked.

"Ryan sweetie. You don't have to think about this now, we've got that under control."

Kirsten walked over to Ryan, concerned by the lack of emotion in his eyes.

Ryan stepped back avoiding Kirsten's embrace.

"O.K thanks" Ryan looked gratefully at Kirsten. " Sorry… can I just be alone now, please" he pleaded.

Kirsten looked over at Sandy, then nodded. With that, he walked past the Cohens and disappeared into the garden.

Sandy ran his fingers through his hair. Kirsten stood rooted to the spot with tears in her eyes.

"The kid's in shock, we'll give him a while then I'll go and check on him." He enveloped Kirsten in a hug.

" When will Ryan catch a break honey" Sandy felt so helpless.

"We'll get him though this Sandy, I'll go up and tell Seth." Kirsten gave Sandy a sad smile.

* * *

Ryan stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom staring at his reflection. He wondered when the scared little boy would leave him. People said time was a healer but some things stayed with you forever.

The fear and hatred that he'd felt for his father had not abated any with the years. Just as his disgust with himself had grown as he had gotten older and understood more. He realised he was shaking. He wasn't sure how long he had been stood there. He filled the sink with water and splashed his face several times. He had to get it together. He didn't want them to see him like this.

Ryan was sat cross-legged on the bed an hour later, when Sandy entered, physics book open on his lap, pen in hand, apparently calm.

"I'll be in, in a sec, just finishing this off. I told Kirsten I'd make pasta tonight if that's O.K."

Ryan looked up as Sandy shut the door. Sandy frowned.

"Ryan we don't expect you to make dinner tonight."

"Why"

"Ryan I know you hadn't seen your dad in a while…but…" Sandy started.

"Sandy as you said I haven't seen him in a long time, over 6 years, it was a shock but I'm O.K, really."

"I'll finish this later. I'm kind of hungry now." Ryan put his book down and got up, leaving Sandy stood in the middle of the room with a worried expression on his face.

* * *

"Dude I'm sorry about your dad."

Seth stood next to Ryan as he chopped onions. It had taken him ten minutes to get up the courage to say that. His Dad was right, Ryan was acting weird.

"Thanks Seth. Could you get the green salad out of the fridge for me, then grate some cheese? So, we still up for the party tonight? Summer's going too, right"

"Ryan your dad just died" Seth was confused.

"Your point being"

"I told Summer that we wouldn't be going"

"So you are making my decisions for me now huh" Ryan stopped chopping and looked at Seth, then turned to get a clove of garlic.

"Fine I'll go with Luke."

"Ryan don't be like that, I just thought that you wouldn't want to be out partying tonight, I mean your dad dying an' all…."

Ryan threw down the knife causing Seth to jump. Ryan gripped the edge of the work surface.

"For fucks sake, get it into your head Seth. My dad was not like your dad! You're close to your dad, I hated mine."

Ryan's voice was rising causing Sandy and Kirsten to come into the kitchen.

" My father was a mean son of a bitch. I'm sorry Seth if I don't conform to your standard of how I should be grieving, but this is who I am. I learnt a long time ago that crying doesn't help anything and I'm not gonna shed one fucking tear for that bastard."

Oh shit, the shakes were back. Ryan clenched his fists.

Seth stood shocked at Ryan's outburst.

" I'm sorry Seth, I didn't mean to yell." Ryan suddenly felt as guilty as hell for taking it out on Seth.

Ryan grabbed the car keys.

"Can you finish dinner Seth? I've lost my appetite."

Sandy caught up with Ryan by the door.

"I don't think you should be driving Ryan when you are this wound up" Sandy reasoned. "Come back inside and we'll talk about it."

Ryan got in the car and started it up.

"Ryan, just come inside"

" I'll be over at Luke's."

With that, he drove off. The screech of the tyres did nothing to alleviate Sandy's worry.

* * *

"So Chino went off on one"

Seth and Summer had just arrived at Holly's party. The usual mass of people milled around.

"Yup. Mom and Dad are going insane, Luke's not picking up his phone. I hope Ryan's here and not done one of his disappearing acts."

Seth scanned the crowd. He spotted Luke dancing like an idiot, beer in hand.

"Hey Cohen, Summer. Grab a brewski" Luke beamed; already well on his way to being drunk.

"We're looking for Ryan, is he here" Seth yelled over the music.

"Yup he's around here somewhere…what is up with him tonight? He's acting wired. Last I saw he was shoving his tongue down Holly's throat…Marissa did not like that at all"

Seth looked round the room. Sure enough there was Ryan pinning Holly to the wall.

Jesus he was practically dry humping her with a group of water polo jerks catcalling around him, egging him on.

Ryan didn't act like this. Usually he spent his time at Newport parties looking bored and staring off into the distance.

"Ew Chino" Summer exclaimed when she caught up to where Seth was looking.

Seth sprung into action when he saw Ryan's hand move to the front of his jeans to pull down his fly.

Seth grabbed Ryan's arm and pulled him away.

"Shit Ryan! What the fuck are you doing man" Seth was stunned; he had never seen this side of Ryan before.

Ryan swayed in front of Seth.

"You know what I'm doing Seth, you're a man of the world now, eh Summer" Ryan winked at Summer.

"Cohen…YOU told him" Summer shrieked.

"That's not all he told me." Ryan leaned in toward Summer.

"Shit Ryan shut up, you're drunk." Seth was pissed; he pushed Ryan away from Summer.

"Yup… drunk and as horny as hell, so excuse me." Ryan slurred, his hands back on his bulging jeans, fumbling with the zipper. Holly giggled and reached for him.

Seth looked at Summer with a look of panic on his face at what he knew Ryan was going to do next.

Suddenly a big arm reached in and swung Ryan around again.

"Chino, stop being such an asshole" Luke yelled.

" Who the fuck are you calling an asshole"

Ryan took a swing and managed to get an ineffectual punch in.

Unfortunately Luke's retaliation punch hit Ryan squarely on the jaw. Ryan flew back and landed in a crumpled heap on the floor.

"Shit, Luke what did you do that for"

Seth kneeled down where Ryan lay unconscious.

"Summer, call 911" Seth shook Ryan.

" Nah man he's O.K, I didn't punch him that hard. He's just passed out. He started seriously hitting the drink at my house and he's had about a third of scotch since we've been here."

Luke took a swig of his beer.

" We've gotta get him home then. My parents are going to freak if they see him like this. Luke, grab one of his arms."

They both grabbed Ryan and dragged him to Kirsten's car. Summer opened the car and they manhandled him into the back seat.

"Why is Chino being such a dick tonight Cohen" Luke asked Seth.

Seth sighed" His dad died this morning. I guess you could say he's not taking it well."

Summer got in the back with Ryan and put his head on her lap.

"Cohen, if he pukes on me, we are OVER, you got that"

Seth started the car, wondering how the hell they were going to get a very drunk, unconscious Ryan past his parents.

**Tbc**


	2. After the party

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing to do with the OC!**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 2**

The ride home had been uneventful. Seth kept looking in the rear view mirror at every opportunity to check on Ryan. He was in safe hands.

"Hey Summer, admit it, Chino's growing on ya." Luke had turned around and was watching Summer as she stroked the hair off of Ryan's forehead.

"He was a real friend to me when the whole thing came out about my dad. I mean, he totally had my back and he didn't need too, I was such a bitch to him when he first came here. Hell, I damn near killed him in that fire but he still was there for me. That's gotta mean something right"

"Woo how many beers have you had buddy" Seth laughed"You'll be telling the whole car that you love them next."

Luke looked pissed off.

"I'm just saying Cohen, that if Ryan has your back, then he has your back totally. He's defended _you_ enough times Seth. I'm just saying that it's time we looked out for him. That's all."

"Don't listen to Cohen, Luke" Summer gave a glare to the back of Seth's head"I get what you are trying to say. We'll get him through this."

Seth looked at Luke sheepishly.

" Sorry, I get sarcastic when I'm nervous."

"Cohen, you must be THE most nervous person I know then" Summer laughed to lighten the mood.

They drove the rest of the way in silence and pulled up in the driveway and turned the engine off.

Seth turned around and looked at the slumbering form of his friend.

"So, any ideas on how we are going to do this? My plan is to manhandle him around the back of the house and into the pool house and pray that we aren't seen. Does that sound good"

They opened the back door of the car and with Summer pushing and Seth and Luke heaving they managed to get Ryan into a semi-upright position, then with one arm under his armpits, Seth and Luke managed to get him upright.

Unfortunately this was the moment that Ryan decided to wake up. He pulled away from the group.

"What the fuck are you doing" He shouted. He then stumbled backward before anyone could react. The back of his knees connected with a large planter filled with geraniums sending it and himself flying.

The light came on in the porch and the front door opened to reveal Sandy and Kirsten.

"What the hell is going on out here" Sandy barked as he took in the scene of Ryan sitting on the floor ineffectually brushing dirt and flowers off his lap.

"Is he drunk" Kirsten rushed over to Ryan, helping him up. " I can't believe you let him get in this state Seth."

"No Mom, I can ensure you he did that all by himself." Seth sighed.

Sandy came over and grabbed Ryan, who was leaning heavily on Kirsten. He was just in the process of leading him around the side of the house when Ryan doubled over violently and threw up, Sandy's shoes being the main casualty.

Summer gave a loud "ew". Luke and Seth stifled a laugh.

Sandy turned round and glared at them. "I'm glad you found that funny guys cause you are cleaning that up."

* * *

Sandy shifted in his chair; he had managed to get Ryan into the pool house with out any more incidents.

He was now sleeping soundly on his side with a bucket in handy reach. Sandy chose to stay with him just in case he rolled onto his back and threw up in his sleep.

Sandy was concerned with this turn of events. Ryan didn't drink normally and hey, he knew the kid was no angel, he knew that when they went out Ryan had a few beers, but that was usually it. He had seen Ryan looking at Kirsten sometimes when she was hitting the red wine a little too hard and knew what was going through his head. Ryan's body language changed. He became tense, his jaw would grind. It brought back too many memories for him.

The fact that Ryan had acted so uncharacteristically, that he had chosen to get so drunk today of all days, that, and his outburst earlier didn't bode well to Sandy.

Ryan opened his eyes slowly. Shit, it felt like someone had smacked him around the head with a baseball bat and his mouth felt like something had died in there.

The events of the night before started to come into focus, the last real thing he remembered was drinking a large glass of scotch at Holly's party. Things got a little hazy around that point.

How the hell had he gotten home? He looked over to where Sandy was asleep in the chair, then to the bucket by his bed. Oh crap, so he hadn't managed to get past Sandy and Kirsten's radar. He got up and stumbled to the bathroom. He needed to clean his teeth, pee, and throw up, he wasn't sure in which order.

Sandy was awake when he opened the bathroom door. He sat on the bed with two headache tablets and a glass of orange juice. Ryan sat down next to him.

Sandy wordlessly handed him the tablets and the juice, which Ryan took and swallowed down.

"Sorry." Ryan's voice was low.

"That was quite a state you got yourself into last night" Sandy was staring at Ryan, making him more uncomfortable.

"Ryan, surely you, of all people, know that getting drunk doesn't solve your problems?'

Ryan continued to stare at the floor while Sandy waited for a response.

"O.K so you don't want to talk, so listen. Yesterday was shitty for you. We know that, and that's the only reason we aren't grounding you. You are going to apologise to Kirsten for breaking her planter. You are going to apologise to Seth and Luke who had to clear up your vomit, you got that"

Ryan nodded.

"Ryan, I know things haven't been easy for you growing up, I get that but you have to realise that there are consequences to your actions. I know from what you said last night that your father wasn't the best, but you have the opportunity to forgive and forget now. Bitterness will only fester inside you. You have the chance to say goodbye, get some closure."

Sandy sighed.

"I wish I had had the chance with my father, but my mother decided for the both of us that we wouldn't go to his funeral. She had never gotten over the fact that he had left. I had learnt that sometimes people do things that they regret. There was a reason that my father felt he had to leave. My mother never understood that. Ryan you have to learn to let things go."

Ryan shut his eyes, trying to grasp what Sandy was telling him. He wanted him to forgive?

How the hell could he begin to forgive a man who had taken away his innocence? Who had repeatedly hurt him even though he begged him to stop, who had taken away every shred of self worth and had left his son a fucked up empty shell. How do you forgive the man who had left behind such self loathing and insecurity?

He could feel the anger welling inside of him. All the feelings he'd been suppressing for years were rising. Sandy was trying to help, he knew that, but he didn't understand, _couldn't_ understand how he felt.

He got up and rounded on Sandy.

" Get this shit out of your head that we are alike, that's crap Sandy. Our situations are NOT alike, your dad left probably because he was banging his secretary. Shit happens Sandy. You can forgive that? That's great but don't sit there telling me I should forgive, don't give me some sanctimonious crap that I'll have closure. I'll never have fucking closure where that man is concerned."

Ryan stalked to the bathroom.

"Ryan…" Sandy was shocked by the raw passion in the boy's speech.

"Just leave me the fuck alone Sandy"

With that he slammed the door shut, leaving Sandy sat on the bed, at a loss as to where trying to have a heart to heart with Ryan had turned into such a mess.

* * *

" Hey buddy, how ya feeling" Seth had tiptoed in and was now whispering.

Ryan fought the urge to pretend to be asleep and sat up.

"Ahhh It lives! Mom told me ta give you these." He placed a tray down. "The tablets are for your head, the soup will make you feel better according to Mom and don't worry, Rosa made it."

Just smelling the soup made Ryan's stomach flip, he took the tablets from the tray and dry swallowed them, then pushed the offending soup away.

"Sorry for last night Seth, apparently Sandy put you and Luke on clean up duty… I owe you one."

Seth made a face. " It was a punishment for laughing as you threw up on Dad's shoes! It was not pleasant Ry."

"Oh God I didn't" Ryan looked at Seth to see if he was winding him up, he had a sneaking suspicion that unfortunately Seth was telling the truth.

" It gets worse, you upset Marissa by practically humping Holly in front of her, you nearly exposed yourself in front of my girlfriend and Luke decked you…. I'd say Ryan that, all in all, the evening was not one of your greatest triumphs" Seth laughed at Ryan's stricken face.

"There's a reason why I don't drink Seth, and you witnessed it last night. I hadn't partied like that in a while. People didn't give a shit in Chino if you did stuff like that but it doesn't translate well to Newport. Sorry."

" Hey that's O.K. Don't beat yourself up over it, you had a rough day yesterday. We know that. Summer and Luke want to come to the funeral tomorrow if that's alright, you know…to show support and stuff…." Seth trailed off when he saw the look on Ryan's face.

"You don't have to do that, any of you." Ryan sighed" Let me guess. This is some plan you have all cooked up. Cause If I'm guessing right Trey ain't coming and God knows where Dawn is…am I right"

Seth turned a shade of beetroot. "We just thought…"

"I'm not little orphan Annie. I'll be fine on my own."

"Well I don't think you have much choice in the matter unless you want to face one of Summer's rage blackouts…so you're stuck with us I guess." Seth replied.

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair.

" Thanks Seth." It would be good to have them there and Seth would help him hold it together.

Seth fidgeted a bit then blurted out. "So what happened with Dad earlier? He looked really upset when he came out of here. Then they closeted themselves in his study. All I could hear was raised voices."

Ryan got up; the bathroom was becoming quite a sanctuary at the moment.

"It was nothing Seth, he was just annoyed about me coming home drunk that's all."

Ryan wasn't a natural liar, he turned around to avoid Seth's gaze and started to gather some clothes. "I'm going to grab a shower, I probably smell like a polecat."

With that he left Seth and retreated to the bathroom.

Ryan turned on the shower and let it run. He let his back slide down the door and sat on the floor. If he could just make it through the funeral, he'd be all right. He would apologise to Sandy for his behaviour and they could all just get back to normal. He couldn't let his father screw up the one good thing that had happened in his life but he hated the way that even in death his father still had a hold on him.

There was a bang on the door making him jump.

"Just make sure you eat the soup, otherwise Mom will be on the warpath." Seth yelled.

He heard the pool house door shut as Seth left. Ryan rested his head on his knees and just sat there staring at the falling water.

**Tbc**


	3. The Funeral

**Thanks to melanie39 for her wonderful beta-ing**

**Disclaimer - I own nothing to do with The OC.**

**Read and review!**

**Come Undone **

**Chapter 3 **

Ryan sat on a patio chair, his arms resting on his black suit pants. No matter how many times he wore his suit he felt awkward. Today of all days the suit did nothing to make Ryan feel comfortable.

They would be setting off in a short while. Ryan had slipped away to try and get some focus. The fact that he was the only Atwood to be attending the funeral spoke volumes and he was only going because the Cohens had paid.

Also, after his words with Sandy yesterday, he was trying to make amends. He could hardly turn around and tell them that it was the last place he wanted to be.

Ryan felt numb. He had gone to Sandy yesterday and apologised for what he had said and how he had said it. Sandy had accepted it but the acceptance had been strained. Ryan had a feeling that he had managed to push away the one person who he really needed to cling to, all because he didn't know how to ask for help.

Things had been off with the Cohens ever since the whole Oliver thing; the look of disappointment that they had both repeatedly given him had struck deep. That, coupled with Seth treating him like HE was the villain in the whole episode, had shook Ryan's tentative grasp on where he actually belonged in this family. He had tried to make them understand but everyone had been blinkered where Oliver was concerned, a boy who had been around a lot less time than Ryan but had been accepted by everyone unconditionally in a way the Ryan realised he would never be. Trust had been the one thing that Ryan needed but they had let him down, as he had them.

Seth opened the door. " We'd better go soon Buddy."

Ryan shuddered. He could do this.

"I'll be right there."

* * *

Ryan hugged Summer and nodded at Luke"Thanks for coming."

"We couldn't let you do this alone Chino." Luke felt strange to be at a stranger's funeral, he didn't quite know how to act.

They all walked sombrely down the corridor which led to the main room of the chapel. Kirsten opened the door; the room was empty apart from a few rows of chairs. Ryan faltered as he saw the coffin. He looked round in panic at Sandy.

"You O.K" Sandy rested his hand on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan took a deep breath and swallowed.

"Could I go in on my own for a while, before anyone else gets here" Ryan's voice sounded strange even to him.

"Of course sweetie. We'll all be out here, just come and get us when you feel ready." Kirsten's heart was breaking for him, he looked so lost. Seth gave him a sympathetic smile. Luke and Summer held back, not wanting to intrude.

Ryan walked in and shut the door behind him. He hadn't moved away from the door and could hear them talking just out side.

"Jesus Sandy, what kind of a mother lets her kid go though this alone? That woman makes my blood boil." Kirsten's indignant voice rang out.

Ryan paused, listening.

"I tried to get her to see reason but she refused. I know the man was a pig but you'd think she'd be here for Ryan after all she's done to him." Sandy's voice was quieter as if they were moving off back down the corridor.

So they had lied to him. They had told him that they couldn't find Dawn, that they didn't know where she was. Ryan felt sick, sick that they had lied, sick that his mom had let him down again and mostly sick at himself for being here.

He walked slowly to where the coffin was placed. His feet felt weighed down with lead. When he got close he had to cross his arms to stop the shivering. He felt detached, like this wasn't happening. He and Trey had fantasised about this moment over the years, Trey had even gone so far as to say that he would come to Dad's funeral if only to piss on his grave. Ryan never thought that he would have to deal with this alone. He had thought that they would have been united in their hatred for this man.

Ryan had never felt more alone in his life. He looked at the coffin. This was supposed to be the end; he was supposed to feel some sort of release. This man could never hurt him again. So how come he still felt fear?

Ryan thought of all the things he wanted to say to his father.

Only one word escaped his lips.

"Why"

A noise to the left of him made Ryan jump.

A man had walked through a door that Ryan hadn't noticed.

"Ohh I'm sorry. I didn't realise anyone was here yet." The man had the smooth voice of someone who had been around death. "I'll leave you in peace."

Ryan saw a way out. He needed to get away. "Can I get out through that door"

"It leads to a fire exit." The man looked confused.

"Could I use it? I need some fresh air and…." Ryan glanced back at the main doors of the chapel.

"I understand Sir, follow me." He led Ryan through the door and past an office. He then pushed the heavy bar down on the fire door and Ryan was outside.

"Thanks"

The man retreated.

Ryan paced up and down. He had lived his life by using the 'fight or flight' method. So he chose the only option open to him and walked down the block. He couldn't do this. He had tried but he just couldn't face this. Too many things were crowding his head, he felt like he was drowning.

He undid the top button of his shirt and pulled down his tie. As he walked, he knew what he needed to do. He needed to talk to Dawn. He hailed a passing taxi and made the journey back to Newport. Sandy had found Dawn and Ryan knew that a look through his study would probably reveal where she was.

* * *

Ryan had been in deep thought throughout the journey and was surprised when the taxi pulled up out side the Cohens' residence.

"Could you wait a sec? I shouldn't be long…" Ryan asked the driver.

Usually the driver would have been suspicious that the kid was going to do a runner but looking at this house, the driver sucked air in through his teeth, this house was sweet. If this kid lived here he'd be good for the money.

"I'll give you 15 minutes then I'm coming in, got it? You don't want me coming in after you, understand" The driver barked his reply with typical Chino manners.

"Thanks. I'll be as quick as I can." Ryan replied.

Firstly Ryan hurried into the pool house and stripped off his suit and replaced it with jeans and a shirt. He then pocketed some money, which he had been hoarding, and stuffed it in his back pocket.

He then tackled Sandy's office. He knew Sandy would be pissed at him but he needed to do this. He sat down at Sandy's desk and pulled open the drawers, nothing. He then moved on to the filing cabinet. Thank God Sandy didn't lock them. The first drawer contained nothing more than court papers, the second financial stuff.

The third, bingo! Ryan's brow furrowed. A large brown file marked ATWOOD. RYAN was half hidden behind old newspapers and journals. Ryan took it out and opened it at the desk. He flicked though it.

It contained police reports, social services files, photographs, school psychologist reports. Shit, it was his whole fucking life reduced to a large bundle of paper. He had no idea that they had this, that they knew so much about his life. He could feel the anger welling inside of him.

He continued to scan the file. At the back was a section that made him feel even angrier. As he read, it became obvious that they had never broken contact with Dawn, that each month they had been sending money to her. He tore one of the pages out of the file and dumped the rest into the bin. He put his head into his hands. They had said that they didn't know where she was and all that time they had been sending money to her like part of some fucked up leasing agreement. Ryan stood up and picked up a large glass paperweight that sat on Sandy's desk and threw it with all his might at a large framed picture at the other end of the room. The ornament made a satisfying crash as it broke the glass on the frame and the whole lot came crashing to the floor.

He kicked the chair over, then sent the bin flying. His anger not dissipating he slammed the front door on the way out.

He needed to speak to Dawn NOW!

**Tbc**


	4. Unravelling

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**It's a short chapter...Soz!**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing to do with The OC...SIGH!**

**Come Undone **

**Chapter 4 **

Kirsten walked back outside and grabbed Sandy by the arm.

"He's not in there" she whispered.

Sandy looked back at the chapel. "What do you mean he's not in there? He hasn't come out,we'd have seen him."

Seth was looking on in dismay. A few people had turned up, one man in particular was looking at Summer like he hadn't seen a woman in years and seeing where Papa Atwood had spent the last ten, it was making Seth and Luke jumpy, not to mention Summer, who wished her skirt was a little longer.

After 15 minutes, a Mexican standoff had occurred with one side of the corridor (the Cohens and co) looking at the other side (ex-con types). Kirsten elected to go in and check on Ryan.

" I spoke with the minister and he said that Ryan went outside about twenty minutes ago. There's a side door, I've looked outside and I can't find him."

Seth joined the huddle

"What's going on"

"Damn! I was afraid of this. Ryan's gone." Sandy's voice was tight.

Seth looked at Luke and Summer and raised his eyebrows, then back to where his Mom and Dad stood.

"Dad, I'm sure Ryan will be back, you know what he's like. He's probably just gone around the block to clear his head." But Seth wondered if he believed this himself. He had a feeling his Dad was right, Ryan had bailed.

"Sandy, we can't wait any longer. It's half past now, they have another service in an hour." Kirsten looked panicked.

Sandy placed his arm around Kirsten and gave her a hug.

"I'll go and look for Ryan, you all go in and phone me if he shows up O.K"

Sandy gave Kirsten a reassuring squeeze.

"I'm sure Seth's right, he'll be back. You can get a lift from Luke if I'm not back"

Luke had appeared beside them. "Sure thing Mr Cohen."

Sandy gave Kirsten a kiss on the cheek. "I'll find him, Honey"

* * *

Ryan paid the taxi driver and exited the car. He stood in front of a run down apartment building. He sighed; Dawn certainly wasn't spending the Cohens' money on accommodation. He passed a group of kids of various ages who were hanging around outside smoking. They eyed him suspiciously. 

He walked up to a skinny Latino kid who was obviously the ringleader. He looked about thirteen and had the swagger of a kid trying to be older than his years.

"I'll give you ten dollars for the rest of that packet of smokes and your lighter." Ryan's niceties went out of the window in Chino.

The kid tried to look tough. "Fifteen and they're yours."

"Ten."

The kid looked like he was going to argue, but stopped himself when he looked into Ryan's eyes and realised that this dude looked like he wanted to rip someone's head off. Hey, ten dollars was a fair price. There were only nine left in the packet anyway.

"O.K"

The kid handed over the cigarettes and the cheap disposable lighter and pocketed the money. The gang moved off as Ryan lit up and stared at the building. He sucked the acrid smoke into his lungs and let it trickle out of his nose. He finished the cigarette and flicked the butt into a bush.

He climbed three flights of stairs, and stood in front of the chipped blue front door. He pounded hard. He heard someone inside. He thumped the door again with the side of his fist. He heard the unmistakable voice of Dawn inside.

"Hold on. I'm coming." The door swung open.

Dawn looked at Ryan dumbfounded.

"Ryan? What are you doing here"

Ryan stalked past her into the apartment. The place was a shit hole. Faded wallpaper, cheap furniture and the smell of stale food hung in the air. Ryan walked over to the couch and picked up a bottle of vodka that was sitting on the coffee table.

"Is THIS what you've been spending the money the Cohens have been sending you" Ryan spat.

Dawn shut the door. " How'd you find out"

" Find out that they've been lying to me? Or find out that you've been freeloading from them? How can you take money from them? They pay for everything, my clothes, school, everything. What makes you think they owe you ANYTHING"

Ryan yelled

"I figured you had disappeared. After Casino night, I've heard nothing! Then I find out that you've been in contact with them but not once have you been to see me or rung. Why"

Dawn looked on the verge of tears.

"Ryan honey, don't be like this, we… we'd thought it was for the best if I kept away. I never asked for the money, they just sent it to me…I never asked for it"

"But you took it, you didn't send it back Mom, did you" Ryan slammed the bottle down with such force it shattered.

Dawn jumped

"Ryan you're scaring me."

"I thought you liked your men like this Mom? Ass-holes who like to throw their weight around? You still with that fucker A.J" Ryan hissed.

"Ryan, why are you being like this? This isn't you" Dawn pleaded.

"Not me? How would you know what the fuck I'm like these days? Do you even know what today was Mom? I needed you today but you chose to sit here drinking vodka instead."

Ryan sat down.

" I needed you today Mom but you let me down again, just like you've always let me down when it came to Dad." Ryan's voice was lower now, the fight had gone out of him.

"I'm sorry honey." Dawn sat down next to Ryan, Ryan shifted so that there was no body contact. "I couldn't go, you know what your dad was like."

Ryan gave a bitter laugh remembering . "Ohh yeah Mom, I know what Dad was like."

He lit another cigarette.

" I want to know why you never did anything, you could have left him when you found out what he was doing to me an' Trey, but you stayed with him. Why"

Tears were snaking down Dawn's face. "I swear I didn't know until after he was put away."

"Don't fucking lie to me, I was watching when Trey told you." Ryan took a deep drag" I must have been about five, you washed his mouth out with soap and told him not to tell lies about his father. What kid would tell lies about that"

Ryan's hand was shaking now at the memory.

"You knew what he was doing to us, the fucking house wasn't that big Mom. Did you think he spent all that time in our rooms reading us bedtime stories? You never ONCE heard us crying telling him to stop? Don't fucking lie about this, not now. We've never talked about this. I need to know, why you ignored what was going on"

Dawn got up and went over to the kitchen; she got a bottle of scotch out of the cupboard and poured herself a large glass. She swallowed down a healthy slug.

"Ryan, you don't know what it was like, I was scared of him. The whole neighbourhood was scared of him. I didn't know what to do."

Dawn downed the rest of her drink and poured herself another one.

"That's it? _YOU_ were scared of him"

Ryan was getting angry again.

"_YOU _were scared of him…. what about _US…WE WERE FUCKING KIDS_" Ryan yelled. "I know that Kirsten would do anything… anything to protect Seth, YOU did nothing"

"As if the perfect Kirsten Cohen would have had to deal with stuff like that. Living her wonderful life, in her big house wanting for nothing. What would I have done if I had left your father, where would WE go? I didn't have a trust fund to live off Ryan. So don't tell _ME_ what Kirsten fucking Cohen would have done." Dawn spat back.

Ryan balled his fists. He knew he was seriously going to lose it if he stayed. That thought scared him. He wasn't going to be like the men he had hated when he was growing up.

"You know what? I don't know why I came here…"

Ryan got up. He had to get out. This was a bad idea.

"It's all about you isn't it Mom. It always was and it always will be. Trey and me never got a look in. As long as you had your ass-hole boyfriends and your drink. Well I hope you're happy cause we're through, finished. Got that"

His voice was low and husky with emotion.

Ryan yanked open the front door and took the stairs two at a time to get out of there. He had walked a few blocks before he allowed himself to slow down.

He sat down on a wall and had another smoke. He tried to calm his breathing. He knew the Cohens were probably mad at him for leaving. He couldn't face them now. He didn't know what to do. He felt tears well in his eyes and bit his cheek hard to try and stop them. He had never felt so alone.

**Tbc**


	5. A place to stay

**Thanks to melanie39 for her sound beta-ing**

**Disclaimer -I own nothing!**

**Read and Review!**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 5**

Sandy pulled up outside the house. He'd driven around the immediate area surrounding the chapel but on a hunch decided to make for home.

He walked round to the back of the house and opened the pool house door.

"Ryan"

The first thing he noticed was the crumpled suit on the bed. He felt the tension melt away. Thank God he had come home. He walked over to the closed bathroom door and knocked.

" Hey Ryan, you in there"

He turned the handle and the door opened to reveal an empty room. The bad feeling was starting to return, Ryan hardly ever went in the house when there was no one else home.

He walked into the kitchen hoping to see Ryan sitting at the counter.

"Ryan"

He called one last time, even though the house had that empty sound that told Sandy he was the only person there.

It was a long shot, but there was one person who might know where Ryan might go when he was in this mood. He'd give Dawn a call. He opened the door of his office.

That bad feeling now grew to big proportions. He walked over to the broken frame that lay shattered on the floor. It was a group picture that they had taken at Christmas. Seth had made a big thing about the picture and it had taken three attempts to get the timing right on the camera so everyone could be in shot. The first two had been hilarious because they had only managed to get a blurred Seth as he had tried to rush back into the frame before the camera's timer had gone off.

Shit, he had thought that Ryan might have overheard them at the chapel. He had done his best to move Kirsten away from the door, but it looked like his damage limitation was too late.

He picked up the bin, which had obviously been kicked hard by the looks of the large dent it was sporting. Sandy's heart sank when he saw the brown file wedged in it.

Damn, Ryan was the most private teenager that Sandy knew. He had a pretty good idea how Ryan would be feeling now, knowing that Sandy had a file on him, added to that, the knowledge that they lied about Dawns whereabouts.

He and Kirsten had agreed that it would be best to let Ryan settle into the family without the constant upheaval of Dawn wandering in and out of his life. Dawn had acted like it was a big thing to ask of her, but Sandy had seen the look of relief cross her face when they had discussed it.

He pulled the file out and flipped to the pages in the back. He found the number he was looking for and dialled. He immediately got an out of service message. Shit Dawn had been cut off again. What the hell did she spend the money they sent her on? No scrap that… stupid question. Sandy had a good idea and it wasn't bills. He rubbed his face. Ryan had a good head start on him. He knew that rushing back to Chino to Dawns house would probably be futile.

He picked up the phone and dialled Kirsten, she was nearer.

* * *

Ryan had just wandered around Chino; it was good in some ways to be back. He felt like he blended in, here he was faceless. It gave him time to calm down. He knew that he should probably ring Sandy and let him know where he was, but he kept putting it off. He was too angry at the moment and he knew that things had a habit of spiralling out of control when he was in this mood.

Ryan stopped outside a Seven-Eleven; he had finished the few remaining smokes and needed to restock. The great thing about Chino was they hardly ever carded you so he grabbed a six-pack and asked for 40 Marlboro. He turned and walked straight into the guy behind him. He kept his head down and mumbled an apology, he couldn't face any more shit today.

He had made it to the door when a voice boomed out.

"Yo, Baby Atwood"

Ryan turned. He vaguely recognised the lanky guy with long greasy hair as someone he had seen hanging around with Trey and Arturo.

"Hey I thought it was you man, wait up."

The guy paid for his stuff and loped over to where Ryan stood. Ahh… it was all coming back to Ryan. This was 'Chemical Chris' as Trey had nicknamed him, due to the fact that this guy had tried just about every drug on the street and lived permanently in La-la land.

"Hi Chris, long time no see." Ryan indulged him with a Chino handshake.

"Shit Baby Atwood" Chris drawled" Last I heard, you were sent down. You just get out"

Ryan realised that Chris had assumed that he had just been released from juvie and probably didn't know about the Newport part of his life, and by the look of Chris's dilated pupils, he was in no condition to collate any information. So Ryan just let him assume.

"Mmm" Ryan mumbled.

"So where you staying, bro"

"Nowhere at the moment, you know how it is."

"Hey you could totally crash at my crib for a few days if you want. It's a crash pad anyway, ya know, people coming and going." Chris grinned. "Trey would kick my ass if I didn't help out his baby bro. So what ya say"

Ryan accepted the offer. This is what he needed right now a little escape from real life was in order. Chris may be a complete waster but he was O.K. He'd always been nice to Ryan, unlike some of Treys friends who had taken great delight in taking the piss out of Trey's quiet younger sibling…. but it didn't stop Ryan wanting to rip Chris's arm off and beat him with the bloody end if he called him 'baby' one more time.

* * *

Kirsten and co arrived back home deflated. By the time they'd found Dawn's place, they had apparently missed Ryan by about fifteen minutes. Kirsten had tried to talk to Dawn, tried to get some sense out of her as to what had happened and where Ryan would go, but Dawn was in full poison mode. She ranted about how they had taken her boy from her and turned him against her. Kirsten realised that Dawn's alcohol induced self pity knew no bounds and everyone was a target.

Kirsten was disgusted that not once had Dawn shown any concern about where Ryan would be.

They had all driven home in silence, all hoping that by some miracle Ryan would be at home when they got there. Kirsten kept checking her mobile was on so Sandy could ring them with the good news. The call had never come.

* * *

Shit, Chris had been right about the place being a crash pad. Bodies seemed to be draped everywhere. The place was a total heap, empty beer cans and old pizza boxes littered the surfaces. He didn't even want to look at the floor; his feet seemed to sticking to be the carpet. He dreaded to think what fluids had been spilt over the course of time here.

Several large grubby sofas were occupied. He could see some beanbags but Ryan had never been fond of those. There was something undignified about having to roll out of a seat to get up.

A stoned blond girl was watching Ryan with a grin on her face as he tried to make his choice of where to sit. She uncurled herself to make some room for the new stranger. Hmm, he was cute.

"Hey sit over here, next to me." And by way of invitation she held out a large joint to him.

Ryan looked over to the girl, his brain processing her…Hot, slutty looking, holding a joint. That was a good combination. He sat down and took the spliff.

"Hi I'm Missy."

Ryan took a healthy toke, held it, then exhaled. Handed it back.

"Ryan" he replied, smiling. This girl did NOT look like a Missy.

Missy nodded and smiled back. Ryan was relieved; dope either made you babble like a lunatic or turned you into a quiet zombie. Missy obviously fell into the second category.

Ryan settled into a routine of finishing the joint with Missy. Before the first had been stubbed out she had rolled another one. Ryan was definitely feeling buzzed. He loved the way that no one had batted an eyelid as to who he was or why he was here. The general murmur of conversation was soothing. He could feel himself relax for the first time in days as the black dogs retreated back into the recesses of his mind.

Shit, Ryan realised that he seemed to have bypassed the fuzzy floaty phase and had gone from sober to completely stoned in 0-5 seconds. God knows what grade skunk they were smoking. Shit, it had hit him hard. Missy had shifted now so that she was facing him and with her legs folded, he could see straight up her skirt. When he realised he was staring he shifted his focus upwards but that was no better. She was wearing a thin blouse, with obviously no bra underneath. Her breasts were totally on display. He seemed hypnotised by them. Ohh crap Ryan thought, he had lost all sense of time; he could have been staring for two seconds or ten minutes. All he knew was that when his eyes eventually looked into Missy's, all he saw was amusement.

He was aware that he really should pick up a cushion to cover his hard on which would be obvious for her to see with his legs stretched out in front of him like they were, but his brain could not catch up in time with his thoughts. He shut his eyes to try and clear his head. His eyes flew open when he felt a hot breath next to his face, then Missy's moist tongue thrust deep into his ear sending a thousand volts straight to his groin… Damn, who would have thought that his ear would have been an erogenous zone?

He shifted position and brought his hands up to her hair. He squashed his face to hers, their lips mashing together, his teeth nipping her bottom lip, their tongues exploring each other's mouths. He moved his hands to her waist half pulling half lifting her so she was straddling him. She began to move rhythmically causing him to groan.

He tilted his head back as she nibbled and sucked on his ear lobe. This girl had a real ear thing going, not that he was complaining. Ryan reached under her shirt and copped a feel, which caused Missy to bite down on his ear, sending another shock to his groin.

"You want to go somewhere quiet" Missy whispered in his ear.

Ryan replied with a cross between a grunt and a groan that, thank God, Missy took for the yes it was meant to be. Missy stood up and straightened her skirt, lent down and grabbed Ryan's hand and led him from the room.

Ryan heard laughter behind him and someone saying 'Be gentle with him Melissa' but he was past caring what people thought.

Missy led him to a small room with a double mattress on the floor and not much else. Missy sat down pulling Ryan with her. Ryan watched as she picked up a tray from the floor and placed it on the bed next to them. Then she reached inside the pillow cover and removed a plastic zip lock baggie. She poured a substantial amount of powder on the tray and expertly cut and lined it. She snorted two of the lines, then handed Ryan the tray.

Ryan took it. What little rational brainpower he had left told him that this was a bad idea; sensible Ryan was telling him that he'd regret it. That this was not the way to cope.

He looked at Missy who was in the process of removing her clothes. All it took was a look at her sizable bust and stoned, horny Ryan won.

He bent his head and snorted the two remaining lines. Ryan put the tray down and sat stunned as the rush took him. Any tiredness he had felt from the last few days vanished, he felt energized, powerful. He could see why Trey had used coke as his drug of choice. He felt fucking fantastic.

Ryan reached for Missy, pushing her down and covering her with his body. He thrust his tongue into her mouth whilst his hand snaked it's way between. His fingers probed and stroked, he could feel her legs tremble beneath him as he found the right spot.

Ryan was breathing heavily into her neck as he lost himself in what he was doing. Missy was racking his back with her nails; even through the material of his shirt he was sure she had drawn blood. All his senses were heightened as were hers and as she shuddered to a climax she bit down hard on his shoulder.

Ryan cried out. Shit! That had hurt and the laughing warning of one of the stoners began to make sense. Damn. This girl was a feisty one.

Missy gave an apologetic smile"Sorry, I get a bit carried away."

Ryan laughed, no shit girl!

Missy knelt in front of Ryan and removed his shirt. She ran her hands over his toned chest and firm abs. Ryan stood up and pushed his boots off, at the same time unbuckling his belt.

"Condom" he questioned, praying to God that Missy had some.

"Sure." Missy got up and padded over to a small chest of drawers and began rooting through her underwear in her search. Ryan, now naked, walked over and pressed himself firmly against her ass. He moved her curtain of hair to one side and began to kiss her neck and shoulders.

"Ryan! You're not helping in my search here ya know" Missy giggled. She triumphantly brandished a small box and was about to turn round when Ryan whispered "No, stay there." He ripped open a wrapper and sheathed himself.

Ryan smiled to himself…pure genius; he'd found a way to keep her teeth and claws away from him. He held her hips and drove into her. With each thrust the back of the cabinet hit the wall with a resounding thud. That would give the stoners something to think about in the next room.

The mix of dope and coke had made Ryan confident and he didn't give a shit about making a scene, in fact he was totally getting off on it. He thrust harder, deeper, faster. The coke had amplified the sounds in his head; all he could hear was the crashing, Missy moaning and his ragged breathing. He could feel her muscles squeezing him and the sensation was mind-blowing. Ryan exploded in the most intense orgasm of his life; he wrapped his arms around Missy and panted against her neck. He heard a round of applause from the next room, Missy giggled and Ryan smiled. He wondered if they were holding up scorecards!

They stumbled to the bed; All he could think about now was that he could hardly keep his eyes open. Missy curled around him and sighed a contented sigh.

He felt himself drifting off but at the moment before sleep took him, a nagging thought took hold and he was awake.

"Hey Missy, do you have a phone I could use"

Missy opened her eyes. " Mmm yeah, it's on the floor somewhere."

Ryan got up and pulled on his jeans then rooted around on the floor until he found the phone. He opened the door, causing Missy to ask where he was going.

"Back in a sec, just going to make a call."

Missy curled back into a ball and pulled the comforter over herself.

Ryan walked into the lounge and found his cigarettes where he had left them. Chris looked up from the video game he was playing.

"Dude you made it out alive." He snorted and handed Ryan a half smoked spliff"You look like you need that, finish it."

"Thanks." Ryan took a hit as he walked to the front door. Dutch courage.

He sat down on the front porch and tried to think of what he would say to the Cohens. He took another toke as he punched in the number. He stared at the display, pausing before he hit the connect button…. He didn't think he could handle their disappointment tonight.

He heard Sandy's voice in his head telling him that what he was doing wouldn't solve his problems. Ryan sighed and ran his hand through his hair…No it wouldn't make anything go away but it sure as hell made things easier for a time. He turned the phone off, then he lent his head back… He finished the joint and stubbed it out on the upright beam next to him.

**TBC**


	6. The call

**Thanks for the reviews people!**

**Again thanks to melanie39 for her beta-ing**

**Disclaimer - The OC...blugh...sadly not mine.**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 6**

Ryan sat on the front porch chain-smoking. He checked his watch. Eight thirty. Was it really only six and a half hours since he had left the funeral? So much had happened since then. He could feel himself come down from his post-coital and coke high. He could feel the anger building in his stomach. He was pissed at Sandy and Kirsten so much; he had trusted them and they had lied to him.

Ryan had mentioned to Seth weeks ago that he was trying to track down Dawn. Seth had got that constipated look in his face that told Ryan he wasn't happy with the prospect. He must have gone straight to Sandy and Kirsten because that night they had both ambushed him in the pool house, asking him if he was happy living with them and if he needed to talk about anything they were there for him. All the time they knew where she was and could have just told him.

Ryan wasn't stupid, he knew that they probably thought they were acting in his best interests but they didn't see that he still needed Dawn. No matter what a bitch she could be, she was still his mom. They didn't see that deep down he was still a little boy who craved his mother's love and approval. Ryan cursed his fucked up psyche. The Cohens had given him a family that he used to dream about as a kid but you couldn't just wipe out sixteen years of memories in a few months. Sometimes the Cohens stifled him, he knew they thought him insular and too reserved sometimes, but he wasn't used to being around people like them. He was trying to be different but then things threw him for a loop like the whole 'Oliver' incident and he was back to square one.

Ryan lit another cigarette. He picked up the phone again and dialled and hit connect. Time to bite the bullet.

Seth answered in record time.

"Hello…Hello, Ryan is that you?"

"Hey"

"Dude, where are you? You O.K?" Seth's question hung in the air so he repeated it. Ryan took a deep breath and answered.

"Um… I'm not O.K, far from it," Ryan's voice was low and dangerous.

" Did you know that your mom and dad have been keeping in contact with Dawn since she left?"

"What? No."

"You sure about that Seth? Cause people have been lying to me too much already,"

" No Ry, I didn't know I promise. What's this about? What's going on?"

Ryan shifted on the stair and didn't answer.

" Ryan, you still there? Look, where are you? I'll come and get you."

"I'm not coming back Seth, I can't." Ryan's voice was so quiet now.

"What do you mean you're not coming back? Shit Ryan, so mom and dad lied about Dawn, they must have had their reasons. Look, just come home and talk to them," Seth pleaded, his voice rising.

"It's not just about that Seth."

Ryan heard Sandy's voice in the background and then his voice came on the line.

"Where are you Ryan? I'm coming to get you." Sandy sounded worried.

Ryan shut his eyes and gripped the phone, he had to focus, not go off the deep end.

" Ryan?... Ryan, we have to talk about this. O.K I get that you're angry with me at the moment but just let me explain."

"You fucking lied to me Sandy, you knew I needed to see Dawn and YOU said nothing!" he spat into the phone. He needed to lash out and Sandy was an easy target.

" We… we thought that…"

" I don't care what you thought Sandy. I fucking trusted you. Why do you have a file on me huh, am I just a fucking social experiment for you, do you pass it around to your friends to gain kudos, look what a fuck up that kid we brought home is… Who else has seen the file Sandy? Kirsten? Seth? "

Ryan had got up now and was pacing like a caged animal around the front garden.

"Ryan calm down, we need to talk about this face to face, not over the phone. Tell me where you are and we'll talk about this."

"No…tell me now, who else has seen that file Sandy?"

" No one, just me Ryan. They gave it to me when we applied to be your guardians, it's just a formality in cases like yours…." Sandy had lowered his voice.

Ryan didn't let him finish.

" Cases like mine? Thanks Sandy, that makes me feel so much better. So you took me out of pity, is that it? Well you know what? I don't want your pity or your fucking charity." he said bitterly.

Ryan hit the end call button and it was all he could do not to throw the phone into the road. He did the next best thing and gave a nearby tree a swift couple of kicks.

* * *

Sandy put the phone down and turned to a worried Seth and Kirsten.

"He hung up." he said simply.

" Why won't he come home dad, what's going on?" Seth was confused.

"Not now Seth." Sandy needed to sort this out.

"Kirsten we need to talk."

Sandy led her to his office and shut the door.  
Kirsten stood, nervously twisting her wedding ring.

"Sandy, what's going on?"

Sandy sat down and opened a drawer and pulled out Ryan's file. He put it on the desk so Kirsten could see it.

Kirsten looked at Sandy then at the file. She saw the bold lettering down the side ATWOOD. R and looked back at Sandy.

"Sandy, I don't understand?'

Sandy sighed and pulled the file towards him.

"Kirsten, I've really screwed up. Ryan found this today. It was given to me when we brought Ryan home. It's got his general medical information and things we might need to know about Ryan."

"Why would he get upset about that Sandy?" Kirsten was trying to comprehend why that was so bad.

Sandy felt sick.

"It's got all his social service reports in, photographs, medical reports, police reports, the works. I haven't read it Kirsten. I saw enough of the photos to know that things were seriously bad for him growing up. I wanted to understand him as a person and not a file of things I had read."

"And Ryan found it, saw what's inside." Kirsten understood.

"Yeah, he trashed my office, he's angry, I think Ryan's privacy is the only thing he's got and I took that away from him."

Sandy had tears in his eyes. "I think there is something in this file that really has a hold over him but the question is do I read it to try and understand what's going on with him or do I risk losing him by doing that?"

Kirsten went over and hugged Sandy.

" I think we risk losing him every day Sandy and if by reading that file you can understand him better, I think you need to. Maybe if we can understand him more we can relate to him more. He's not like Seth and we need to know why to help him."

"I had hoped that Ryan would open up to us in time but apart from a few times when he's let things slip I don't think he's going to and now it might be too late." Sandy felt so useless.

"Ryan's angry at the moment Sandy, He's an intelligent kid. He won't stay mad forever. Ryan acts rashly at times but he'll come round."

Kirsten gave Sandy a kiss on the top of his head and squeezed his arm.

"I'll leave you to decide what you'll do Sandy, Don't be hard on yourself, this isn't your fault. We'll work it out."

Sandy sat at his desk after Kirsten left and looked at the broken picture that lay propped up on the floor. They had been so happy that day. After Ryan's initial reticence over Christmukkah, they had had a great day. Sandy had wondered at the time what caused a kid to hate Christmas. He looked at the file. For once in his life he didn't know what to do. Would reading the file be the right thing to do or would he be opening Pandora's box?

* * *

Ryan walked back to Missy's room and sat back on the mattress. Missy was curled up in a ball dozing. Ryan lifted the comforter and lay down, moulding himself around her back, pulling her into his chest.

"You're shivering," Missy mumbled, "Is it cold outside?"

"Yeah,"

"You make your call?"  
"Mmm" Ryan replied.

"You don't talk much do you? That's cool. Just tell me…you planning on sticking around?"

" For a while, that O.K?" Ryan tensed.

She snuggled into him more.

"Yeah, that would be cool. I could kind of get used to having you around."

Missy turned round and looked at Ryan.

"That's if you want to?" she questioned.

Ryan relaxed; at least he had a place to stay for a while. He had burnt his bridges with Dawn, not that he could ever face living with A.J again and living with the Cohens had always been a pipe dream. Good things didn't happen to an Atwood. He'd been surprised that it had lasted as long as it did.

He lent in and kissed her, then gave her a sad smile.

"Yeah I want to."

**TBC**


	7. The club

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing, she'sa doll!**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

**Thanks for the reviews everyone!**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 7

Sandy was going up the wall. Ryan had been missing now for four days. He had a few contacts in the police department who were making discreet enquiries for him, but so far all roads had led to nowhere. Ryan had a probation meeting he needed to attend in five days, if he didn't show up for that then he would be officially on the police wanted list. Sandy had kept that piece of information to himself. Kirsten was teary all the time as it was and Seth was barely speaking to them, blaming them for Ryan's disappearance, which had added to Sandy's burden of guilt.

Sandy had taken to driving round Chino's streets in the hope of seeing Ryan but deep down he knew this was futile. Chino was not a small place but it gave him something to focus on. He had approached some of the street kids with a photograph but if they had seen him or knew who he was they weren't telling. Sandy suspected that they thought he was a cop, and it was not a good thing to be seen talking to one in Chino obviously, judging by the comments he'd got.

Sandy felt so helpless, he knew when he brought Ryan home that things wouldn't be easy but it had been one thing after another. He felt at a loss how to handle Ryan sometimes. If he had been a standard punk it might be easier to mould and discipline him but Ryan was so sensitive, analysing every word to find hidden meaning, trying to pre-empt any rejection even when it wasn't there. Sandy knew that this was at the core of Ryan's behaviour at the moment. He had to make it right. So if it meant driving around aimlessly then that's what he would do.

* * *

On the second day of staying with Chris and Missy, Ryan realised that he needed to earn some money. His stash was not going to last long in this house. The amount of drugs and junk food consumed was vast. Ryan being Ryan, he felt that he needed to contribute but was probably over compensating in relief at having a place to stay.

That night they had all gone out to a local club. It was rough and ready but they served you, no questions asked, as long as you didn't look like a total kid. Missy and he had been indulging in a little light groping in a quiet corner when a couple of ass holes had started kicking off. One pushed the other into Missy. Ryan was pissed off enough to deck the mouthy one and was just in the process of pushing the other into the wall in an arm lock when the bouncer sprung into action.

The off shot from this was that Ryan had impressed someone with his quick dealing of the situation and secured himself some 'under the table' work as a bouncer.

Ryan felt better now that he had some money coming in and hell; there were worst jobs than throwing drunks out on the street. There were a few who looked at Ryan's compact size and thought they could have a go. They usually regretted it. Ryan had a natural aptitude for punching people and it suited his mood at the moment, it was an added bonus to get paid for it.

It was his second night working at the club. Missy was not making his job easy. She had been teasing him all evening. Ryan was stood talking to the second bouncer. He was having trouble focusing on what he was saying as his eyes kept being drawn to Missy who was stood with Chris and an assorted group behind George at the back of the club. Ryan was feigning interest in George's tale of how the weights in the gym he went to were substandard, but his eyes were drawn over George's shoulder to what Missy was doing to the bottle of Bud she had in her hand. Shit, he seriously wanted to be that bottle as he watched her slowly run her tongue around the rim. She kept eye contact with Ryan and he swore he saw her eyes gleam even from this distance he crumbled.

Ryan blurted out halfway through a monologue on the virtues of a steam bath after lifting weights.

" Can I take my break now?"

Ryan had to get away before George looked down and saw the hard on Ryan was sporting and God forbid, thought it was his tales of sweaty gym shenanigans that was turning Ryan on. Ryan had the distinct impression that George batted for the other team and he was trying to come onto him in a round about way. He'd let the guy down gently another time, now he needed those lips around him.

He strode over to Missy and grabbed her hand, eliciting a 'caveman' comment from her, and pulled her to the back of the club to the fire exit door. On the way he bumped into a dark haired girl but not stopping he muttered an apology and pushed open the door.

Once outside he spun her around and pushed her against the wall, holding her chin. He kissed her, probing his tongue in her hot mouth, rubbing his denim clad hard on against her thigh. Ryan had reverted back to his Chino ways. After his Newport drought as he called it, it was good to be with a girl who knew what she wanted. There was no pussy footing around with Missy and after months of being a gentleman with Marissa he was making up for lost time.

"I'm going to ban you from coming here when I'm working, you are too much of a distraction Melissa." Ryan looked at her under hooded eyes.

"You love it and you know it Ryan, and can you think of a better way to spend your breaks?" She gave a dirty laugh and continued kissing him.

Missy's hand was working the buttons on Ryan's jeans causing all brain function to move southwards. As Ryan lent back against the wall his stomach did a flip-flop. It never failed to astound him that a simple movement of a girl kneeling down in front of him could elicit such a response in the internal workings of his body. His heart raced, his breathing deepened, his throat tightened. He had to brace his legs to support himself; all due to a girl kneeling down…She hadn't even touched him yet. Ryan smiled to himself, he hoped those feelings would never go away. He remembered when Trey had taken him to see a re-run of Star Wars when he was nine and he had pretty much the same feelings. He had enjoyed the film so much and begged Trey to take him again to see it the next day. He remembered vividly the disappointment of not capturing the same level of excitement again. Ryan mentally shook his head. Shit he really should start laying off the coke if it made him start thinking of Trey and Star Wars instead of what was going to happen.

Missy had begun to do a good impression of what she had been doing to that bottle, she had serious talent. Linda Lovelace had nothing on this girl. Ryan wove his fingers in her hair and tried not to thrust his hips, letting her take the lead. The street sounds from the nearby road added to his sense of urgency and before he knew what was happening he exploded in a profound orgasm that took him by surprise. He felt embarrassed, he usually at least liked to give some warning. Ryan cleared his throat and looked apologetically at Missy.

"Sorry about that." He was sure he was blushing.

"I suppose I should be flattered…" She smiled ruefully "I'm just going to get a drink." At least she was smiling.

She gave him a kiss and disappeared through the fire door, leaving him fumbling with his buttons in the dim light, cursing the fact that he didn't just have a zip.

The door opened almost immediately and Ryan looked up expecting to see Melissa. His jaw dropped when he saw Theresa stood with a face like thunder.

"So THIS is what you left Newport for? To spend your time screwing some slut in an ally. Jesus Ryan, what the hell are you doing?" Theresa's voice was shrill.

Ryan triumphantly managed to do the final button up on his pants.

"What has this got to do with you Theresa?"

"It has EVERYTHING to do with me when Mr Cohen comes to my house saying that you'd disappeared, quizzing me. That man is having a nervous breakdown trying to find you."

"Sandy came to your house?" Ryan was confused. Shit, he didn't think they even knew about Theresa.

"Marissa told him about Thanksgiving, She thought you might have come to see me. I wonder where they got that idea from."

"Don't get pissy with me Theresa, I've only been back a few days. I was going to come and see you. I just haven't got round to it yet." Ryan didn't want a confrontation with Theresa and her fiery temper.

"What do you mean back?" Theresa was indeed pissed with Ryan. "You make that sound like you're back for good."

" I am. I work here…and I really need to get back to work now Theresa."

"What the hell do you mean you're back?" Theresa was incredulous. "You live in Newport now, what the hell happened?"

" I really don't want to talk about this now, I've got to get back to work Theresa, before they fire my ass."

Ryan pushed open the door and entered the club, Theresa hot on his heels. George gave him a nod. Well at least that was one problem solved. Being seen with two consecutive girls out back had probably sent the right signals as to where Ryan's preferences lay.

The other problem was still bird-dogging him.

"So you back with your mom?" Theresa asked.

"No, I'm staying at Chris Slezack's place for now." Ryan was starting to get annoyed, Theresa was a good friend but she didn't know when to butt out.

"With Chris, are you mad? Even Arturo wouldn't stay there. Is that why you're so antsy, are you doing drugs?" she bellowed over the thumping bass line.

"Jesus Theresa! Keep your fucking voice down." Ryan looked around to see who was in earshot. Chris's place was that much of a legend obviously.

"So I take it that's a "yes"! What the hell is going on with you?" Theresa looked more worried now.

"I said NOT now." He realised that it came out a bit too sharp and tried for a different approach. "Look I'll ring you later O.K."

Ryan tried to give her a breezy smile, but he knew she wasn't buying it. So he just walked away.  
-

The rest of the night passed quietly. No drunks to eject, no fights to break up. He was glad that Theresa had got the hint and had left. The club closed at 2am, the others had all left earlier. Ryan was looking forward to a quiet walk home. He collected his pay from the bar staff and walked out into the fresh air and kind of spoilt the effect by lighting up immediately.

He set off at a pace and didn't notice the car pull up next to him.

**Tbc**


	8. Falling

**Thanks to Melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer : I own nothing!**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 8**

Ryan walked with his head down; he was tired and all he wanted was a hot shower and a warm body. He hoped that Missy was still awake. Sex was the only way he could unwind these last few days. He'd tire himself out so that the thoughts and images crowding his head were pushed back into the compartment that he had stored them in, but usually a few hours later the lid would fly off like a jack-in-the-box and no matter how hard he tried, the lid would not close and sleep alluded him for the rest of the night.

He became aware of the car behind him and quickened his pace; Chino wasn't the war zone that people in Newport made out. But it also wasn't a place where you felt entirely comfortable walking around on your own at 2am in a badly lit area. Ryan turned round. All he could see was a silhouette of a car as the headlights blinded him. The car pulled parallel to him and he could hear the buzz of an electric window being opened.

"Ryan?"

Ryan stopped in his tracks. The car stopped.

"Seth?"

Ryan walked over to the window and peered in. Seth sat nervously grinning and started going on about mountains and Mohammed. Seth stopped his babble when he realised that Ryan was just stood still with a confused look on his face.

"Get in, I'll give you a lift."

Ryan opened the door and climbed in. He still had the joint in his hand; he flicked it away before he shut the door. He hoped that Seth would think that it was a normal smoke.

"What the hell are you doing here at this time of the night?"

Seth shut off the engine and fidgeted.

" I made Theresa promise to ring me if she saw you, I sneaked out. Mom and Dad don't know I'm here."

Ryan tried not to look pissed off at the revelation that Theresa had ratted him out but he guessed he had failed because Seth rambled on.

"Look, don't get mad with her or me. We thought you were dead or living on the street. We didn't know where you were Ryan. Do you know how that's been for us, you just leaving like that? You didn't even call ME. I though we were friends Ryan. What the hell happened?"

"Don't be so melodramatic Seth. It's only been a few days."

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair and wondered if it would appear too desperate to go and see if the joint was in anyway still smokable.

"It is good to see you man and I'm sorry about not calling, things have been a little off centre the last few days."

Seth started up the engine.

"Well buddy, you can tell me all about it when we get to the place you are staying."

Shit, he didn't want Seth anywhere near Chris's place, too incriminating.

"Look Seth, that's not a good idea. It's late, I don't want to disturb the people I'm staying with you know."

"So I'll drop you outside then!"

Seth wasn't going to give up lightly. He wanted to know where Ryan was staying. If only to make sure he wasn't living rough. The only information Theresa would give him was the address of where he worked.

Ryan knew he was beaten; Seth was tenacious when he wanted to be.

Ryan gave him directions and they were soon outside Chris's place. Damn, all the lights were still on.

"So are you going to tell me why you won't come home, cause I'm not buying that it's just because the folks lied about your Mom." Seth shut off the engine again.

Ryan didn't know what to say, he wasn't even sure what this was about anymore himself. He'd spent hours laying in bed trying to work things out in his head. He had so much anger inside and it scared him, he also knew that it made him act like an asshole. Disassociating himself from the Cohens had seemed like the logical thing to do, the hurt he had felt towards Sandy had merged with the anger that had been dredged up when he was forced to face the sins of his father.

Finding the file had shaken his grasp on where he belonged. It made him feel like he was a case subject to be catalogued and studied, and coupled with the knowledge that his mother had rejected him for the third time, it had made him feel worthless. If he felt worthless then it was only a matter of time before the Cohens realised it. The decision to leave had been easy at the time. Push everyone away, ergo no more rejection.

Seeing Seth had blurred the lines.

"Seth, I'm really tired…." Ryan stared to speak before being cut off by Seth.

"You're not going to shut me off this time, let's go inside, have a coffee and talk. I mean it Ryan. We need to talk. You _can_ talk to me"

"Seth its 2.30 in the morning, go home."

Ryan was getting desperate. The cocoon he had placed around himself was beginning to crack. If he started talking he didn't think he would be able to stop and there were things that he _never_ wanted Seth to know about.

"Please, you have kind of blind sighted me…I…look can you meet me tomorrow, we'll talk then. I promise I'm not going anywhere, this is where I live, I've got a job now. I'm just so dog-tired I can't think straight at the moment…. Please?"

Ryan could hear the plea in his own voice.

Seth appeared to be weighing his options, he knew that to push Ryan would be unwise but he didn't just want to leave. He looked directly into Ryan's face.

"You promise that if I come back at ten in the morning you'll be here?"

"Yeah Seth, it's been good seeing you man." Ryan smiled reassuringly. "I'll be here, we'll go for breakfast or something?"

Ryan got out of the car.

"I'll be here at 10 sharp…O.K Ryan!" Seth looked at him… that had been too easy.

Just as Ryan shut the car door he heard Seth say, "We miss you Ryan."

* * *

Ryan nodded and walked up to the front door and put his key in the lock, turning his head as he watched Seth pull away from the house.

He walked straight to the room he shared with Melissa not bothering to stop and say hi to anyone. He sat down on the mattress and looked around the room; he grabbed his cheap backpack stuffing his few meagre possessions in it. Not much to show for 16 years on this earth, a few pairs of jeans and a dozen cheap tee-shirts from the local Wal-Mart. He got up and entered the shabby bathroom, picked up his toothbrush, deodorant, shampoo and added them to the pack.

So he'd lied to Seth and he felt bad about that, but it was easier this way. Ryan sat back down and tried to think of where he'd go. If he moved out of state the chances of the police being interested in him decreased considerably. It had always been risky coming back to Chino, as he had no intention of keeping up his probation meetings. Sandy would have probably informed them that he had absconded from Newport anyway.

He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, pull the covers over his head and make everything go away but he needed to stay awake. He went to the pillow and pulled out the stash. A quick hit would keep him awake for a while. He knew the coke wasn't doing him any favours. Each time he indulged the effects were less than before, even in the short time he'd been using. This would be the last time; just enough to get him to the bus station and onto a bus to God knows where. Then he could sleep.

He lined up a couple of fat ones and with a rolled up dollar bill he snorted one line then the other. That did it, the rush took him. He reached his arm up to pinch his nose and remove any residue of powder when the first pain hit him. Pins and needles were shooting up his arm. Ryan looked down at it…and clenched his fist confused. His throat started to feel tight. His whole body felt like it was pulsing in beat with his heart.What the fuck was happening? He doubled over and tried to slow his breathing…he flexed his fist to try and stop the cramping. Panic started to set in. With each gulped breath his heart beat faster, he felt heavy and light, at the same time the room was closing in on him. Ryan fell on his side.

He didn't know how long he had been lying there trying to catch his breath. When he was suddenly aware of noise around him voices talking at once. He tried to make sense of what they were saying.

"What's the matter with him?"

…. Was that Seth? But he left.

"Shit, He's OD-ing…Ryan can you hear me….Ryan?"

…. Missy?

"Ryan, you've got to calm down…Can you hear me?"

The disembodied voices were fainter, he felt so hot and his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest.

" We need to get him under the shower."

He felt arms lifting him, carrying him somewhere. Ryan slumped down in a heap he then felt someone gently cradling him from behind holding his head; he gasped as the cold water beat down. The voices were still there arguing now, he wondered who they were talking about.

"What the hell has he taken, shouldn't we call an ambulance…"

"Look, I don't know who you are but if we call an ambulance the police will get involved if they know he's been doing coke. He's just got out of juvie. Do you want to send him back there?"

"What! Juvie…He told you that?… We need to get him to hospital."

"We've got it under control. He just needs to calm down, and the water is cooling him down…he'll be O.K."

A soft hand was smoothing the hair off his forehead; he heard a voice in his ear…Missy's voice…

'Come on Baby…that's it, you'll be alright."

He felt like a kid again, his mom used to rock him like this when he was sick. But he'd never felt as sick as he did now, bile rose in his throat and his head pounded. Dots danced around in front of his eyelids, but thank god the burning sensation was receding.

The water stopped and he felt himself being lifted again and placed somewhere soft.

"Ryan, can you hear me, open your eyes."

"I'm calling an ambulance NOW."

"NO, Put the phone away…."

"Jesus…Look at him…"

Ryan tried to open his eyes but he couldn't. He wanted them to stop shouting.

The voices faded completely.

**TBC**


	9. Landing

**Once again a big thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Thanks for the greatreviews folks.**

**R+R!**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 9**

Seth was pacing. A blond girl was leaning over the prone form of Ryan on the mattress trying to get him to wake up. Gently shaking him, and repeating 'come on Ryan, open your eyes, come on baby, wake up' The greasy haired man had rushed in with bags of frozen vegetables and ice and pulled up Ryan's wet shirt and placing them on his stomach.

"Why you doing that? He's going to be O.K right, cause I still think that we need to get him to the hospital, I mean what if he dies and we just nothing but deep freeze him…. why are his eyes doing that?" He was rambling he knew that but he didn't know what else to do. He'd never felt so useless in his life.

The sight of Ryan's rapidly flickering eyelids was severely freaking him out.

The man rounded on Seth.

"Will you just shut up….. Who the fuck are you anyway?"

Melissa gave Chris a warning glare.

"He's worried for Christ's sake, leave him alone Chris!"

Missy continued to stroke Ryan's bangs away from his eyes. She looked over at Seth.

" We need to get his body temperature down that's what's causing the seizure. Don't worry we know what we're doing, this has happened before."

Seth's eyes bugged.

"Ryan's done this before."

Missy gave a sympathetic smile.

"No, not Ryan, Someone else. I guess the new stuff was cut with some shit or something…. And Ryan's been hitting it hard the last few days. He's just had a bad reaction."

"What…" Seth was confused. Ryan didn't do drugs. He realised that he didn't know Ryan as well as he thought.

Chris gave a nasty laugh.

"Why? Did you think Atwood is in this state from taking a few Tylenol? He's been snorting coke like it's been going out of fashion."

Missy gave Chris another warning glare and turned her attention back to Ryan. The next ten minutes were spent shifting the ice around Ryan's body

His eyes were still now. She felt his forehead.

"He's cooling down. The seizure's stopped"

Seth walked over to where Ryan lay. He still looked like shit. All pale, clammy and still breathing shallow breaths.

Missy shook Ryan again; this time it elicited a response. Ryan moved his head and groaned.

It was the best sound that Seth had heard in his life; at least it meant that Ryan was alive.

"Look…. err who are you?" Missy glanced at the tall panicked boy.

"Seth, Seth Cohen." Seth couldn't take his eyes of Ryan.

"O.K Seth, I'm Melissa… we need to get him on his feet, can you help me with that?"

She figured that if he kept him busy that might help, the kid looked like he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Seth nodded dumbly.

"Chris can you get some water for Ryan?"

"I'm on it."

Chris left the room; Seth was relieved to see him go. Ryan seemed to be in safer hands with Melissa. He trusted her more. She kind of reminded him of an older version of Summer. He watched her gently shake Ryan again.

"Ryan, We are going to get you up now. Do you understand?"

Ryan's eyelids half lifted and he gave a protracted 'Mmmmm'.

Seth reached under Ryan's arm with Missy the other side they heaved him upright. They half carried, half dragged him around the room in circles.

Slowly the pressure on Seth's shoulders began to ease as Ryan came too gradually. When he seemed to be walking fairly independently they sat him back down on the bed. Seth was relieved to see that he was able to sit upright on his own, O.K it was a slightly slumped upright but that was a distinct improvement. Chris walked over from the door where he'd been standing and handed Missy the bottle of water. She opened it and placed it in Ryan's hand. Seth watched Ryan drink and thought that this had possibly been the longest hour of his life.

Ryan put the water down and ran his fingers through his hair. He turned to Seth.

"Hey." His voice barely registered.

"That's quite a scare you gave us Buddy. Do you want to tell me what the hell that was all about?" Seth was still trying to make sense of what he'd just seen.

Ryan responded by looking back down at the floor. Missy looked from Ryan to Seth. In the short time she had known Ryan, she knew that this was not the time for a confessional.

"Hey Baby, I think you'll feel a lot better after a shower and a nap."

Ryan looked at her gratefully, and got up too quickly causing the contents of his stomach to awake like a leviathan, Missy saw him turn a shade of green and swallow a few times as a warning of what was to come and grabbed him pulling him into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Seth sat on the bed listening to the sound of violent vomiting within making him vow never to do drugs, EVER. Not after what he'd seen tonight. He gazed around the room. His brain not comprehending why Ryan would want to leave the luxury of his spacious pool house for this shitty room with its peeling paint and ripped stained rugs. His eyes rested on the tray by the side of the bed, the bag of white powder, the razor blade and the dollar bill. Still lying there from when Ryan had used them.

Seth got up and kicked the tray across the room. What the hell was wrong with living with them that made Ryan do this? Choose this?

He thought that Ryan had settled in, O.K things had gone a little complicated with Marissa and the whole Oliver thing. His dad dying couldn't have been easy but why was Ryan so fucking eager to help everyone else but be hell bent on self-destruction when things got bad for him.

Missy opened the door and went over to the pack that was lying on its side by the door. She removed the toothbrush and paste from within and returned to the bathroom. Seth grabbed the pack and turned the contence out on the bed, jeans, tee-shirts and the ubiquitous Ryan beaters. So he'd been right to turn around and head back here after 5 minutes on the road. Ryan had been ready to leave. So much for the promise of meeting in the morning, Ryan would have been long gone.

* * *

Ryan had emerged from the shower and immediately fallen asleep. Seth had spent the time trying to figure out what he was going to do. He fell into a fitful sleep a while later. 

He awoke to find an exhausted looking Missy stood over him with two cups of coffee in hand.

"I thought you could use this."

Seth took the cup and nodded to the hall.

"Ryan O.K.?"

"Yeah, he's still sleeping." Missy took a sip of the scalding liquid.

"So do you want to tell me why you're here?" Missy looked inquiringly at Seth. This kid did not belong on Chino that much was obvious.

That opened up the floodgates for Seth. He told her all about how Ryan had come to live with them. Everything came out. All the things leading up to Ryan's disappearance at his father's funeral. The four-day search. How Sandy was going insane looking for him and how Kirsten spent most of the time walking around with red-rimmed eyes. Finally finishing on how he felt that he'd let Ryan down, that Ryan wouldn't open up to him …them. That he knew less about Ryan now than he'd know when he'd first moved in.

Missy had sat quietly throughout. She wondered how much to tell this boy. He seemed so earnest…hell he really seemed to care.

When Seth had finished she went and made the each a fresh coffee and sat down. She bit the bullet.

"I knew Trey, we were together for a few months a while back. You know Trey?"

Seth shook his head.

"Ryan's Brother. I've never met him. So you were his girlfriend?"

"Yeah, I guess I'm working my way through the family right…"

She gave Seth a smile causing him to blush.

" Well, the thing is Trey liked to think he was the big 'I am'…. but deep down I don't think he really liked himself. The tough guy image was a bluff... I see that in Ryan, But Ryan is a lot more sensitive than Trey ever was. You see, that family really fucked up its kids. Dawn was a real bitch. I mean Ryan probably doesn't remember me but one day Trey took me home and we found Ryan being punched by one of her ass boyfriends. He must have been about 13 at the time; Trey went off on one at his mother…. She defended her boyfriend by saying Ryan had been answering back. I mean what thirteen-year-old kid doesn't answer back… but Seth, this man was punching him, not slapping… Punching. A grown man against a skinny little kid."

Missy lit a cigarette and sighed before continuing.

" Trey used to drink a lot and sometimes it made him talk about stuff…a couple of times he'd speak about his father…He…err…he said that his father used to…. do things to him…"

Missy looked over at Seth to see if he understood, hoping that she wouldn't have to repeat the things that Trey had drunkenly told her.

Seth gulped and shut his eyes. Comprehension dawned in his brain. Ohh Shit.

" So I guess you know why Ryan is so fucked up, why he runs out on people…I guess he's trying to run from himself…Just promise me Seth you wont tell him we've talked about this O.K.?"

Seth felt sick.

He knew that Ryan's childhood hadn't been a bed of roses. In Seth's mind that had equated to not having cable or the top of the range sneakers. He knew that Dawn drunk too much and probably shouldn't have been allowed to keep a puppy let alone two kids. He knew that his father was in prison but apart from that he'd known nothing about Ryan growing up. He just hadn't really given it much of a thought. He'd been so pleased to have Ryan living with them. Nothing growing up in the Cohen bubble had prepared him for facing this.

Missy gave his arm a squeeze and got up saying that she was going to check on Ryan.

Seth realised that he was out of his depth. He flipped open his phone and dialled.

It was 5.30 am when Sandy reached for the phone. Kirsten sat upright next to him wiping sleep from her eyes. Worry etched on her face. Calls this early were never good news.

He picked up the handset. Looking at his wife with deep concern thinking the same as her.

"Sandy Cohen."

"Dad, You need to come out here right now."

**TBC**


	10. The outsider once again

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Thanks for the reviews everyone.**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing to do with the OC**

**R+R**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 10**

As soon as Seth finished the call he regretted it. Ryan was probably going to kill him or at least never trust him again.

Missy and Chris had both given him 'looks', Chris's 'look' had been more malevolent than Missy's and he'd added a few choice words. Both were now in the frantic process of removing any incriminating evidence from the house, both obviously shit scared that his dad was going to call the police. The cover story was that Ryan had had his little mishap in the car on the way home from the club, the name of which was NOT going to be mentioned.

Seth could really kick himself but when he was worried or nervous his mouth overtook his brain. Why the fuck had he mentioned the overdose? He hadn't intended to but panic ensued at having to deal with something this big. He didn't know what to say to his dad about the abuse, so he hadn't said anything over the phone. He'd just mentioned the overdose, although he knew that he'd have tell Sandy when he got here for Ryan's sake.

He just wanted Sandy to come out here and take control so he didn't have to deal with it. He didn't want to have to face Ryan with what he now knew about him and that made him feel like a real bastard.

Ryan was still the same but somehow something had shifted. Ryan had always been the strong one, the one who fought everyone's battles, and the one that jumped in feet first to help anyone but now in Seth's mind Ryan had become a victim. His brain was now crowded with images that he couldn't remove.

He knew that it would show on his face if he saw Ryan and if Ryan saw the pity in Seth's eyes he knew that their friendship would be over. Seth knew that much about Ryan. Seth just hoped that his dad would know what to do. He had to know…. because Seth had a horrible feeling that they were definitely on the verge of losing Ryan forever.

* * *

Seth was waiting on the sidewalk when the BMW pulled up. Sandy and Kirsten both got out and rushed over to where Seth was stood.

The questions started.

'Where is he?"

"Is he O.K?"

"Why isn't he in hospital, why didn't you take him to the hospital?"

Seth stood dumbly; for once in his life the words weren't there. Thank God Missy chose this moment to come outside and take charge. Seth noted that she had changed from the boob-hugging top she had on earlier and looked quite respectable in a sweater and jeans combo. She introduced herself and tried to reassure his parents.

'He's sleeping at the moment and he's fine." She looked at Kirsten and told her she would take her to him.

Sandy started to follow, but Missy gave a pointed look to Seth.

Seth reached for Sandy's sleeve stopping him.

"Dad, we need to talk."

Sandy looked at Seth realising that his son was uncharacteristically quiet; he furrowed his brow, and told Kirsten he'd be right in.

Seth swallowed, wondering how he would approach this.

"Firstly dad this wasn't Chris and Missy's fault, Ryan had taken something at the club, he started going weird in the car. If it wasn't for them Ryan might be in a worse state than he is right now. So don't go all Lawyer on them O.K. It wasn't their fault…. This was just the one time for Ryan."

Seth tried for the damage limitation first.

Sandy's face was like thunder.

" Seth, do you think I'm completely stupid? ... Don't lie to me. How long has he been doing drugs, since he's been living with us?"

"No Dad…Ryan never…. I mean… No…I don't think."

And there was the thing Seth really didn't know. Ryan could have been snorting coke every night in the pool house for all he knew. That might explain the mood swings, the erratic behaviour during the Oliver episode. But Ryan hadn't shown any interest before. At the parties they had attended just about everything had been on offer but Seth had only ever seen Ryan drink beer. Seth weighed up the evidence in his mind.

"Dad…. I don't think he's been thinking clearly the last few days and I don't think he's making the right choices at the moment…that's why I phoned you. Theresa called and told me he was here…so I snuck out, I wanted to talk to him myself as he seemed to be pissed at you. So I followed him here. He said he was pleased to see me and promised to meet me the next day…but something was off…. I've never seen him quite like that before."

Sandy's expression had changed from one of anger to one of concern, it was not often his son was serious…and it was scaring him.

"So ten minutes down the road I turned around and came back here, the others didn't even know he had come in and when we got to his room he was… he was lying there twitching…God it was horrible…."

Seth was getting choked up; Sandy pulled him in for a hug.

"It's OK son."

Seth continued.

" They didn't want to call an ambulance or take him to hospital cause Ryan had told them he'd just come out of Juvie…. It's like we had never existed Dad…But the worst thing is that his bag was packed…. he was going to leave…he wasn't going to meet me, he was going to run out on us again."

Seth sat down on the sidewalk, his left foot tapping frantically, intently staring at the asphalt. Sandy joined him.

"Dad…Missy knows Trey and she told me…"

Seth paused if he could only get the words out.

"She told me that Trey would talk about his Dad then he was drunk…Ryan's dad abused him as a kid…sexually."

The last word was a whisper.

" If it happened to Trey, then it probably happened to Ryan, right?"

Seth looked into Sandy's eyes as if willing him to say that this was all some kind of sick joke. Sandy's face told him it wasn't.

Seth sounded so much like a kid right now; there was no trademark Seth sarcasm, no wit or banter. He seemed so lost.

Sandy shut his eyes and grabbed hold of Seth. Hugging him as if his life depended on it.

Seth had just confimed his worst fears. Kirsten had been right, he was the adult and he had to take charge. No matter how much it might upset Ryan. So he had read the file. It was standard stuff, things that Sandy had seen many times at the PD's office, police reports relating to disturbances at the Atwood residence, charges always being dropped. Ryan and Trey seemed to be very accident-prone. Lots of 'incidents' involving doors and bikes…. but on one page the words 'possible sexual abuse' had leapt out at Sandy. That one line had caused Sandy to crash down to earth. Nothing else was mentioned again in any reports but that one line had remained static on the page and in Sandy's mind.

Sandy released Seth.

"It's going to be O.K Seth, we'll get him through this. I think though it'll be for the best if you didn't mention to Ryan you know about this. I don't think that it's something that Ryan would be comfortable with. If he wants to talk to you then fine…but leave this up to your mom and me, deal?"

" But I'm not sure I can hide it from him dad…. I don't know what to say, how to act around him."

Sandy grew stern.

"Don't make this about you Seth. Ryan is still the same. NOTHING has changed and it's up to you to show him, he deserves that from you. He's going to need you to be yourself and not act weird around him. If you can't do that then we might as well let him leave cause this is his family and we need to be here for him...you got that?'

Seth miserably stared at the ground and nodded. Sandy gave him one last hug then got up and made his way into the house.

He found Kirsten sitting on the bed next to Ryan. Her eyes were red again; she'd been doing a lot of crying these last few days. Sandy pondered on how this kid had made his way into his wife's heart, when just a few short months ago she'd been adamant that she didn't want him anywhere near the family. Now it was like he'd always been there. Sandy felt guilty that it was Kirsten who had stood by Ryan when he'd questioned if it had been the right thing to bring him into their lives during the Oliver suspension episode. One thing was for sure he wasn't about to let him down now.

Kirsten looked at Ryan and stroked his forehead gently.

"I didn't want to wake him, he looks so pale."

Sandy sat down next to her. He looked over to Ryan. Nietzsche said 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger' That was a crock, this kid had been through so much in his sixteen years and that thin veneer of strength had begun to crack, he looked vulnerable and so young when he was asleep.

The phone rang in the next room causing Ryan to stir. He opened his eyes expecting to see Missy by the side of him. He sat up when he saw Kirsten.

"Whoa there sweetie…. It's O.K."

Kirsten tried to give him a smile but the tears had started again.

Ryan looked from Kirsten to Sandy with a look of panic and confusion on his face.

" Hey kid, Seth called us. He was worried about you. We were worried about you."

Sandy tried to sound calm.

"I'm O.K."

"Ryan, You are NOT O.K, You took an overdose last night…You've been using cocaine, you are far from O.K. We're going to take you to a doctor to get checked out, then you are coming home…No arguments."

Ryan nodded. He felt like he had had all the stuffing knocked out of him, he had no fight left and he couldn't bear to see Kirsten upset.

Sandy had stayed in the room with him whilst he had gotten his things back together. He knew that Sandy thought that if he left him alone he might make a break for it out the window and he probably would have done if he hadn't felt like shit. He didn't think he had the energy to open the window let alone climb out of it.

There was an awkward silence in the room. Ryan seemed to have lost any connection he'd had with Sandy and that depressed him more. Sandy had been the one person who had believed in him and that had kept him grounded. Now when he looked in Sandy's eyes all he saw was disappointment. Newport was going to be fun now, what he'd done had gone so way beyond grounding…The Cohens weren't going to let him out of their sight.

They walked out to the car to find Missy talking with Seth and Kirsten. Ryan walked over and gave her a sad smile.

Missy leaned in for a hug. She whispered in his ear.

"Give them a chance. They need you as much as you need them baby. Don't forget me." Ryan stifled a weak laugh as she gave him a wink and an ass-graze.

He got into the car with Sandy and Kirsten and pulled away, heading towards Newport. Seth followed on in his car. He looked back at Missy waving.

He was going to miss her. He shut his eyes. Maybe if he could sleep he could avoid the silence in the car. He felt like a stranger again.

**TBC**


	11. Conflict

**Thanks to Melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer - I own nothing.**

**Read and Review people!**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 11

Ryan lay on the bed in the pool house. He had been back for two hours and it already felt like an eternity. He kept wondering who would be first in to 'talk.' He could only imagine the conversation that was going on inside the house at the moment.

The trip to the medical centre had been humiliating. The doctor had treated him like he was some kind of crack addict and suggested several different drug rehabilitation programs to Sandy and Kirsten. They all talked about him like he wasn't there. Kirsten kept harping on about the mild seizure he'd had like she was willing brain damage on him and all the time Sandy kept turning around and looking at him like he was a moronic child who couldn't understand what the adults were talking about.

There had been one moment when he had lost it. The doctor had recommended a home drug testing kit. All the Cohens needed was a urine sample every day to confirm that he wasn't still using. Ryan wasn't going to piss in a pot for anyone and told them in no uncertain terms what they could do with their fucking test. He was feeling tired and irritable, he didn't even know what he was doing here. He'd only been using for four days, well, not counting the few times he'd indulged in the past. Kirsten had started to get weepy again at his outburst and Sandy had looked at him like he was a puppy that had just peed on the carpet. He hated how he was making everyone feel.

They had come to a compromise with a test that only required a mouth swab. It wasn't as effective as the urine sample the doctor explained, simpering to the Cohens, but it would be a good indicator. Ryan had an urge to smack the smug prick in the face but settled on sitting on his hands and chewing the inside of his cheek instead.

Ryan got pissy again when they got home. He hadn't intended too but Sandy had said that he wanted him to move inside for a while. Ryan loved the solitude of the pool house and he wasn't about to relinquish it without a fight. He had responded sharply with the fact that they already had the test, what more did they want? Were they planning on locking him in the house now? This had caused Kirsten to silently cry again. Shit, he was really on a roll.

He had stalked out to the pool house and flopped down on the bed. Here he was two hours later. Waiting.

He got up and rifled in the back of the wardrobe and found an old pack of smokes. He took them into the bathroom and shut the door. Now was not the time to be caught outside smoking. The extractor fan would have to try its best to remove the smoke. He stuffed the butt down the sink when he'd finished and ran some water, then sprayed his deodorant around to try and mask the smell. It didn't.

His heart lurched when he opened the door to find Sandy stood there.

" Have you calmed down now?"

Sandy had his stern 'you're going to listen' voice on.

Ryan went over and stood by the kitchenette counter putting space between him and Sandy.

" I don't even know where to start Ryan, what the hell were you thinking? I know you are upset but kid…drugs? I thought you were smarter than that."

"I guess you were wrong about me then." Ryan retorted.

"Don't smart mouth me…"

"Just put it down as something else you can add to the file, a special page 'Delinquent now doing drugs, almost offed himself'…"

Sandy sighed, knowing this was a major cause for Ryan's behavior.

" Ryan… that file… It's not to study you… it's a practicality. When we brought you into our home we knew nothing about you, things like when you had chicken pox as a kid or what jabs you had, any allergies. It's standard practice. Don't read anything into it."

Ryan could feel himself getting angry. Pent up things that he'd wanted to say the last few days had come flying to the fore.

"Don't read anything into it? You know that file contains more than general information Sandy…my whole fucking life is laid bare. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you have any idea? …This was my chance for a new start. I could leave that stuff behind me. Have you like me for who I am…. but now I know you took me out of PITY. It makes me feel like a fucking broken toy that no one else wanted and it makes me sick. I don't want to be here for that reason."

Sandy blanched, Ryan had the same dead expression he had had that first meeting in juvie. The look that said 'I'm worthless, don't even bother with me."

"Ryan we didn't take you out of pity…. you have got to believe that…."

"Why should I believe what you say Sandy …you've been lying to me since my mom left….why the hell should I believe ANYTHING you say."

Ryan was shouting now. Sandy didn't know how to speak to Ryan when he was like this. His normal reaction was to shout back, to get heavy like he did with Seth when he was annoyed but Ryan had heard too many people shouting at him, and he didn't need another. He forced his voice to remain calm.

"Ryan we did what we thought was best…we want you here. You ARE a part of this family but you've got to see that you need to let go of this anger you've been carrying around with you. You clearly aren't putting things behind you. Your past is still there and it's causing problems for you… I…we think you need to see someone, someone who can help you with your trust issues. You NEED to understand that we WANT you here."

Sandy was willing Ryan to listen to what he was saying and realise that this was for his own good.

"Your father is gone now and I think you need to talk about what he di…"

"No! The word came out a whisper. "No, please Sandy, don't."

Ryan's posture changed from aggressive to introverted in an instant, his arms folded around his body. He seemed to shrink in stature. It made Sandy's flesh goose bump seeing the dramatic change in Ryan but he needed to push forward.

"Ryan, I'm sorry but you need to face this."

Ryan didn't let him finish. He charged past Sandy and out of the door.

Sandy rushed after him.

He called out, "Ryan STOP!"

Kirsten and Seth emerged from the kitchen to see Ryan disappearing down the path. Sandy caught up with him and grabbed his arm.

Ryan looked down and tried to wrench his arm away. Sandy held on tight, afraid to let go.

" Get your hands off me."

Kirsten and Seth caught up with them. They were engaged in a staring contest, neither backing down.

Seth recognised the look on Ryan's face. He had seen it too many times as the one that usually preceded a punch.

"Dad…," Seth wasn't sure what was going on but someone was going to get hurt.

Kirsten gently put her hand on her husband's arm.

"Let go Sandy."

Sandy stood unable to move, he was locked in Ryan's gaze. He was sure Ryan's eyes were blue but now they had taken on an almost black quality like twin pools linked directly to his soul, and the desolation he saw in them shook him to the core.

Kirsten spoke again.

"Sandy, let him go"

He looked down and was surprised to see his hand still tightly wrapped around Ryan's upper arm. He released his grip and stepped back.

Kirsten put her arm around Ryan and led him back toward the house.

"Come with me Ryan. That's enough talking for today."

She was surprised that Ryan passively allowed her to steer him into the house, past the kitchen and into the downstairs hall. She opened the door to the spare room. She sat him on the bed. She was taken aback when he wrapped his arms tightly around her and buried his face into her neck.

Kirsten heard the word that she had been hoping to hear for a while now but never dared to think would happen.

"Mom."

His arms tightened as if he never wanted to let her go and in that instant she had a moment of blinding clarity. This wasn't a breakthrough.

It was a different mother he was thinking about and a different time he was remembering.

Her mothering instincts took over. She rocked him and spoke soothing phrases, trying desperately to give him comfort. A hug wasn't going to fix all the pain in his life… but it was a start.

**TBC**


	12. fallen idol

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Thanks for the reviews boys and girls.**

**Disclaimer - I own nothing!**

**Come Undone **

Chapter 12.

Ryan awoke to darkness. He felt disoriented, something wasn't right. He pushed the tangled blanket off and sat up. He let his eyes grow accustomed to the dark and realised that he was in the guest room. His heart sank as the day's events came rushing back. He flicked on the lamp and looked at his watch. It was midnight. He'd slept all afternoon and evening.

He rubbed his hand over his face trying to get rid of the heaviness of too much sleep. The last thing he remembered was clinging onto Kirsten like a fucking baby. Way to let your guard down Atwood. He got up and realised he still had his boots on. He sat back down and removed them, all the while listening for sounds from the house. He crept to the door and opened it. The hallway was in darkness too, it looked like the Cohen's had retired for the night.

He slowly padded his way to the kitchen and unlocked the back door, gently shutting it behind him, and made his way to the pool house. He stripped his clothes off in the dark, went to the bathroom and stepped under the shower, turning the heat and pressure up so it blasted his skin and massaged his aching body. He stayed there until his skin pruned, then reluctantly turned the shower off. He got a clean pair of sweats out and put them on, then sat down on the bed.

He resisted the urge to put the light on. That was the disadvantage of the pool house being opposite Kirsten and Sandy's suite, they were like trap door spiders. Some nights when he couldn't sleep he'd put his light on and read, only to find five minutes later one of them would be tapping on the door checking things were all right. Part of him liked that level of concern but the secluded side of him sometimes wished to be left alone, and now was one of those times.

So he sat in the dark wishing things could go back to normal. If he could just turn the clock back a week he was sure he would have handled things differently. He would have kept his emotions in check. But now he was left with the feeling that he and Sandy were pushing against each other and there was no way back. And he was sure he had freaked Kirsten out with his silent clinging display last night. If she was worried about brain damage before, she probably had her proof now. He didn't even know why he'd done it; he'd never been a tactile person generally so it confused him as to why he had held on to Kirsten. Shit he really hadn't been thinking straight the last few days and that probably had something to do with all the drugs and booze he had consumed. Now he could get back in control of himself.

* * *

Kirsten and Sandy had spent half the night in each other's arms trying to make sense of how they were going to proceed with Ryan. They both knew they were in over their heads with this situation. Sandy was still feeling the guilt of forcefully restraining Ryan, he knew that he'd done it for the right reasons but it didn't make it any easier. He had grabbed his arm because he hadn't wanted to lose Ryan again and that fear had made him hold on so tight but the look in Ryan's eyes had said it all. The look that Sandy had seen was almost one of resignation that the honeymoon period was over. Sandy knew he had to build some bridges with Ryan and fast.

They had both agreed that Ryan needed to see someone professionally, someone who was trained in dealing with Ryan's complex psyche. They also knew that Ryan would see it as a further alienation from the family, one thing that would cause him to remember that his past experiences had set him apart from them but they couldn't let him fall back into denial. They both knew they were in for a rough ride.

* * *

Seth stood outside the pool house, he could see Ryan lying on his bed through the chink in the blind. Now all he had to do was go in and talk to him, something he'd been putting off. Yesterday had been a rollercoaster ride for the family and he had managed to avoid it.

Seth knew that Ryan wasn't stupid and soon he would wonder why the friend who normally wouldn't give him a moment's peace was suddenly avoiding him. Seth had lain in bed most of last night thinking about Ryan, trying to imagine what life must have been like for him. Seth had a hard time trying to comprehend how a father could do that to his son. Seth knew that it happened, he'd seen enough Movies of the Week to know that it did but this was Ryan, someone he knew and that freaked him out. What if his mouth ran away with him and he said something to Ryan that would cause Ryan to hate him? He couldn't bear that. Ryan was his first real friend. Seth grabbed the door handle; he couldn't put this off forever.

He tapped on the door and swung it open. Ryan sat up with an unreadable look on his face.

"Hey Buddy…. I bought you a coffee...good and strong just as you like it."

Ryan took the cup.

"Thanks."

He took a sip knowing that it was probably unwise considering he hadn't eaten anything since he had puked his guts up in Chino and he had apparently spent most of yesterday asleep so food had been the last thing on his mind. He was hungry now and had just been contemplating going in and raiding the fridge,

Seth fidgeted around not quite knowing what to do or say, so he just watched Ryan drink his coffee. He noticed that Ryan was now looking at him and was starting to clench his jaw.

"Did you want something Seth or are you just in a hurry to leave, cause I'm not stopping you." His voice had a slight edge to it.

Seth thought fast…. act naturally or he's going to know. So he fell back on an old favourite.

"Ryan I need your advice…. the thing is me and Summer…"

And that did it. As he rambled on about Summer he saw Ryan relax as they settled into their old routine. It was easy. His dad was right, this was Ryan, nothing had changed. He was still Ryan. Ryan who he had seen OD in the last 24 hours, Ryan who was going to run out on him again in Chino, Ryan who had almost lost it with his dad last night. But deep down essentially he was still Ryan, the boy who had seen beyond Seth's geek side and had totally always had his back. Now it was time for Seth to give some of that back.

* * *

Kirsten relaxed when she heard the sound of Ryan and Seth in the kitchen. She had really expected to find Ryan gone this morning but short of locking him in the house like Ryan had said, she knew there was no real way of getting him to stay other than making him realise that this was now his home rather than just a place he was living in.

She breezed in with a jovial 'Good Morning' that would have made Sir Laurence Olivier proud. She wanted to hug Seth who had noticed the change in atmosphere in the room and had gone into hyper babble mode to cover.

Ryan was amused by the way Seth was playing both him and Kirsten but it was helping to ease the awkwardness between them and it helped him avoid the events of last night with Kirsten. He began to think that things weren't so bad, that they could all return to normal after all.

That was until Sandy walked in. Ryan could feel himself tense. He forced himself to continue eating his cereal and tried to smile at the right times but his body was letting him down.

Sandy sat down opposite Ryan, trying to keep the conversation light, laughing at Seth's description of a water polo jock.

Ryan could kick himself, he was supposed to be in control but the tell tale signs of anxiety were setting in. His palms were sweating and he could feel his heart racing. In fact, a whole lot like the symptoms when AJ made an appearance after an ass -kicking episode. Ryan tried to rationalise that this was Sandy and the two couldn't compare but last night Ryan had seen a side of Sandy that he hadn't known existed. Ryan stared at his glass of juice, willing himself to calm down.

Seth was getting worried as he looked from his dad to Ryan. He could see the change in Ryan when his dad came in the room, he had gone from just looking awkward to looking scared and that wasn't an expression he'd seen on Ryan before. His mom had noticed too by the look on her face.

Sandy had had enough. The guilt of last night had been justified by the look of Ryan. He wasn't going to let Ryan feel like this with him being the cause.

"Seth, can you give us a moment please?"

Seth picked up his bowl and retreated. He gave a smile to Ryan.

"Hey I forgot that Summer and Luke are coming over later to see you."

Seth made his way upstairs, yeah like that was going to help, but he hoped that would give Ryan something else to focus on, it looked like his parents meant business.

"Look Ryan I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to upset you kid, you know that right?"

Ryan still stared at his juice. Sandy sighed inwardly. Kirsten took over.

"We think that it would help if you talked to someone outside the family, O.K? We've managed to get you an appointment for today."

Kirsten might well have been talking to a statue for all the good it appeared to be doing.

"O.K Sweetie?"

Ryan nodded slowly.

"It's not a punishment kid, we're worried about you."

Sandy leant over and moved the juice.

"Can you look at us so we know that you are still awake?"

He tried to make it sound like a joke.

Ryan looked up. The blank expression was back.

"I'll go if you want me to."

Sandy had expected more of a fight. He looked at Kirsten.

Sandy got up and walked round the table.

"So we'll take you at 2pm."

He rested his hand on Ryan's shoulder. He saw Ryan shut his eyes and visibly flinch but a second later the mask was back.

Ryan got up and put his bowl in the sink.

"O.K, I'll be ready at two. I'm going to get dressed," and left Sandy staring at his retreating back.

Sandy rubbed his hand over his face, looking crushed.

"Kirsten, he can't even bear to be in the same room as me now. How did things get so bad?"

* * *

Ryan sat on his bed. He had just made a fool out of himself again. No wonder the Cohen's wanted to send him to a shrink, he was a fucking freak.

What the hell was wrong with him that he couldn't hold it together for twenty minutes, it was only a damn breakfast. It had never had a problem before. That was rule number one in Chino; never let the bastards know they had got to you. That had been his thing Trey had said, his ability to maintain a poker face no matter what.

Ryan retreated to the bathroom for another illicit smoke. As he let the nicotine calm his system he realised that what it came down to was Sandy had let him down. Sandy had been the only adult who he had ever really looked up to, and the realization that Sandy had feet of clay had shaken him.

**TBC**


	13. Not talking

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer-I own nothing**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 13

Ryan sat outside the therapist's office feeling like a condemned man. This was the last place he wanted to be. The silent car ride had been bad, but sat in a chair opposite Sandy the silence was palpable. Kirsten was trying her best to break the atmosphere between the two men by flicking through a magazine and commenting on various articles, but discussions on whether blue was the new black was not really doing it for Ryan.

The door opened and a short, balding, portly man stepped out and introduced himself to the group. He shook hands with the Cohens and asked them to step into his office for a moment.

If he'd been Seth, his ear would have been pressed up against the door but it depressed him to think what the Cohens were saying about him. So he sat slumped in his chair and tried to think happy thoughts. His mind wandered on to Missy. He wished she were here now, she'd think of a way to lighten the mood but as his mind pondered on Missy and her ways, his dick started to wake. Shit …so he had quickly thought of all the work that Dr Kim had sent home for him to catch up on…. Ohh yeah…the thought of Dr Kim had quelled any stirrings.

What seemed like an age later the door opened and Sandy and Kirsten stepped out and 'Fatty Arbuckle' asked him in.

Ryan sat down and the therapist proceeded to introduce himself and talk about the process…. Ryan phased out and looked around the room at the photographs Dr What's-his-name had proudly displayed. Ryan didn't want to be here so the retention of this idiot's name and where he'd studied wasn't in the least bit interesting.

Then 'Fatty', as he had not so affectingly become in Ryan's mind, started asking him questions.

'So Ryan how do you find living with the Cohens?"

"Fine"

"You must find it a lot different to living in Chino?"

"S'pose."

"You must miss your family?"

"Sometimes"

"You must feel a bit strange living with a new family, it must mean some adjustments from you?"

"Naa"

It went on and on.

Ryan just gazed insolently at the Doctor. He knew he was deliberately being difficult but he couldn't see the point of this. He had said he'd come but it didn't mean that he was going to suddenly start singing like a canary.

Ryan could see that 'Fatty' was getting annoyed but was doing his best to keep his sympathetic therapist's smile in place.

"Ryan, don't you think that you need to take this more seriously? Your foster parents are worried about you."

"Well, it sounds to me like they have the problem then, there's nothing wrong with me Dr…. Umm?"

"Dr Green, Ryan."

Dr Green took his glasses off, pinched the bridge of his nose and stared at Ryan.

"Ryan this isn't about there being anything wrong with you. It's about speaking to someone impartial. You can tell me anything that's on your mind."

Ryan crossed his arms and looked at the ceiling. Dr Green pressed on; this kid was a tough nut to crack.

"Your father passed away recently, how do you think you coped with that?"

Ryan paused for a while then lent in towards the desk.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course Ryan."

Dr Green got excited, this was the first time that the boy had shown any animation since the session started.

Ryan looked over at the photograph displayed on the wall, of a rather sweaty looking Dr Green and a pretty little brunette who looked young enough to be his daughter.

"Is that your wife?"

Dr Green looked confused.

"Yes…yes it is."

"Tell me Dr Green, do you ever wonder what your pretty young wife is up to when you're here all day talking to fuck ups like me? Does that ever bother you? Have you ever thought about that? Tell me what do you think?"

Dr Green looked like he was suffering an apoplectic fit he went so red.

Ryan leant back in his chair.

"See? It's not so easy talking about personal things to a stranger is it Dr Green?"

Dr Green stared at Ryan then spluttered that they would leave the session there.

Ryan got up and opened the door; he saw the expectant faces of the Cohens' looking up at him from where they sat. It was like they thought he'd emerge from the office all fixed and peppy.

Dr Green, still bright red, asked them both to come back into his office. Ryan slumped back into one of the chairs in the waiting area again.

They emerged five minutes later. They looked pissed. Kirsten was the only one to speak to him and she just uttered the words, 'Oh Ryan…'

* * *

The ride home was worse than bad. Sandy drove like a madman. Kirsten had to keep telling him to slow down. Ryan knew they were itching to get home and discuss the latest Ryan let down. Ryan could have kicked himself, all he had had to do was feed the therapist some shit and all this could have been avoided but the sadistic side of Ryan was pushing the boundaries and he knew it was childish but he couldn't stop himself.

Sandy turned to Ryan as they got out the car.

"Ryan you _are_ going to continue with therapy, no matter how hard you try to sabotage the sessions. You got that? Jesus, Ryan… when will you understand that we are trying to help you?"

"I don't need help Sandy, I don't need to talk to anyone."

Sandy sighed.

"Kid, you have to talk to someone about this, you won't talk to us, you never talk to us. You're obviously not happy."

" I'm happy when I get left alone."

Ryan saw the look that passed between the Cohens, the pity look.

Ryan took a deep breath and voiced what had been on his mind for a while now.

"I don't think my living here is such a good idea any more, I think if I went into a group home, that would be best for everybody."

Ryan turned away and missed the look of devastation on both the Cohens' faces.

* * *

Ryan sat by the pool and stared into the water. Yup, it would be best if he just left. Let the Cohens get back to their cocooned life where they didn't have to deal with his shit. He'd just proved a point to himself the last couple of months, that him and family life didn't suit one another. It always turned to crap. Seth would be O.K now; he had Summer, Luke and Marissa. If he kept his head down in a group home the months would fly by and then he'd be eighteen and he could do what he wanted.

Seth had tried to discuss how the session had gone with Ryan when he'd got in but Ryan had his 'we are not going to talk about it' face on. Seth could hear his parents arguing when they had returned so he knew something was up. Seth had wanted to eavesdrop on the conversation but had realized over the last few days that sometimes you could find out things that you really didn't want to know. So he'd been very mature and walked away. Summer had told him not to push Ryan at the moment so he'd suggested a game of play station instead of letting Ryan brood in the pool house and had been surprised when Ryan had smiled and agreed. So maybe things weren't too bad after all.

* * *

Ryan and Seth were still playing when Summer and Luke arrived. Summer went over and hugged Ryan, then gave him a swift hit to the head.

"Where were you Chino? We were worried about you." She managed to look pissed and concerned at the same time, which was quite an achievement.

Seth and Luke laughed at the look on Ryan's face.

"Chino was in Chino," Seth answered for him.

"What the hell were you doing in Chino for like four days, you didn't revert back to your 'Fast and Furious' ways did you?" Summer semi- joked.

After witnessing his drunken display at the party, and narrowly missing a penis flash from Ryan, she realised that Chino Ryan was very different from Newport Ryan.

" He was banging a totally hot older chick, an ex of his brother's no less." Seth grinned at Luke.

"Way to go Dude. Older women just know what they are doing," Luke went bright red, "so I'm told."

Ryan returned Luke's high five. He was thankful that Seth had steered the conversation in this direction, O.K it was pissing Summer off by the looks of her but at least he was having a laugh. He needed that right now.

"Chino! We were worried about you. First Holly now this, can't you keep it in your pants?" Summer looked at Seth. "And what were you doing there Cohen, besides checking this girl out?"

"Summer I wasn't checking her out I swear... I only have eyes for you…."

Ryan and Luke exchanged a 'look' as Summer and Seth proceeded to bicker. He handed Luke a controller and settled back into the game.

An hour later and Ryan made his way into the kitchen for a snack foray. He rooted through the cupboards for chips trying to remember Seth's list of preferences.

Kirsten walked in and nervously hovered behind him.

Ryan turned round, his arms full of bags.

"Sorry I'll put some of them back."

"It's not that Sweetie." Kirsten took a deep breath and pulled out the 'Test' from her pocket.

Ryan flushed.

"Ohh, right."

"I'm sorry Sweetie…. it's not that we don't trust you but…."

Ryan gave her a slight smile.

"But you don't trust me…It's alright...I get it, I screwed up."

"Ryan you didn't really mean what you said about the home did you?"

"Yeah it would be best, I mean you didn't really want me here at first and I've caused nothing but problems. Sandy and me aren't good. So yeah…I think it would be best."

"Ryan…"

Ryan stopped her by asking about the test.

"So I just swab my mouth?"

Kirsten sadly handed him the swab. Ryan was just pissed off with the world at the moment. She'd give him some space then later on tonight have a talk. She hoped that she'd have a better time than Sandy had.

Ryan was just in the process of rubbing it around his mouth when a voice boomed.

"Kiki…I let myself in…"

Caleb strode into the kitchen and looked at the scene before him.

"What's going on here?"

Caleb wondered why the trailer trash boy had a cotton bud in his mouth and why his daughter looked so guilty.

Kirsten tried to reach for the packaging but Caleb got there first.

He read the leaflet, then glared at Ryan.

**TBC**

**R+R**


	14. Showdown

**Thanks to Melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

**Come Undone **

Chapter 14.

You could have heard a pin drop in the kitchen. It was like a scene from an old Weston. Ryan was pretty sure who was going to draw first by the look on Caleb's face.

"You brought a junkie into this house Kiki." Caleb's voice boomed. "I can't believe you'd be so irresponsible."

"Dad, it's not like that." Kirsten face reddened and she looked at Ryan. Her eyes pleading with him to know that she would have done anything to avoid this for him if she could.

"Not like that…so you're not testing this piece of trash for drugs Kirsten? What about my grandson? Your son…don't tell me you are happy with his, I know how you were with Hailey. This is Sandford's fault, his bleeding heart has put my grandson at risk and I'm not having it."

"Dad…No! I won't have you interfere in this, this has nothing to do with you!"

"This has everything to do with me Kiki…. You have put Seth at risk. Who knows what that kid has been encouraging him to do." Caleb shouted.

Ryan dropped the swab on the floor as Seth, Luke and Summer entered the kitchen from one direction and Sandy rushed in from another. Everyone started shouting at once, voices merging over one another. He stood there rooted to the spot.

_"Granddad. Ryan's my friend he'd never…" _

"Caleb, this is none of your business"

"That scum has been nothing but trouble…. He burnt down my house."

"Mr Nicol, that was my fault…."

"His father has just died granddad,"

"He's been taking drugs for gods sake. Why are you defending him Kiki?"

"He's having a hard time at the moment dad."

Ryan wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. Ryan never liked being the centre of attention at the best of times; they were all speaking about him, all shouting. He could feel the tell tale signs of anxiety creeping back.

"Please just shut up…please just shut up. Please just shut up." his brain screamed.

"PLEASE JUST SHUT UP."

Six pairs of eyes looked round at him. Only then did he realize he had shouted the words.

"Please stop shouting." He modified his voice but that didn't stop the looks.

Caleb strode over to Ryan and poked him in the chest.

"I don't know what hold you have over my family Boy, but I'm not fooled by you. You're scum, no wonder your own family didn't want you."

Ryan stepped back but the finger poked again. He could hear Kirsten say 'dad!' in a shocked tone. Caleb continued.

"You don't deserve people treating you like a human being, you're an animal Ryan and it's only a matter of time before they see it too, let's face it your gene pool is pretty tainted, alcoholic mother, jailbird father and brother. That's where you should be."

Caleb was inches from his face, invading his space. The finger stabbed his chest again. Caleb's face amalgamated into all the bastards who had put him down in the past. He could see Sandy rush over as he pulled his arm back and squarely hit Caleb on the jaw. Sandy tried to catch a stunned Caleb as he stumbled back but missed and he crumpled to the floor. As Ryan drew his arm back again he felt a body behind him grabbing both his arms and pinned them to his sides. He struggled against the restraint wanting to pound Caleb to the ground.

Caleb sat on the floor; Kirsten tried to help him up. Caleb gave a snorted laugh.

"You've just proved my point Ryan, That's assault and you better believe I'm going to press charges. You're heading straight back to where you belong."

"Get him out of here." Sandy shouted at Luke.

Luke pulled a struggling Ryan out of the door leading to the pool and contemplated throwing him in to cool down.

"Ryan, calm down man." Luke tentatively released his hold.

Ryan laced his hands behind his head and paced.

"Fuck…. fuck…what did I just do?"

"Look, let's just get out of here for a while." Luke got his keys out and led Ryan to his car.

They drove around in silence for a while before Luke finally spoke.

"Can he really send you back to Juvie for that?"

"Yeah…with that and the drugs. Yeah I'm in direct violation of my probation."

" I didn't know you did drugs Chino. I mean enough for the Cohen's to want to test you?"

"That's just another manifestation of my fuck up week. I partied hard in Chino, did too much coke. I hadn't built up a tolerance or something and I OD'd." Ryan looked embarrassed.

Luke took his eyes off the road to look at Ryan for a second.

"Shit, Ryan that's heavy. So that's why Seth was so freaked."

"Yeah...he found me." Ryan shut his eyes at the memory of that night. "I've really fucked up this time Luke. Caleb isn't going to let this go. He's always hated me and now I've given him the perfect excuse to get rid of me. I'm probably not high on the Cohens list either…Shit, I punched out Kirsten's dad. What the fuck is wrong with me."

Luke wished there was something he could say. Luke pulled into a gas station.

"I've just got to juice this baby, then we'll figure something out O.K?"

"I don't think we are gonna be able to fix this Luke but thanks. I mean that."

Luke got out and filled the tank, Ryan watched as he went into pay. He slid his way over the seat and was just starting up as Luke emerged from the station. As he pulled away he could see Luke sprinting towards the car.

"Ryan! STOP."

Hell, things couldn't get much worse so he might as well add another car theft to his growing list of misdemeanours not that he thought Luke would press charges but his dad might. Hey, he was on a roll might as well go for the hat trick.

* * *

Caleb sat with an ice pack on his face. He was still spitting vitriol about Ryan even though Kirsten was trying he best to make him back down.

"Sandford, I told you to call the police."

Seth squawked "Grandpa… You can't do that."

Summer added "Mr Nicol…No please."

Sandy had had enough.

"Caleb, My office now."

Caleb followed, icepack still clamped to his jaw.

"Nothing you can say is going to change my mind on that boy."

Sandy rounded on Caleb as he shut the door.

" I'm going to appeal to your better nature, assuming that you still have one. You must have had a heart at some point otherwise you wouldn't have got Kirsten's mother to marry you."

" Hang on a moment there Sandy. What gives yo…"

"Shut up…. you are going to listen to me for once." Sandy held his voice very even. He removed Ryan's file from the filing cabinet.

" I'm going to show you something, and I swear to god if you use ANY of this against Ryan at any time now or in the future we WILL cut you out of this family. I'm sure I speak for Kirsten and Seth on this one. I mean It Cal. Just read this file and then tell me you still want to call the police."

He placed the file in front of Caleb.

"Sandford…I don't know what you are trying to do but…"

"Read!"

Caleb opened the file. Sandy watched as he read and flicked the pages.

He walked over to the small drinks trolley and poured two scotches and placed one next to Caleb. The icepack lay forgotten now pooling water on the desk. He watched as Caleb's expression changed to a frown as he studied a photo of Ryan taken after one of the many social service investigations that had led to nowhere except a short stay in a foster home. When Caleb got to the page that contained the possible sexual abuse allegation, he looked up at Sandy and took a swig of his scotch and continued to read. When he finished he closed the file and Sandy took it and replaced it in the draw. Caleb was for once in his life very quiet.

Sandy refilled both their glasses.

"So Cal, Do you still want to call the police?"

Caleb looked slightly green.

" I…I had no idea about any of this…I…."

"No, you chose to think the worst of Ryan, no matter what anyone said. That's an admirable quality you have Cal, forming your own opinions on people before you have the facts. Now do you know why we took Ryan into our home? Do you have any idea what that kid is going through at the moment. His father dying brought back a lot of painful memories for him, I think you know what I mean…and you rubbed his nose in it…If Ryan hadn't have hit you first…I tell you now, I was on my way over to do it."

Caleb just nodded.

"His Father?"

"Yes Caleb…. his father."

"Here's what we are going to do…you are going to forget you read this file. I don't expect you to be nice to him over night because that kid is sharp and he'll know something is up but lay off him... I mean it."

Caleb nodded again and finished his drink. He needed it.

* * *

Ryan drove around Newport for a while before he left the car in a car park and texted Luke on his phone to tell him where it was. He set of on foot wandering around Newport seeing the side he had never been to. He walked into one bar but they had carded him. He continued down the street and on his third attempt found one that served him.

He was on his second boilermaker when he got his phone out. He had four messages from Luke, two from Summer, six from Seth and two from Sandy when he switched it on. He finished his beer as he deleted them one by one. He wasn't running he told himself, just giving himself a little more time before the shit really hit the fan. He knew that he told the Cohens that he wanted to leave but a trip back to juvenile corrections was not what he wanted at all. The thought scared the hell out of him. Now that was a very real possibility he realized that leaving the Cohens was the last thing in the world he wanted to do.

He punched a number in and ordered another round.

" Hey Chris it's Ryan…. is Missy there?"

**TBC**


	15. Help

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer - I own nothing - fox won't let me!**

**Come Undone **

Chapter 15

Missy eventually found the bar after driving around Newport for about half an hour. Ryan's directions had been off. Seeing as Ryan didn't really have a clue where he was it was a miracle that she had found the place at all, but Missy had discovered that asking men directions whilst wearing a low cut top had done the trick.

It was two hours since Ryan had called and she had borrowed a car and driven straight down. She knew something was up, not that Ryan was saying anything but the calls she had gotten from both Seth and Mrs Cohen asking her to please ring if Ryan turned up had put her on red alert. She had held off telling them that he'd rung for two reasons; the first being that she had actually missed him and wanted to see him, the second was that she wanted to try and see if she could talk some sense into him and find out why he'd done a disappearing act on the Cohens again.

She pushed open the door and couldn't see him immediately. She scanned the room. She saw his shaggy blond head bent over a far table. There was a half empty glass of beer in front of him and he was repeatedly placing a beer matt on the edge of the table, flipping and catching it. Missy ordered a couple of beers and walked over to the table.

"Hey Mister. Care ta give a girl a good time?"

She set the beer down in front of him and sat down. Ryan looked up with a smile on his face.

"Hey."

"So this is what you get up to in Newport, I must admit I was expecting more luxurious surroundings but I'm not fussy. So why are you sitting in a bar drinking alone?"

Ryan's mouth was smiling but the smile wasn't reaching his eyes.

" No reason, just fancied a beer. It's good to see you Missy."

"Really...no problems?"

"Nope."

Missy let it go for now, the Atwood men could be pig headed when they wanted.

"Sorry I took so long, I got a bit lost. I must admit I was expecting you to be paralytic by now."

Ryan held up his half finished beer.

"I've been nursing this for the last hour, I figured that you wouldn't want to have to carry me out of here unconscious, I've got to be careful now or I'll get a reputation as being a lightweight."

Ryan gave Missy one of his half smiles that caused her to melt.

"I really am sorry about the other night, you know when I, um, …I never really thanked you and you didn't need the Cohens showing up like that. I hope they didn't give you a hard time."

"No they didn't actually, they were too worried about you. " Missy said pointedly. She noticed Ryan looked uncomfortable with the way this was going. After a long stilted conversation that led nowhere Missy realized that if she wanted Ryan to loosen up it was time for a different tack.

"So I've come all this way to see you, are you going to show me the ocean? I'll let you buy me an ice cream and if you're a lucky boy I might give you a lick!"

Ryan looked at Missy as she gave him a provocative look and ran her tongue over her lips. Ryan felt the telltale pressure in his groin and the anticipation in his stomach. If he was heading back to juvie he damn well wanted to make sure he got his tonight and he couldn't think of a better way to forget his troubles for a few hours. He picked up his fresh beer and swallowed it down in a few gulps.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Ryan stood up and picked up Missy's jacket, holding it in front of himself, concealing his groin from the other drinkers.

Missy got up and followed. He was hilarious, she'd never met a man whose dick was on such a hair-trigger. Ryan was so easy to wind up, but then sixteen year old boys were ruled by their hormones.

Missy had a hard time thinking of Ryan as being that young, he didn't act like your average teen. O.K she was only five years older, that didn't quite put her in the Mrs Robinson category yet and somehow being with Ryan wasn't as squicky as it should've been because if there was one thing she knew, Ryan was NOT an innocent when it came to women. However, she had felt guilt over the whole drug thing.

She would never have put temptation in his way if she'd have known he was in such a bad place, especially that night. She would have kept him relaxed on weed and not strung out on coke, but things were always easier in hindsight and she was a big girl and admitted her mistakes.

They walked down the block in silence until they reached Missy's ride.

"Here's my car... so what'll it be, car or walk? This is your town."

Ryan laid her jacket on the hood of the car and trapped her between the car and himself, pushing his lower body into hers.

He nuzzled her neck and whispered. "You've got two choices Melissa. One, I just throw you in the back of the car right here, right now or we can drive to the pier and stop at the motel for the night?"

Missy felt something inside her contract; his voice changed into such a hot drawl when he was aroused and all she could think about was his hard on grinding into her upper thigh. The first option sounded so good but there were still too many people around for decency's sake that would go out the window if he didn't stop kissing her in his dirty open mouthed way.

She pulled away from his kiss.

"Motel…now…please." Jesus, someone had stolen her words, she'd be reduced to a monosyllabic moron if he continued to do what he was doing.

Ryan stepped back and retrieved her jacket, opened the car door for her and got in the other side. He gave her directions as best he could and they eventually found themselves on the coast road heading towards the pier. Neither of them spoke, both wanting to hold onto the highly charged feeling happening between them.

They pulled into the parking lot of the motel; Ryan grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the office. The reception desk was empty. Ryan rang the bell and when no one appeared rang it again five seconds later. A voice from the back called out.

"I'll be with you in a minute."

Missy laughed at the impatient growl that emanated from the back of Ryan's throat. He looked so sexy and hungry that she launched herself on him. Missy's hand found the front of his pants and started massaging his hard on through the denim. Ryan felt so sensitive he thought he'd explode there and then. They were indulging in a heavy kiss, teeth clashing against lips when they heard a polite throat clearing behind them.

"Can I help you?" The manager was looking amused as he looked at the pair of them. They were so obviously not a couple of weary travellers.

"Room for the night please," Ryan managed to get out.

The manager handed a registration form over to Ryan to fill out. Missy peered over Ryan's shoulder as he filled in a fake name and address. He slid the form back, got his wallet out and stuffed a handful of notes in to the manager's hands and grabbed the key.

The manager was just beginning to explain where the room was but was cut short when Missy gave him a wink and dragged Ryan out of there calling over her shoulder.

"We'll find it."

They ran up the wooden stairs and along the walkway. They stopped outside the room. Missy was impressed by Ryan's multitasking. As he turned her around and started kissing her again, she could feel him behind her fumbling with the lock whilst his other hand was undoing the buttons on her over shirt. The door flew open and they both fell into the room. Ryan kicked the door shut with his foot. Her shirt was off in seconds and they tumbled towards the bed.

The pace was frenetic and Ryan could feel the sweat river down his back. God he had really needed this. For the first time in days his mind was clear of everything bad, the only thing that mattered was right here on the bed.

The sound of Missy's moaning was bringing him quickly to the brink, he let go, thrusting deep and joined her. He let out a loud "Jesus Christ' as if he had just had an epiphany and rode the wave of spasms as he came.

The only sound in the room was of ragged breathing until Missy started a low chuckle. Ryan joined in.

"Boy, were you in a hurry Ryan…you didn't even take your boots off!"

Ryan started laughing in earnest. He winced.

" And now I'm getting cramp in my legs," he drawled as he gently lowered her down on the bed and rolled off her.

Missy raised herself up onto her elbow and stared at Ryan as he lay on the bed, breathing heavily with his eyes shut, his pants halfway down his legs, all sweaty and hot, and looking for the entire world like a very debauched version of Bacchus. She could look at his ripped body for hours. So she stared until his breathing evened out.

"Hey, are you going to sleep there?" She nudged him with her toe.

Ryan opened his eyes with a snort.

"Me?…no." He lent over and gave her a kiss. Then he got up and muttered the word "bathroom."

She watched as he shakily walked to the bathroom clutching his pants around his waist. She grinned. If his legs were trembling as much as hers at this moment it was no mean feat that he was upright. She heard the toilet flushing the now redundant condom away and Ryan returned to the room bare-chested. He had stripped his shirt off and was now wiping his chest with his tee shirt.

He flopped back down on the bed.

"I really need a shower but I'm not sure my legs will hold me up."

Missy snuggled into him and he wrapped his arms around her.

"I like you all sweaty Babe."

Ryan laughed. "You won't be saying that in a couple of hours!" Missy slapped his chest.

They both settled into a quiet doze, both feeling utterly spent.

Missy woke up a while later, checking her watch to find she'd been asleep for almost an hour, a decent power snooze! She wiggled out from under Ryan's arms not wanting to wake him and crept into the bathroom to pee.

She glanced into the mirror at her hair in disarray. The Ryan Atwood kissing technique left a girl looking like she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. She was trying to flatten it into submission when a buzzing noise startled her. Ryan's mobile lay on top of the toilet cistern and was vibrating wildly. She picked it up and noticed all the messages building up. O.K it was an invasion of Ryan's privacy but she wanted to know what was going on.

She opened the first message.

_Kid, you have nothing to worry about, please come home, if not please just let us know you're O.K._

The second read.

_Ryan buddy, you've got to stop doing this, you're giving everyone a nervous breakdown. Ring me._

There were reams of messages. They obviously cared about him. She knew that she was interfering but she made an executive decision seeing as Ryan wasn't thinking straight at the moment. These people were worried enough.

She opened the first message again and tapped away.

_Ryan O.K, not in Chino but I will try and get him back soon, Melissa_

She pressed send. Now to tackle Ryan to find out what was going on. Missy went back into the bedroom and settled back down next to Ryan. He opened his eyes.

"Hey Sleepyhead." Missy snuggled back into him.

Ryan yawned.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"About an hour and you looked cute."

Ryan gave her a fake glare.

"I don't do cute."

Missy bit the bullet; catch him while he was still sleepy. She dropped the phone on his chest.

"You left this in the bathroom, you've got a lot of messages."

Ryan picked the phone up and put it on the nightstand.

"Ryan what's going on and don't tell me nothing!"

Ryan sighed and she could feel him tense up.

'Tell me…I'm a pretty good listener." Missy wheedled.

Ryan took a deep breath.

" I've really fucked up this time Melissa. I'm heading straight back to Juvie and there's nothing I can do about it."

"It can't be that bad surely?"

" Yeah…. It is. I punched out probably the most powerful man in Newport and he's pressing charges. I've broken the terms of my probation so …yeah I'm going back. I mean I've broken it before but no one has called the police but you can bet that Caleb loved that. Missy I can't go back, that place scares the shit out of me but I don't know how I'm going to get out of it."

"Isn't Mr Cohen a lawyer, he'll help you?"

"It was his father-in-law I punched, Kirsten's dad…. things are just so fucked up at the moment Melissa, why do I always fuck things up?"

Ryan reached into his back pocket and pulled out a rather squashed packet of cigarettes and lit up.

"I mean can't you plead extenuating circumstances or something?" Missy paused. " If you told them about your father dying."

"I don't think that would help."

Missy paused before deciding that it needed to be said. She lowered her voice.

"If you told them about what he did and how it's affecting you at the moment, would that help?"

Ryan went very still. He turned his head and looked at her face.

"What do you mean?"

"Ryan, Trey told me everything...I know Ryan …I know."

Missy's heart broke as Ryan slowly crumbled. He pushed her away and scrambled up. He walked over to the door and swung it open and slammed it behind him.

Missy saw the glow of the cigarette end as he stood outside the window. She knew he wasn't going anywhere clad just in his jeans. Ten minutes later he came back in.

In a low voice he said. "He had no right telling you that, he had no right."

"Why Ryan? Just because _you_ bottle everything inside doesn't mean he has to. You can't keep running away from things, they will only follow you."

Missy walked over to Ryan and wrapped her arms around him; he stood stiffly before returning the hug.

"It wasn't your fault baby, _none_ of it was your fault…you've got to let it go, get on with your life."

"What if I can't Melissa, what if I'm always going to feel like this?"

She silently hugged him before she continued.

"The Cohens really seem to care about you but you've got to start letting them in. I know they're not family and they never will be but they are the closest damn thing you are ever going to get to a real one. I can't see your mom or Trey leaving so many messages for you. Half the time they didn't know you existed."

" But they're my family…. I don't…"

" Let me guess, you think that you are somehow being disloyal to them by being happy with the Cohens…that's a crock of shit Ryan, you've got to stop being a martyr. You owe it to yourself to be happy; don't let your fucking family get in the way. Live for yourself for once."

She felt his tears roll down the back of her neck. She just hoped he was listening.

"But I don't know how to anymore." Ryan tightened his hold.

**TBC**


	16. Ryan talks

**Thanks once again to Melanie39 for beta-ing.**

**A huge thanks to Brandywine for the pimp over at TWoP... You're a doll.**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing still.**

**Come Undone  **

Chapter 16.

Missy sat on the edge of the bed as Ryan talked. She watched as he nervously picked at the comforter.

"Growing up he was a great dad most of the time but when he drank he just turned into this… stranger…It didn't used to happen often so I used to try and separate the two sides but as I got older it became more difficult. Then when he lost his job he drank more and things became bad. The worst thing was I'd hear him go to Trey's room and I'd be relieved cause it meant that he'd leave me alone. How fucked up is that, wishing that on your brother?"

Ryan swallowed and ran his hand through his hair.

"I was so scared Missy, Mom ignored what was going on and Dad told us that we'd be taken away if we told. I really couldn't handle it anymore; I didn't know what was going on, I. …I just knew it was wrong. I began to wish for something bad to happen to him. I would fantasise that a bus would hit him or that he'd catch some disease and die."

Ryan paused before beginning again. He inhaled a shaky breath before continuing.

"When my dad got sent to prison I was so happy…I thought that I'd made it happen. I mean it was like a cloud had lifted from above our house. We didn't have to worry about him any more…but Mom kind of changed after that. She started bringing random guys home, you never knew who would be at the breakfast table in the morning. Some of them were nice but some were real assholes, ya know? They didn't like Trey and me around. They used to give us shit. Mom started drinking more. It was like she didn't care about anything anymore. One day Trey and me came home from school and we found her face down on the couch…. we couldn't wake her; I think she had taken some pills and, on top of the drink, she collapsed. I thought she was going to die. She was in hospital for a few days and we were taken into foster care for a while."

Ryan looked up at Missy.

" I thought it was all my fault…. that it was because I was happy that Dad had been sent away, that I was being punished because I thought those bad things."

Missy so wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault but she didn't want to break the flow of Ryan's confession. She was almost holding her breath, not wanting to break the spell and halt Ryan's words.

"When we went home again Mom had changed. She'd drink all the time; I think she blamed us for just about everything that was shit in her life. As I got older and Trey was around less I tried to make it up to her by staying out of trouble and looking after her…Trey had started hanging around with a bad crowd and it freaked Mom out. It got to the stage where I was the sensible good one for Mom but Trey wanted a kid brother who could handle himself, so I'd be a bad ass for him. We'd go out and do stupid stuff like steal from shops and get wasted at parties but to Mom I was like the Great White Hope. She was so fucking disappointed when I got arrested for stealing that car. The stupid thing was she didn't give a shit about me when her boyfriend beat the crap out of me on a regular basis…but stealing that car she just went off on one, acting like Mom of the Year who'd done so much for her kids and this is how they'd repaid her. Her way of dealing with it was to kick me out and just leave. She left me a note for Christ sake. I had nowhere to go."

Ryan lit a cigarette.

" So I called Sandy who was my PD and the next thing I know I'm living in this huge house in Newport, going to this fancy school and trying not to screw up again. Except I always screw up Melissa. Jesus, I burnt down a house the first week I was there."

Ryan told her about Marissa, Donnie, Tijuana, Oliver and the suspensions, the punching and the guns. Missy just listened.

"I've fucked up their lives so much maybe it's a good thing that I'm heading back to juvie, they can all get back to normal. I've tainted their lives too much, I'm like a fucking albatross circling over them."

He stubbed out his smoke. Missy waited but he had obviously used up his year's supply of talk. He'd said more in the last half hour than in the entire four days they had spent together in Chino. He rested his head back on the wall above the bed. He looked so confused, like he didn't know where that had all come from. Missy saw him blink his eyes a couple of times like he was trying not to break down again. She would give him time to regroup before she said her bit.

Missy got up and slipped her shoes on. She picked up Ryan's boots, tied the laces together and draped them over her shoulder.

"I'm going out for a bit, get us some supplies. You stay here, I won't be long." She lent over the bed and gave him a quick kiss.

"You're taking my _boots?"_ Ryan looked puzzled then amused.

Mission accomplished, she thought that might break the tension.

"Just a precaution, I want you still to be here when I get back. I haven't finished with you yet."

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere Missy!" Ryan raised his eyebrow.

"Well…now you can't, I have you in my power." She winked and walked out the door.

Missy walked to the pier and found a pizza place and stocked up with a six-pack of beer. She ignored the strange looks she got regarding the boots strung over her shoulder. She was long past worrying what other people thought of her.

She returned to the Motel. Her heart skipped a beat when she found the bed empty.

"Ryan?"

"I'm in here."

The sound of the flush a few seconds later made her laugh to herself. Jesus she was turning neurotic where this boy was concerned. Hmm, who'd have thought? Ryan opened the door and flopped back down on the bed.

"Pizza and beer, I knew there was a reason I liked you Missy."

Ryan grabbed a slice. They both ate in silence. When it was finished Ryan rubbed his greasy fingers on his jeans, then started on the beer. Missy put the box on the floor then scooted up the bed and snuggled under Ryan's arm.

" Why do you think that you only bring shit into people's lives Ryan?" Missy questioned.

"I've told you all that's happened."

"Yeah…you did… but what about the good stuff? You didn't mention that, you're all about the negative but what about the positive? When I was talking to Seth that night in Chino he told me quite a different story about your stay in Newport. Let me see. What about you protecting Seth against the jocks, the bullying that stopped when you moved in. The fact that Seth now has friends and a hot girlfriend and it's all down to you; those are his words by the way. The fact that Seth reckons for the first time he feels like he's got a real family since you came to stay. He said before both his mom and dad were so busy with their jobs that he spent most of his time alone, you came along and that changed. O.K you mentioned the guns as if it was your fault but from the way Seth tells it you were quite the hero. Lance only got shot …"

"Luke."

"O.K Luke could have been a lot worse off than just a bullet in the arm if you hadn't gone for the gun and that Oliver dude would be dead if you hadn't talked him down. That Marissa chick was already screwed up before you came along according to Seth. And I'm pretty sure you didn't make her dad embezzle that money, so how was that your fault that she went off the rails? So you see, you're not such a harbinger of doom as you make out."

Missy tilted her head around to look at Ryan's face, his eyes were shut but she could tell he was listening because he'd opened them when she had stopped talking and was looking at her.

"And me? Well, I'm hitting the coke on the head. You scared the shit outta me the other night and that got me thinking if it can happen to you, then that could happen to me. So see, good came out of that. I'm also thinking about moving out of Chris's and getting a proper job. Hey, do you think I could get work around here? There must be hundreds of rich people that need a housekeeper or maid."

Ryan laughed.

"Somehow I can't see you with your head down a toilet giving it a good clean Melissa!"

Missy gave him a slap.

"I could so do that buster, if I put my mind to it…anyway there might be fringe benefits to staying here."

Ryan sighed.

"I'm not going to be here Melissa…I told you I'm heading back to juvie and that's that."

"Haven't you even looked at any of your messages 'cause I did…Yeah wrong of me but I'm a female and naturally nosey. I gotta tell you Ryan that they seem pretty hell bent on telling you things are going to be alright."

Missy lent over and picked up his mobile and opened it. The phone had no messages.

"Did you read them?"

Missy looked at Ryan's face. His expression said it all.

"Jesus Ryan, you didn't read one of them?" Missy thrust the phone into his hands. "Ring them!"

"Missy, Just leave it…"

Missy grew stern.

"Well, it's a good thing I sent them a message to say you were with me then, isn't it? I'm not sure how much of a comfort that would be though considering the last time you were with me you OD on coke but at least they know you haven't jumped off the pier. Yeah, I'm an interfering bitch I know but ya love me!"

Ryan hugged her close.

"You know what...I rang you 'cause I wanted to see a friendly face …."

Missy leant up and nipped his ear.

"Liar, you rang because you wanted to get laid."

Ryan laughed and continued.

" I wanted to see a friendly face! I wasn't expecting you to morph into this nurturing advice giving type. Thanks… I mean it."

"So, are you going home in the morning then?" Missy tentatively asked.

"Yeah, I've got to face them sometime."

Missy got up off the bed and grabbed his hand.

"Come on then, we have the rest of the night to play."

She led him into the bathroom.

"You're not going to show me how you clean a toilet are you? Cause that isn't my idea of getting dirty! Although the thought of you in a maid's uniform is kind of hot!" Ryan's eyes shone with amusement.

She pointed to the shut toilet seat. "Sit."

She started running the tub and added the little complimentary bottle of bubble bath to the running water.

Ryan reached over and grabbed her ass as she bent over and swirled the water around.

"Down boy...don't touch!" She slapped his hands away.

Ryan sat back down. "So is this some kind of kinky role play where you treat me like a dog?"

Missy ignored the comment and continued to swirl the water around. She could feel Ryan's eyes bore into her back…or more correctly her backside. She bent over again in an overtly exaggerated manner knowing that her short skirt would ride high on her legs and expose her ass cheeks. Ryan's breathing became heavier letting her know that he was enjoying the show.

The bath was half full of soft bubbles and steaming water. Missy turned off the faucet. She turned around and stood in front of Ryan.

"Stand up."

"You getting all dominant on me?" Ryan complied with a grin on his face. "Cause I've got to say I'm liking this …."

Missy placed her index finger to his lips. "Shhhhhh"

Ryan opened his mouth and caught her finger between his teeth lightly. She pulled her hand away.

"Behave Ryan."

Missy undid the button on his pants and pulled the zipper down, she slid  
her hands under the elastic of his boxers and slowly pulled both down his legs. Ryan stepped out of the pooled fabric on the floor and stood in front of Missy.

"Get in the bath."

Ryan stepped into the tub and lowered himself; he slid his back down and submerged himself, then came up and squeezed the water out of his hair.

"I hope you are going to join me Missy, it's a shame to waste all these bubbles on me."

Missy slowly stripped off her clothes and stepped into the water kneeling between Ryan's outstretched legs. Missy unwrapped the thin sliver of soap and lathered her hands up; she reached forward and ran her soapy hands over Ryan's chest. Ryan shut his eyes and lent his head back as her fingers rubbed over his nipples, the soap made her hands slip slickly over his pecs as she stroked and caressed. She continued onto his arms, he tensed causing the already well-defined muscles to bulge. Missy thought that no sixteen year old had a right to have arm muscles like that; God knows what Ryan would develop into when he reached full manhood if this is what he was like as a teenager.

Ryan grinned and pulled her down and forward into him so she was lying directly on top of him causing the water to sluice the soap off their bodies and slop out of the tub onto the floor. Ryan kissed her, his wet hands lacing through her hair. They kissed for a while, Missy grinding against Ryan's hard on with her belly. The water was cooling now and they both stepped out of the tub. Ryan wrapped the slightly scratchy motel towel around Missy and carried her through to the bed. Ryan disappeared back into the bathroom and returned with his jeans, fishing a condom out of the pocket. He stood at the end of the bed and rolled it on, and then with a predatory look in his eyes he crawled up the bed and onto Missy. Missy lifted her hips to meet him but he kept pulling back with a wicked grin on his face.

"Ryan!"

"I thought you liked the whole teasing thing Missy?"

He nudged again, She arched her back and gave an erotic cry that almost made Ryan come there and then. He stayed still and focused, then slowly started thrusting. Missy's nails clawed at his back, he was sure that after his encounters with her he looked like he'd been attacked by a cougar or something but it was hot how she was so readily into sex after all the slap downs he'd gotten from Marissa.

Ryan started picking up the pace, Missy's hips rising in time with his. He tried to hold on for her as she moaned and built up to an orgasm but he could feel the pull in his balls. He groaned.

"Missy, Sorry I'm gonna …"

Missy heard the sexy plea in his voice and that was enough to tip her over the edge and she rocked in unison with him.

They lay in each other's arms in a post coital stupor, Missy wondering how this sixteen-year-old boy had found his way into her promiscuous heart, Ryan wondering what tomorrow would bring. There was one thing he needed to do before returning to the Cohen's and he knew that Missy wouldn't like it one bit.

**TBC**


	17. Good intentions

**Thanks once again to the fab melanie39 for being a great beta.**

**Dislaimer – I own nothing except a huge crush on Ben McKenzie, that's all mine…Ohhh and Missy is mine too!**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 17

Missy awoke to find Ryan already up and standing over by the window looking out. She lay in bed and watched him for a while. He just stood; she had never met anyone who had the capacity for that level of stillness before. Ryan's friend from Newport was a ball of frenetic energy but Ryan was so economical with his movements. He just stood stock still obviously deep in thought, probably worrying about the possible return to Juvie and what the Cohens would say about his second disappearing act in a week. She felt a bit creepy just watching him even though it was something she could do for hours, so she made an exaggerated yawning sound and flung back the sheets.

"What time is it?" she stretched.

Ryan looked at his watch but didn't turn around.

"6.10am"

"Urgh…early! What are you doing up?"

Ryan turned around and sat down on the bed, he looked like he hadn't slept all night.

"Missy, there's something I need to do before I go back…I need a lift to Chino. I need to see my mom."

Missy looked confused.

"But I thought you didn't know where she was?"

"I know where she is…I saw her a few days ago. She's living in a fleapit up by The Grove. Missy, I was a real asshole last time I saw her and I don't want to leave it like that."

Ryan didn't mention that he had scared himself that day. He didn't like to think of how close he had come to losing it. He remembered balling his fists and having the urge to punch and his mother was the only other person in the room. He'd been thinking a lot about that day. Maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree after all. His father had a quick temper and thought nothing of hitting a woman. Dawn had had the black eyes to prove it. Ryan remembered reading in an article that some kids growing up in an abusive environment became abusers or bullies themselves. He had always thought that was crap but now the seed had been sown in his brain and it scared the hell out of him. He had seen the fleeting look of fear in her eyes. He had to make things right with his mom.

"Are you sure about this? I mean you've had a rough few days…I don't think you need anymore shit to deal with and from what I remember about your mom… nice as pie one minute and a harpy the next."

Ryan couldn't help the slight smile at Missy's rather accurate description of Dawn.

"Yeah, I need to do this. If we leave now then I can be back here in a few hours and it'll still be early. I don't want to piss Sandy off anymore than I have already."

Missy knew he was going to do this with or without her, so she nodded.

"Give me ten minutes and we'll be away."

* * *

The car pulled up in front of the apartment building. Ryan got out.

"Thanks for everything Melissa, I'll see you around?"

"Whoa there Ryan, I'm not going anywhere. I'm waiting and I'm driving you back and don't even think of arguing with me!"

"But…"

"What did I just say…no arguments!" Missy took the keys out of the ignition and folded her arms.

Ryan lent into the car and gave her a kiss.

"Thanks, I shouldn't be long."

"I'll be waiting babe."

* * *

Ryan found himself in front of the blue door again. If he was lucky Dawn would have slept off the excesses of the day before, if not he'd just turn around and leave. He knew from experience that there was no use in talking to her when she was half cut.

He knocked on the door. He felt apprehensive enough but when the voice from inside boomed 'You better have a real good excuse for knocking at this time of the morning' his heart sank.

The door swung open and the man mountain that was A.J stood there, clad only in his underpants and a stained tee shirt.

"What the fuck are YOU doing here?" AJ elegantly reached down and scratched his ass.

"Pleasure to see you again too AJ, I'm here to see mom."

AJ stared at Ryan with a look of pure disdain before he turned around and yelled.

"Dawn, it's for you."

Dawn emerged from the back of the apartment, pulling on her robe. She looked up as she tied the sash around her waist.

"Ryan?"

"If those rich fuckers have kicked him out he ain't staying here!" AJ spat at Dawn.

Dawn looked nervously from AJ to Ryan, then back to AJ.

"Can you give us a moment?"

AJ looked at Ryan again, like he was something that had just crawled out from under a rock.

"Yeah…. like I'm interested in what the little prick has to say anyway." He walked over to the fridge and got a beer out, then retreated back to the bedroom and slammed the door.

Dawn shut the door behind Ryan, then sat down on the sofa and picked up her cigarettes. She looked at Ryan coldly.

"What are you doing here Ryan?"

Ryan tried to get it clear in his head what he wanted to say.

" I'm sorry mom…. I wanted to apologise. I didn't mean what I said, I was just pissed…"

"You didn't answer my question Ry. Why do you keep coming back here to Chino? You've got it made with the Cohens; you're better than this now. You don't belong here."

"But I just wanted to see you…I just wanted…" Ryan stumbled over his words.

" Ryan, you were right the other day… as long as I've got my ass-hole boyfriends and my drink, I'm happy."

Ryan cringed as his angry words came back to haunt him.

"You're sixteen Ryan. It's time for you to make your own life and that ain't here anymore. You got that? Jeez Ry, you're not stupid. Why do you think I didn't get in contact with you? I knew where you were…I didn't _want_ to Ryan, I didn't want to…I've had enough of playing mommy…I got my own life now."

She lit the cigarette and looked him in the eye. Ryan stood with his head tilted and a frown on his face as he processed her words.

"I don't want you around me anymore Ryan, it's time for you to move on. You got that now kiddo? Just leave me alone."

"But mom…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say those things."

Ryan could hear the whine in his voice; she didn't mean it, did she? Ryan felt another piece of him die, like the time outside the pool house when she had walked away that day.

" Dammit Ryan, you understand English don't you? They teach that at your fancy new school don't they? You said it … we're finished…go back to your new family. Don't come here again. Go!"

Dawn watched as Ryan slowly turned and made his way to the door. He looked back at her then opened it. She held it together until she heard his footsteps on the stairs, that was when she let the tears flow.

AJ came into the room and sat down next to her.

"Has that little shit upset you again, cause I'll go and kick his ass if he has."

Dawn shook her head and buried her chin into his chest and sobbed. How could she tell AJ that this was the hardest thing she had had to do, to reject Ryan again? She had made such a mess of her life and she had dragged her boys down with her. Ryan had a shot, a chance to make something of himself but all the while she was here with AJ it wouldn't work. AJ and Ryan had always been engaged in a pissing contest. As Ryan had gotten older and retaliated more, their fights had intensified.

Dawn was so scared that one day Ryan wouldn't bounce back from one of their vicious brawls…. and that was a thought that she couldn't take, knowing that the man she had chosen to be with might one day kill her son. That would be too much for her to bear. She hadn't protected him from his father…the least she could do was protect him from AJ. She just hoped that one day he'd understand.

* * *

Missy knew something was seriously wrong with Ryan the instant he got in the car and told her to take him back to Newport. He looked so pale and drawn. She'd tried to speak to him but he had just silently stared out of the window. Shit! She had known that this was a bad idea. She wondered what that cow of a mother had said to him. It made her want to turn the car around and go back and bitch slap the woman. As they approached Newport Ryan quietly gave her directions to the house. As they were waved past the security gate Missy just gawked, open-mouthed at the houses. Wow, what a place to live! This certainly beat Chris's ratty squat. She followed Ryan's directions and pulled up outside the Cohens' house. Ryan got out of the car. Missy followed, she wrapped her arms around him as he stood in a daze and whispered.

"What happened Ryan...Tell me."

The front door opened and Missy stepped away from Ryan, self-conscious under the glare that Mr Cohen was giving them.

" Ryan, go into the house." His voice said he meant business.

Ryan looked at Missy; he mouthed the word 'thanks' then walked past Sandy without looking at him.

Missy tried to pull down her short shirt with one hand and held out her other hand in greeting.

"Hi, I'm Melissa Simpson, we didn't really meet the other night."

Sandy ignored her hand.

" What do you think you're doing with Ryan?"

"I'm sorry?" Missy blushed.

" How old are you Melissa, cause I'm guessing you're a lot older than sixteen."

"I'm twenty one but…"

"No, you listen to me. He's a kid…you're an adult. He's on probation and the last time he was with you he overdosed on drugs and I can only guess what else he's been doing with you…I suggest you stay away from him unless you want me to report to the police that you've been corrupting a minor."

Shit, he really had the Lawyer speak down pat Missy thought.

"It's not like that Mr Cohen…He needed someone to…"

"So you're telling me you haven't been sleeping with him?"

Missy blushed again.

"No but...well yes…Mr Cohen it's not like that, I care about him and it's not like I was the only one instigating it…"

Crap! Way to dig yourself into a hole girl.

Sandy stepped forward, invading her space.

"My son told me that you used to go out with Trey, that you know about what went on in that family."

Missy felt her throat tighten.

"He's still a kid and laying this at his door is wrong Melissa. You're the adult here, think long and hard about what you know about his past and then think about how a sixteen-year-old kid gets to be sexually precocious. I won't have another adult use Ryan like that."

Was he implying what she thought he was?

Missy felt sick. It wasn't wrong what she felt for Ryan but Mr Cohen had tainted it. Ryan wasn't like a sixteen year old, he wasn't.

"Stay away from him."

She nodded. Mr Cohen turned and stalked into the house.

Missy stumbled to the car and started the engine. She had really fallen for Ryan and now Mr Cohen had sullied it…made it dirty, made her feel dirty. It wasn't wrong…

Missy drove away, tears streaming down her face.

**Tbc.**

**Read and review cause I'm such a needy person!**


	18. Parenting 101

**Thanks to melanie39 for being a great beta.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Come Undone**

**Chapter 18**.

Ryan sat with his arms on the counter as Sandy and Kirsten circled around, shooting questions at him.

"Why did you run off again?'

"Why didn't you call us?"

"Where did you go?"

"Were you being safe with this girl?"

Ryan's one-word answers weren't satisfying them but that was all he had the energy for.

Then the questions stopped and the lecture started. Ryan sat silently. He had dodged the bullet concerning Caleb apparently. How the hell had they managed that? He was surprised that this information didn't make him as relieved as it should have. Ryan realised that he really didn't care anymore. The words were floating around the kitchen but they could have been speaking to Seth as far as the impact they were having on him. He knew that he was probably coming across as a typical sullen teenager to the Cohens as he sat there staring at a point somewhere above the coffee pot. He couldn't explain it, he just felt detached. He had that feeling in the pit of his stomach, like when you were a kid and you were excited about something or you had that dread that some misdeed was going to be found out. It was that weird butterfly feeling that usually only lasted a few seconds but this seemed to be permanent. All that was replaying in his head was his mother's face as she told him to leave her alone. Again and again he saw her face telling him to go and with that word the last vestiges of his family crumbled to nothing. Ryan just wanted to crawl into bed and curl up in a ball.

"Ryan, are you even listening to us…Ryan?"

Sandy's voice penetrated his brain.

Ryan turned his head, looking at Sandy as if he had only just noticed him in the room.

Sandy frowned and looked at Ryan.

"Did you take drugs last night?"

Ryan turned his head away and found his spot again on the wall.

"No!"

"Are you sure about that 'cause we're going to test you?"

"If you're going to test me anyway, what difference does it make? You'll find out if I have or not," Ryan responded listlessly.

"It matters because we want you to be honest with us, it matters because we are worried about you. Dammit Ryan we never thought you'd take drugs in the first place, you know how stupid getting involved with drugs is!" Sandy raised his voice in frustration.

"What…. like when you smoked weed Sandy?" Ryan was surprised that he wasn't feeling angry which was his natural state when confronted by hypocrisy. His voice very even.

" You could have died Ryan. You OD'd on coke, there is a big difference and you know it." Sandy knew that smoking pot was one day going to come back and bite him on the ass.

Kirsten stepped in.

"Ryan, we know that the last few days have been worse than bad for you but if you have a problem with drugs we just want you to tell us."

Sandy sat down next to Ryan.

"Kid, we are just trying to keep you in one piece, that's why I don't think you should see Melissa again."

"What!" Ryan swung his head round to Sandy.

"Ryan, she's a bad influence on you. That house and those people aren't you, don't go down that route just because things are hard now."

"She didn't influence me Sandy. She didn't make me do anything I didn't want to. This was my fault not hers. You forget Sandy, that house and those people were me until a few months ago."

Ryan swept his arm around the kitchen.

"This isn't me. You don't get that do you Sandy?"

All three stared at each other. Ryan suddenly felt defeated. Where the hell did he belong if he didn't belong here? As his mom had pointed out, Chino wasn't his home anymore. Just where the fuck did he belong now?

He saw the look of concern on their faces that he was once again bringing up his place in the family. He was tired of this shit. He was fucking tired of everything.

"Look, I'll do whatever you want. You don't want me to see Missy, I won't. I just want to put this all behind me. Can we just start again please? I'm sorry for being a pain, and I'm sorry about punching Caleb, I'm pretty much sorry for everything I've done the last few days. So can we just do the test and I'll get out of your hair O.K? I've got some school work I need to catch up on."

"We still want you to see the therapist." Kirsten was afraid to bring that up.

"Fine. I won't jerk him around this time." Ryan replied. "Look you won't have any more trouble with me, I promise."

Sandy looked at Ryan as if he was appraising him, and then nodded.

"O.K kid, but you're on your second strike."

Ryan watched Sandy get up and disappear out of the room, probably to get the fucking test. Kirsten was looking at him intently.

"Ryan, did anything else happen? You don't seem yourself today."

"Nope, I'm cool... just tired and I've got a lot of schoolwork to catch up on. I'm going back tomorrow right?"

"I think you should take a few more days off and if…"

"No, I'm good. No point in getting further behind." Ryan gave her a smile.

Sandy returned with a grim face holding a box. Ryan swabbed his mouth knowing full well what the results would be. He didn't wait around to gloat. What was the point? They already had him down as an addict. One clear test wasn't going to change their minds so quickly. He retreated to the pool house.

* * *

Sandy and Kirsten both let out the breath they had been collectively holding.

"Thank God for that, at least he did one thing right last night." Sandy opened the bin and threw the test and packaging in the trash.

Sandy turned to find his wife glaring at him with the 'look' usually only reserved for forgotten anniversaries.

"Sandy, I think you were wrong in telling him not to see Melissa."

Kirsten was annoyed that her normally perceptive husband couldn't see that Ryan had reached out to Melissa. Ryan, master of coping with things himself had actually contacted this girl. That was a big step forward for Ryan and Sandy had just quashed that.

"Ohhh you've got to be kidding me Kirsten. You saw what she's like, what is a girl like that doing with a kid like Ryan? They weren't just having a sleepover last night you can bet your bottom dollar on that. He should be going out with girls his own age… not some hot twenty-something. If this was Seth we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

"I know Sandy…. And I hate to admit it but I don't think we can treat the boys the same. Ryan is different. You heard him; he grew up in a whole world that I can't even begin to imagine. Seth's sixteen and Summer is his first girlfriend. Who knows how many girlfriends Ryan's had. I'm not saying I'm happy with him having sex Sandy. You know how I feel about that but the bottom line is that he's going to no matter what we tell him. She seems like a good kid underneath it all. Ryan went to her and she brought him back. She was so worried about him that night Sandy, I talked with her, she cares and she knows his family. That gives her a connection to him that we can never have. When was the last time he had a girl that worried about him? His last attempt at a relationship was with Marissa. I know she's Jimmy's daughter but she was hardly the best thing for Ryan. Did you forget the shoplifting, the drinking, overdosing in Tijuana and I'm not going to mention the whole Oliver thing. Maybe he needs someone older with less teen angst, especially now with all that's going on. If we make sure they meet here and if they're in the pool house we evoke the one-foot on the floor at all times rule. It's just that I think he might need her now."

Sandy remembered why he married this woman now; she talked sense into him on occasion. Putting it like that it didn't seem so wrong. Marissa was not the best thing to happen to Ryan these past few months; in fact most of the trouble Ryan had gotten into was down to her. Kirsten was right, Ryan had gone to Melissa and she had made sure that they knew he was O.K with the text message last night. Something Ryan seemed incapable of doing.

" Honey, I think I might have really screwed up there."

Sandy suddenly felt bad for his earlier outburst as he recalled Missy's face when he'd bawled her out.

"What did you do Sandy?"

Sandy ran his hand through his hair and looked at his wife with an expression that said 'go easy on me, I wasn't thinking straight'.

"I was mad and worried. When I saw her hugging Ryan I went off at the deep end. I told her I'd report her to the police."

"Ohh Sandy."

"That's not the worst of it…. I basically called her a paedophile and told her to leave him alone."

"Sandy she's a kid still herself, how could you? I know she's a bit older and not quite what I'd hope for Ryan but…."

Kirsten sighed.

"We'll sort this out somehow. Come here."

Kirsten hugged Sandy. He was usually so good at this stuff but she'd seen how the whole abuse angle had really thrown him for a loop. It was like he blamed himself, this kid who had only been with them a matter of months had totally ingrained himself into their lives that it seemed natural to feel responsible for what had gone on before.

She also knew they were in over their heads with this, this was so beyond the problems that she had foreseen on that first day when Sandy had brought him home. She had seen then, she was ashamed to say, just a cold-eyed street thug. That image of Ryan stood in the pool house that first day had a different meaning now, the cold expression she saw back then was one she now recognised as sadness. It was the look that she had just seen in the kitchen and it had broken her heart to see that they had come full circle again. Ryan belonged with them even if he couldn't see that yet himself. She just hoped with time they could make a difference.

* * *

Ryan closed all the blinds and was tempted to jam a chair under the door handle to keep people out. He just wanted peace. He didn't want Seth questioning him on where he'd been last night or have to listen to his inane chatter about Summer.

Ryan lay on his bed and let his mind drift. He couldn't believe that he'd let his mom get to him again. Shit his family was fucked up that was for sure. In his sixteen years though there were some good memories. His mom wasn't always drunk and there were weeks where his dad was just his dad. He loved those times because he could fool himself that the bad stuff hadn't happened, that it was all in his head.

They'd have fun together, like the time his dad took him out on a motorbike for the first time when he was seven. Ryan could remember the feeling of speed and the dangerous uncertainty of having to lean into the corner when all your body wanted to do was go the opposite way to stop the bike toppling or when dad taken them to a baseball match, they had all eaten so much junk food that dad had had to stop the car on the way home for Trey to be sick. Trey hadn't opened the door in time and had thrown up over himself and the interior of the car. Ryan remembered feeling smug that it hadn't been him that had barfed. Dad was totally cool about it, they had stopped off at a service station to get Trey cleaned off and they had all goofed around in the men's room throwing wet paper towels at each other. They had all gotten home really late and his mom had laughed at their tales of how much they had eaten. Dawn, when she was straight, was a great mom. It was just unfortunate that those times had been fewer and far between as the years went on.

Ryan loved and hated those times because they always lulled him into a false sense of security. It made his dad's transition back into the man he feared worse somehow. He hadn't known how to deal with his fathers Jekyll and Hyde personality. His mind wandered onto darker times.

Shit, why was he thinking of this now, as if he wasn't down enough? The last thing he wanted to do was think about stuff he had no control over ever changing but this shit seemed to be in a continual loop in his head and he couldn't turn it off. The more he tried to push it away the more it came into focus. He had opened a physics book and tried to concentrate but images of his dad kept fogging his mind. He had never had a problem before locking this stuff away. He shut the book and went into the bathroom to splash some water onto his face. He knew what he needed. He had said he wouldn't see Missy, he hadn't said anything about not speaking to her. He needed to hear her voice.

He picked up his phone and dialled Chino. The phone rang for an age before it picked up.

"Hi Chris is Missy back yet…I need to speak to her." Ryan chewed his thumbnail.

"Hey Ryan, how ya doin' man?" Chris drawled.

"Fine, fine. Look is Missy there or not?"

"Sorry man, she said to tell you not to call her, she was really bummed out when she got back. You two have a fight or something?"

Ryan hung up on Chris.

Great, another one bites the dust. And he thought she was different. What the fuck was wrong with him? He'd thought that they had something. Obviously not. Why did he even think that? Why the hell would a girl like Melissa want to be with a fuck up like him?

He got into bed fully dressed and pulled the covers over his head.

**tbc**


	19. Feeling blue

**Thanks to melanie39 for her help as a fab beta.**

**Thanks to the people who reviewed...I love ya all.**

**Disclaimer - I still own nothing.**

**Come Undone **

Chapter 19

"So Ryan, you sure you're all set for school, 'cause if I were you I'd take Mom up on the offer to stay at home for a few more days buddy. Mom does not offer such a get out clause lightly."

Ryan opened the box of cereal and grabbed a handful.

"No man, I'm way behind already. Dr Kim is being cool at the moment but I'm not sure how much longer that will go on for."

"Are you sure 'cause you kind of look like shit."

Seth looked at Ryan with an inquiring gaze. He was dying to know what had happened yesterday with his parents but when he'd gone into the pool house he had found Ryan asleep. Then he'd gone out with Summer for the day, and when he had returned home he had found the pool house in darkness and Ryan once more in bed. Despite himself, he'd been mature and resisted the urge to cough loudly and wake him up. Instead he had crept out and shut the door silently behind him.

"So did you sleep ALL day yesterday 'cause I gotta say it doesn't look like it agreed with you?"

" I spent most of the day catching up with my work."

"Well all work and no play makes Ryan a very dull boy. You want to do something after school tonight, Summer and Luke want to stop by and check that you are O.K after the whole Grandpa punching incident. Luke's totally cool with you stealing his car by the way."

Ryan shot Seth a look.

"I didn't steal it, I borrowed it for a while! And I'm still behind on my work so it means we can't hang out until I catch up. Dr Kim will have my ass in a sling if I don't get it all done soon."

"Ryan, don't say the words Dr Kim and ass in the same sentence, that's not an image I want to carry around with me all day."

Ryan grabbed his bag; he was not looking forward to the day ahead. The work he had managed to get done was shoddy and slapdash but he felt that he had built up enough credits throughout the term to get away with it; his mind just wasn't on schoolwork.

* * *

He'd been called in to have his inevitable talk with Dr Kim after second period. For all her sympathy he knew that she barely tolerated him. Dr Kim's supercilious smile wasn't fooling him, if it weren't for the Cohens and their standing in the community he'd have been long gone. He couldn't leave her office quick enough and he had the feeling she thought the same.

Ryan spent the rest of the day with his head down, avoiding the looks of the other students. There was he thinking that no one gave a rat's ass about him anymore but apparently the Harbor jungle drums had been working overtime to explain his absence. He'd heard a few whispered conversations as he'd walked in the halls and people's avoidance of any form of eye contact with him spoke volumes; that he was still considered person non grata here.

One rumour he'd heard was that Luke had saved Holly from a fate worse than death at her party and that he had been arrested for molesting her… The fact that there were God knows how many witnesses to what had really gone on at the party obviously didn't come into play when it meant a nice juicy slur regarding the resident piece of Chino trash. It would have been funny had it not been for the fact that a couple of girls had refused to sit next to him in class. He had enough worries at the moment, without being painted as the local pervert added to the mix. He was pissed that Seth hadn't warned him about the ridiculous gossip that was circulating about him but then how do you casually drop into the conversation something like that? Ryan walked past a jock and was rewarded by an elbow in the ribs. He grabbed his side and ignored the laughter that followed him down the corridor. He really hated these rich kids. They were so shallow; they wouldn't last five minutes in the real world without their trust funds.

The closest thing to a crisis most of them had to deal with was choosing whether the Versace or the Klein would be considered coolest for the next formal. The sad thing was that Seth, Summer, Marissa and Luke were the same but to a lesser extent. O.K so they had all had a certain amount of teen drama to deal with but he didn't feel like he could ever connect with them over the shit that he was trying to deal with now, not that he'd ever talk to them about his past, but it brought home to him how far removed from them he was.

Recently he'd felt like a fish floundering outside of its pond, gasping for air. He desperately wanted someone to throw him back into the water. He had thought that Missy had been that person but it seemed that he'd been wrong. He'd learnt once again that you don't rely on anyone else, that way you won't be disappointed.

One thing was for sure, he was going to just try and blend in now…no more fuck ups. That was the key to getting back to any form of normality. He'd smile when it was expected of him, he'd laugh at Seth's jokes. He would tow the line with Sandy and Kirsten. Hell, he'd even apologise to Caleb. His poker face was back on. No more letting his guard down in front of them. No matter how he felt, to the outside world he'd be a kid without a care.

* * *

The next few days had been uneventful; the pool house became his refuge. He cited schoolwork as a means to be left alone. He ate with the Cohens, played just enough Play Station with Seth to keep him off his back, he listened to Seth's monologues on the perfection of Summer. All in all he felt that he had held it together very nicely. The only blips were the endless messages from Missy on his line. He ignored them. He didn't need her now. She had made herself clear and he didn't need another fickle female in his life complicating things. He'd be fine on his own.

He had had two further sessions with Dr Green. Ryan was resigned to the fact that he had to give the guy something; the Cohens would be hugely pissed at him if he jerked the guy around again. So he'd chosen the relatively safe topic of Dawn's drinking. Dr Green had made copious notes throughout the sessions and Ryan had had to stop himself from asking what the fuck he was writing about. He hated being analyzed, his thoughts were his own and he loathed the fact that this man was trying to enter his head. The other thing he seriously hated was the Cohens insisting that at least one of them would accompany him to the sessions. He knew that they were trying to show support but it made him more anxious that he was once again screwing up their lives by making them reorganize their days. At the end of his third session Ryan was confused as to why they were both called into the office by Dr Green. He'd played ball this time, he hadn't insulted him in any way. So why did they both look crushed when they left his office? He'd been doing all they had asked of him, how had he fucked up this time?

Ryan had stopped off at the restroom before they left. When he had gotten to the doors at the entrance to the office he paused… hand on the glass, watching. He watched as they paced. He saw by their postures that they were arguing. Sandy suddenly embraced Kirsten, rubbing her back. Sandy glanced over and spotted Ryan. They locked eyes for a second before Ryan pushed the door open and walked over. He got into the car, discreetly ignoring Kirsten's red eyes and the way Sandy was gripping the steering wheel. They had driven home in an awkward silence again.

* * *

The pool house was like an oven, so it was a perfect excuse to roll down the blinds and keep the door shut. No point in making the air con work overtime heating the outside air. Ryan sat on his bed with his books open, ready to snatch up if anyone approached.

He let his head fall back on the pillow and shut his eyes.

He swore that he'd only closed his eyes for a second but the next thing he knew Sandy was standing over him gently shaking his shoulder, waking him up.

"Hey kid, we need to talk to you."

Ryan caught a flash of an expression in Sandy that he couldn't read; it was the same one he'd seen earlier. He looked over at Kirsten who was nervously turning her wedding ring. He got up off the bed and sat on one of the chairs.

"I'm not going to treat you like a kid Ryan, 'cause you are the most perceptive person I know. You saw that we were a little uptight after leaving the therapist's office and that was nothing to do with anything you've done. It's just that we are trying to help you and it's difficult to know what to do."

Sandy looked over at Kirsten.

"Ryan….I know how you are going to react to this and we don't want you to be upset but we think it's for the best."

Ryan furrowed his brow and tried to work out what was going on here, what ever it was it was seriously freaking them both out.

Sandy took a chair and sat down in front of Ryan. He paused before he continued.

"Dr Green thinks you are suffering from depression, he…he has suggested a course of SSRI therapy."

Ryan gave a sarcastic laugh and shook his head.

"I should have seen this one coming…. why don't you just go the whole hog and just have me committed."

Ryan got up and walked over to the other side of the room.

"Ryan sweetie, there is nothing wrong in taking anti-depressants. Lots of people do and if they can help you why not take advantage? You haven't been yourself recently. No one wants you committed Ryan, you just need a little help," Kirsten tried to reason; they both knew this wouldn't be easy.

"I've been fine. I just need a bit of space sometimes and that doesn't mean I need Prozac…. Jesus, welcome to Newport where everything is solved by a pill."

"Ryan you have been far from fine and you know it. You hide away in here most of the time. Your schoolwork is atrocious; you've gone from a straight A student to one that's barely scraping a C. You avoid your friends at school and at home. You spend most of your time asleep. You're not thinking clearly right now judging by some of your decisions recently."

Crap, so he hadn't been doing such a good job after all. Ryan heart sank.

"I've just hit a wall regarding my work…it's just harder than I'm used to at the moment. And I'm not avoiding anyone, I've just been busy trying to catch up. It's just been a weird time for me…."

Sandy got up and walked over to Ryan's phone.

" So you haven't turned your phone off and you don't have messages here that you haven't even listened to? Melissa has been trying to ring you for days. She rang the house in the end because she was worried about you. Why aren't you answering your phone if there isn't anything wrong?"

Ryan sat down on the bed and rubbed his temples.

"I thought you didn't want me to see Missy again... the whole bad influence thing or have I missed something?"

Kirsten sat down next to him.

"We were a bit hasty in our decision and we apologise for that. She cares about you and we shouldn't have interfered. You need your friends around you at this time and we were wrong."

"I'm sorry Ryan, it was my fault. I was mad and warned her off. I ate humble pie and called her and apologised…. kid, she is really fighting your corner, don't push her away." Sandy admitted.

Ryan looked at Sandy, he really knew how to twist the knife and appeal to his conscience.

" So what happens now?...Is this a forgone conclusion or do I have any say in the matter? Because I really don't want this."

"Ryan, we'll leave you the literature. Just read it. Then we will talk some more. O.K…nothing needs to be decided right now." Sandy patted Ryan on the shoulder. "We'll be ordering in dinner soon, maybe you want to invite Melissa over. We'd like to meet her properly."

Ryan nodded and watched them leave, both casting him tentative smiles as they shut the door behind him.

He picked up the leaflets and flung them over the other side of the room.

Great…. now they thought he was fucking crazy.

He picked up the phone and dialled Chino. He had some apologising of his own to do.

**TBC**


	20. Letting go

**Thanks to melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing to do with the OC!**

**R+R**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 20

Ryan made the effort and was waiting in the house for Melissa to arrive. They had had a brief conversation on the phone, which had mainly consisted of talking over each other with apologies. Ryan had never been the best at phone conversations but saying sorry over the phone was certainly easier. He should have had more faith in her. He knew first hand what Sandy's lawyer speak could do to a person. Missy hadn't stood a chance.

He was glad that the senior Cohens had retreated to their part of the house for now, so he only had Seth to contend with. He wanted to ask why Seth had landed him in it, why he had told Sandy and Kirsten that he'd been avoiding them all at school. But the bottom line was he had sought solitude and skipped his lunch periods to sit out on the bleachers by the running track alone. They had settled into a game of Ninjas, Ryan trying to ignore the sideways glances that Seth was shooting his way. Ryan knew those looks; they usually preceded a question that he knew he wouldn't want to answer. Ryan could feel the muscle in his jaw tense; he had had enough of people asking how he felt. How could he answer something that he didn't know himself?

The doorbell sounded. Ryan shot Seth a warning look that told him to stay where he was as he jumped up. Seth sat back down again with a sheepish look on his face and continued with the game.

He stood at the door, his stomach knotted. Missy in the Cohens' house was weird. She was his escape; he could be himself around her and not pretend. Would she even like the person that he had assimilated into when he was in Newport? He opened the door. Missy stood nervously clutching a bunch of flowers and a large box of candy.

"You shouldn't have…I'm watching my waistline." He smiled at her.

"Very funny ass-face, these are for Mrs Cohen." She smiled back.

All doubts faded…it was so good to see her. He led her through to the kitchen. He could see Seth hovering but chose to ignore him for now. They deposited the flowers and Ryan led her through to the pool house. He shut the door behind them. As he walked over to Missy he was startled to see her step back.

"Whoa…you stay over there Buster, I have strict instructions from the Cohens NOT to fuck with you and I'm not talking about mind games. So you just stay over there…. no touching…no way. There is a line here."

She made a sweep with her foot.

"And you aren't crossing it…. I'm not sure we should even be this close to a bed. I think I may already have contravened several orders already!"

"Missy, I just want to hug you. Civilised people do hug in greeting you know." Ryan grinned at her and marvelled how Missy always managed to lighten the mood, even when he should have been pissed at the Cohens' interference.

"Only a hug… I know about your hugs Ryan. It'll start as a hug, and then you'll kiss me. Then the groping will start and before you know where we are, we are both buck naked on that bed humping…."

Ryan tried his best to not laugh and looked crestfallen.

"I just wanted a hug…that's all…but if you can't trust yourself around me without trying to jump my bones I understand." He walked slowly towards her.

Missy narrowed her eyes.

"Just a hug?"

Ryan nodded. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Breathing in her scent. She just seemed to fit in his arms. He felt the tension of the day melt away. He bent his head to her ear and whispered.

"Can we get naked now?"

Missy hit him hard on the ass and told him to behave.

She wandered round his room.

"My God Ryan…this is a pool house? I had visions of you living in a little shed full of inflatables. This is bigger than most people's apartments!"

She opened the bathroom door and peered inside, then continued her tour.

"Wow… you even have your own kitchen!" She bent down and picked some things up. She scanned them and looked up at Ryan.

Shit, he should have thrown the leaflets away.

"That's phase two in my 'make me a Newport drone' program. The first was going to see a shrink."

Ryan sat on the bed. All the previous jocularity had vanished.

"Ohh Ryan…You've got to admit you have been down. Maybe this if for the best if it helps you feel better?"

Ryan sighed, someone else who thought they knew him.

"Yeah things are bad at the moment but it's not the first time I've felt like this. I just need time to work things out of my system…I just need time to work things out for myself. The Cohens think it's for the best too and I usually do whatever they say, but not this. I hate that they think I need this. I've got my friends looking at me like I'm going to commit suicide at any moment…Sandy and Kirsten think they know what's best for me but they don't know me Missy, they don't know me…it will get better…I just need time and space and their constant hovering is making it worse, it's making it a lot worse. I just want to be alone."

"Have you told them that?" Missy put her arm around his shoulders.

"I've tried but they seem to think that it's another manifestation of my spiralling depression. I'm used to being alone when I feel like this Missy…in Chino, if I disappeared for a few days no one cared. You've got some people like Seth who love company and noise…and you've got me and I've always been the same, I need space. The Cohens think it's unhealthy to just want to be by myself. I just want to get away but they see that as running away from my problems…I see it as facing them. So I guess we'll never agree on it."

"Where did you used to go… before?"

Ryan looked at Missy.

"I just used to hitchhike to a place I'd never been, I could be just an hour away but it made the difference… I'd find myself helping out at a garage or a diner. It helped put things into perspective you know. Meeting new people, hearing about their lives. No one knew anything about me, and that was liberating. To meet people and know that you didn't have to impress them because you were only there for a few days. That's how I met you, Missy… except you got under my skin."

Missy felt teary…why did that sound like the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to her?

"You got under mine too." Missy lent forward and kissed him. Screw the rules. Kissing would be O.K. Except that Ryan didn't kiss like most men and they soon found themselves engaged in a heavy petting session.

The door opened and they both flew apart.

"Holy cow…I'm sorry...um, I was just sent to tell you that takeout is here."

Seth was shielding his eyes like he'd just caught them doing something entirely different.

"But I can see you're busy."

They both smoothed down their clothing, and looked guiltily at one another.

"For God's sake Seth, we weren't doing anything." Ryan said exasperated at Seth's histrionics.

"Well don't let Mom and Dad catch you not doing anything, they told me to tell you that the blinds should be up if you are out here."

Seth grinned at Ryan.

"And Ryan… you might want to wipe off that lipstick you're wearing before you come into eat, otherwise Mom and Dad will definitely know what you both were doing in here!"

Ryan threw a pillow at him and Seth retreated laughing.

"_This_ is why you shouldn't have crossed that imaginary line Ryan!" Missy swiped his arm.

* * *

Dinner hadn't been as bad as Ryan had thought it would be. Missy could charm the birds out of the trees. Seth had spent most of the evening staring at her with a glazed look on his face that would have earned him a serious rage blackout from Summer if she had seen it. Sandy was more than nice to her, which led Ryan to wonder what he had actually said to her. It had apparently been bad for him to grovel as much he was doing. As Ryan washed the dishes, Missy had asked Kirsten if she could see the new model house she was working on, thus making a friend for life. They had gone off to her study chatting like they had known each other for ages.

Sandy came into the kitchen carrying the rest of the dishes. They washed in silence for a while until Sandy said what he had obviously come out to say.

"I'm sorry for making such a snap decision about her Ryan, she seems like a nice girl."

"She is." Ryan responded and left it at that.

"It was the whole drug thing and I blamed her…I'm sorry O.K?"

Ryan reflected that now would not be a good time for him to find out that the drugs were hers. Even though it had been his fault for taking them.

"Thanks for tonight Sandy, it's been great."

Sandy gave Ryan a smile.

"The rules still apply though…blinds up when you are in the pool house. I know it's too late for this but don't just rush into things Ryan, you haven't known her that long. But if you do…. be responsible."

God there it was, the Talk. Ryan mumbled that he would be safe.

Sandy looked as embarrassed as he did. So they went back to quietly washing and stacking the dishes in the washer.

* * *

The next afternoon at school Ryan was in the student lounge with the others. He was trying his best but he could tell he was making the others nervous. Their constant cheerful banter sounded false to his ears. Everyone was just trying too hard, himself included. It didn't help when Marissa came over obviously wanting to talk about the whole Oliver thing again. He felt bad for her but he couldn't let her back in. Things were still too raw for him. He had gone out on a limb for her to try and protect her, only to have it thrown back in his face.

He sighed inwardly and followed her to the corner of the room. He could see Seth and Summer craning their necks to watch. He turned away and listened blankly to her arguments as to why they should get back together and how sorry she was again. He was saved when a student interrupted them both with a message for Ryan to go and see Dr Kim. He never thought that a visit to Dr Kim's office would be so welcome. He apologised to Marissa with a gentle reminder that he was now seeing someone else, picked up his bag and with a worried look at Seth made his way back into the lion's den.

He was ushered straight in and was surprised to see Sandy sitting opposite the Dean. Dr Kim spoke first.

" Sit down Ryan."

Ryan sat, looking from one to the other.

"Ryan, Mr Cohen and myself have been discussing your failing grades and your inability to focus on your schoolwork at the present time and we think that it would be a benefit to you if you were to take a small break from Harbor."

Ryan swung his head around to Sandy…what the hell?

"I'll try harder... I mean I'm sorry for falling behind…I…." he blustered.

Sandy smiled reassuringly.

"Ryan this isn't a punishment, you're not being suspended. We just feel that you need a bit of time out. It's for two weeks only. No schoolwork in that time. You can catch up on any assignments in the holidays. This won't go on your record."

Ryan looked confused…Dr Kim was smiling at him, it seemed genuine and not one of her usual 'I've got a bad smell under my nose' smiles.

"I hope to see you back here at Harbor refreshed and focused in a few weeks Ryan…and ready to work. Take care of yourself Ryan, you are one of our success stories and we're very proud of you here."

Ryan blindly shook her offered hand, wondering where this was going.

He found himself being driven to the beach by Sandy. They stopped off and got some lunch and sat on the sand. Ryan ate in silence as Sandy plucked up the courage to 'talk', which was obviously the whole reason for this impromptu picnic. Sandy finished his sandwich and wiped his hands.

" You're probably wondering what this is all about?"

Ryan nodded, wrapping up the remains of his sandwich in the cellophane. He picked up his orange juice and drank deeply. His brain was working overtime…he had visions of being shipped off to a clinic somewhere.

"Melissa made an appointment with me and Kirsten this morning. You have quite an advocate in her Ryan…. She really does provide a great argument; law school would be perfect for her. We have thought long and hard about this and I'm still not convinced that it's the right thing to do but we're going to give it a shot."

Ryan frowned…. what the hell was Missy up to?

"You've got two weeks on your own…I hope you don't need that full time…but that's it kid. This is a one shot deal; we aren't going to let you disappear every time things get on top of you. Missy has set up an unpaid job for you at a community project in Chino, you'll be staying there and we expect a phone call every night from you…. NO excuses. I want to trust you Ryan, so that means no drugs… be an adult 'cause we're going to treat you like one."

Ryan was stunned…how the hell had she pulled this off? He didn't know what to say.

" If you need space then we'll give you space but you've got to realize that it hurts us that you won't come to us for help but we won't take it personally as Melissa says it's an Atwood trait."

Ryan gave a small laugh, the Atwood family motto was 'don't ask for help 'cause it will always come back with a vengeance, asking for interest.' He looked at Sandy and all he saw was concern, he wasn't trying to put a guilt trip on him.

"I'm sorry Sandy…for everything."

"Don't be sorry kid, just come back when you are ready."

Sandy looked out at the ocean and said, almost as if he was talking to himself, "We didn't know that there was something missing from our home until you showed up. Now we don't know what we'd do if you if you weren't there."

**TBC**


	21. The Refuge

**Thanks to Melanie39 for her help beta-ing.**

**Disclaimer- The same...nothing.**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 21

Ryan found himself in the car nearing Chino. He felt relieved that he was getting away but Sandy's subdued words on the beach had made him think. What it all came down to was his own inability to trust, to let Sandy be the adult. Ryan had never had that level of care before.

He and Trey had dragged themselves up for the most part. Their parents had only been parents when it suited. Ryan had kicked against the Cohens' nurturing. Ryan couldn't just let them in, even though deep down he knew they had his best interests at heart…. he'd just never met people like them before. He mused as to why he trusted Missy so much after less than a week but to these people who had opened their home to him, he was still acting like an ungrateful bastard.

That's how he felt as Kirsten hugged him with tears in her eyes and Sandy stood by silently, probably wondering if he'd come back. He'd just picked up his bag and left. He wished that he could have given them that 'Little House on the Prairie' moment, where he could suddenly say that he wasn't going…that he loved them like a true family. Where he could have sat down and really talked abut his innermost feelings and fears. Where he could talk with them about his past without the burning sense of shame and self-loathing.

He'd had to walk away…to leave them looking lost. He was holding it together by a thread at the moment…. he felt like crying so much but the thought that he wouldn't be able to stop worried him more than letting go in front of them.

He needed this to get things straight…he had too many emotions that he couldn't deal with here. Sandy was doing his best, so was Kirsten but in the last week alone he'd had feelings of hate, fear, distrust, and disappointment all angled at Sandy and that wasn't fair on him. It was all down to Ryan and he had to make it right in his head or push Sandy away forever. If that meant leaving that's what he needed …and boy did he need it.

Missy was quiet; she sensed his mood and he was grateful that she didn't feel the need to fill the silence. He reached over and placed his hand on her knee. She looked over and smiled.

"You O.K?"

Ryan smiled back.

"Yeah…Thanks Missy. I don't know how you did this but thanks."

Missy pulled up at the side of a large house in an area of Chino that Ryan didn't know. Missy undid her seatbelt and looked at Ryan. Had she done the right thing? This was either going to make or break Ryan at the moment.

"So this community project, what's it all about?" Ryan asked, looking at the house.

Missy took a deep breath.

"They basically need someone to do some work…you know, general maintenance on the place. You'll love Sarah, she runs it here."

Missy looked at the house, remembering the first time she saw the place.

"I…my mom and I stayed here when I was about fourteen for a while. It's a refuge for women. My step dad used to beat the crap out of my mom. We had nothing and nowhere to go. We ended up here; if it weren't for this place I think my mom would be dead…"

Ryan reached for Missy's hand. He realized that this was a big part of the connection they had made, why Missy understood him.

"I'm sorry Missy, I had no idea." Ryan knew that she had only mentioned her mom getting hit, but he knew from experience that it never just stopped at one family member.

She squeezed his hand back.

"They don't usually let men stay here for obvious reasons but Sarah needs the work doing and I told her that you were handy with a tool belt. Please tell me you aren't a DIY disaster Ryan! "

Missy kept to herself the long conversations she'd had with Sarah about Ryan. How she thought he was on the verge of a breakdown and all the reasons behind it. When Ryan had mentioned his need for an escape she had instantly thought of this place. Sarah had readily agreed to help him out. Sarah had seen enough broken kids come though the house to know what lasting damage was caused in some families. Missy had also confessed that she had really fallen hard for him. She had come here after Sandy had spoken to her. She had cried for a solid two hours in Sarah's arms. This place was her refuge and she hoped that Ryan would find his inner calm here too.

"I can turn my hand to most things…it'll be good to be busy. Thanks again for this."

Missy laughed.

"You won't be saying that when you see the list of jobs that are waiting for you, the place needs a serious sprucing up! Come on, let's go find Sarah."

Ryan followed behind and found himself in a small comfortable room in front of an untidy desk. Missy told him to wait while she went and got her friend. He sat on one of the armchairs and looked around the room. Paperwork overflowed onto most of the surfaces. Ryan smiled at the garish children's drawings tacked to the walls and all the various 'crafts' lined up on the mantle…the wobbly clay pots and wonky peg dolls. He jumped as he felt a pressure on his leg. He found a large ginger tom staring back at him. He scratched him behind the ears and the cat jumped up and settled itself on his lap, purring and kneading his knees.

The door opened and a tall brunette woman entered, followed by Missy.

"Ahh, I see Jenks has found a friend." Sarah smiled " Consider that an honour, Jenks has a tendency to ignore most people. I'm Sarah Flint."

Ryan was torn between wanting to stand up in greeting and not wanting to disturb the contented cat. He shifted forward and was rewarded with a sharp dig of claws on his lap.

Sarah looked at Ryan with a twinkle in her eye at his dilemma.

"Don't get up, Jenks gets a bit territorial when it comes to finding a lap, he doesn't relinquish his spot readily."

She lent down and shook his hand. She appraised the boy in front of her. Sarah hadn't been expecting Ryan to be quite so young, she had assumed that he'd be the same age as Melissa.

They chatted for a while, well to be quite honest she had talked and Ryan had listened, only adding the odd nod here or there. Missy was right, this boy was wound tighter than a wristwatch and he had the most expressive eyes she had ever seen. If the eyes were the windows to your soul then this boy was in trouble. She handed him a couple of pages of A4 paper that she had typed up with a wish list of jobs to do around the place. She noted that he didn't bat an eyelid about the length. He only queried the fact that he had no tools. She affirmed that that had been taken care of.

She had plucked Jenks off his lap and shown him the way to his room, which was little more than a closet with a bed in, again he had been polite and said it was great. She had the feeling that if she had said he'd be sleeping outside by the trash cans he would have said it was the best place he had ever slept in. She sighed inwardly. He was what she called a 'pleaser', She had dealt with all types of personalities here…but the ones that worried her the most were the 'pleasers'. They spent so much of their lives trying to fit in and not make waves that they didn't know who they were anymore. She had seen many women who had been conditioned by their husbands to be perfect, they all had the look that they were terrified that they wouldn't make the grade. It was the 'pleasers' who invariably went back home even though the beatings would get worse and it would probably end with a trip to the morgue one day. In her experience, men didn't usually fall into the 'pleaser' category and certainly not adolescent boys…. she dreaded to think what had made this teenage boy that way. She just hoped that being here would help him in some way.

* * *

The next few days were busy for Ryan, it felt good to work with his hands again, part of him missed working on the construction site and it was good to use the skills he'd learnt there again. The woodwork in the place was in dire need of help. The place needed painting throughout. It was good to be occupied, to feel useful.

He felt less stressed here. He didn't have to be sociable. It was a weight of his mind not to have people constantly asking him how he was. His evenings were spent finishing off jobs; Missy would keep him company, often just watching him while he worked. That's what he loved about her; she didn't mind that he wanted to spend his evenings this way. They felt comfortable in each other's company not to have to fill the silence with words.

He made the phone call every night to the Cohens' as promised, the conversations were awkward but it was getting easier each night. Ryan didn't tell them much about the refuge. The place was to personal, so he had been deliberately evasive about where he was spending his days. It was easier if they just thought it was a hostel. Seth would ring him to, often putting Luke and Summer on the line. They made him laugh by recounting their days at Harbor. Ryan wondered what rumour was circulating about his absence this time.

He went to bed early and woke early. In fact he'd say that the last three days had flown by. He looked over at his alarm clock, six-thirty. It was time to get up. He showered, got dressed and crept out of his room, shutting the door gently so he wouldn't disturb anyone else. He made his way to the kitchen and set about putting the coffee on. When it had finished percolating he filled two cups and shoved a cinnamon bun in his mouth. He could hear the other people in the house stirring, he liked to be out of the way before they all came down for breakfast. He stopped outside Sarah's office and tapped on the door with his knuckle. He opened the door and stood unsure when he realized that she was not alone. He removed the bun from his mouth.

"I'm sorry…I just brought your coffee…." He quickly handed her the cup and smiled apologetically to the young woman. She must have been the late arrival Missy had gone to pick up last night. He offered her his cup. " One going spare if you want, no sugar?"

The woman smiled and took the cup; she had the weary shell-shocked look of someone who had had enough. Ryan nodded to Sarah and mouthed 'sorry' and retreated.

* * *

He ate the bun in four mouthfuls and collected his tools. He checked his list and made his way to the first floor and opened the door. The room should have been empty but he found himself looking at a small boy of about six crying on the end of one of the twin beds. Ryan looked towards the bathroom to make sure that he wasn't going to encounter a half naked mom but the door was wide open and the room empty. The boy looked at him and hiccupped, his big blue eyes looking fearfully at Ryan. Ryan wasn't sure what to do…he'd spent the last few days avoiding everyone except Missy and Sarah. There was something about this kid that made him stop and walk over.

"Hey…. you O.K?"

The boy just stared at Ryan.

"I'm a pretty good listener?"

Another hiccupped sob escaped the boy.

Ryan walked over to the window and put his tools down.

"I've just got to fix the windows, so I'll be here if you want to tell me what's up. O.K?"

Ryan shoved the window open and closed it again, warped just like the others. He pulled the pencil from behind his ear and made some marks on the wood where it needed to be shaved. He could feel the boy's eyes on him. He started to undo the hinges when he heard a small voice behind him.

" I wet the bed."

Ryan put down the screwdriver and turned to the boy as he started to cry in earnest again. He noticed the damp pyjamas for the first time.

"Hey buddy…its O.K…do you want me to get your mom?"

"Nooo" The boy wailed "I don't want her to know…. it's not my bed and she'll be mad. I'm such a baby."

"Don't be too hard on yourself…you're in a new place and it's a bit scary. Accidents happen."

" But I'm seven…I'm not a baby anymore, it shouldn't happen…I'm so stupid."

Ryan felt his heart go out to him.

"You'll grow out of it kid…. I did."

The boy's eyes grew large as he looked at Ryan's muscular arms and torso, obviously wondering how this person who was about a hundred years old could have ever been like him. Ryan remembered being at that age when anyone over the age of ten had seemed ancient.

"Really... _You_ wet the bed?" The small voice whispered.

Ryan nodded. He remembered it well, the frantic turning over of the mattress so his mom and dad wouldn't find out or even worse Trey.

"What do you think about this, you go and get dressed and I'll go find some clean sheets and then your mom doesn't need to know?" Ryan smiled.

" You won't tell my mom?"

"Nope. I'm Ryan…you got a name?"

The boy got off the bed and grabbed his clothes. He scampered to the bathroom and turned as he shut the door.

"Danny!"

Ryan stripped the damp sheets and under blanket off the bed and bundled them up. He waited a few minutes before tapping on the door.

" You got your PJ's?"

A small hand passed them out. Ryan added them to the pile.

" I'll be back in a second. Do you want some breakfast?"

The door opened and Danny emerged dressed in combats and a tee with U.S army emblazoned on it.

"'kay." He sounded brighter already.

"When I get back I'll show you how they make the beds up in the Army."

"Yeah…really?" Danny smiled.

"Yup, soldier." Ryan gave him a salute. Danny returned it.

Ryan made his way to the laundry; he passed Sarah and the woman from the office in the hall.

"Have we got you doing the laundry now?" Sarah quipped as he passed.

The woman's face fell as she looked to the room Ryan had just exited.

"Ohh…I'm sorry, has Danny had an accident? I'll take those." She looked embarrassed.

" It's fine, I've got it covered…He got bit upset 'cause it wasn't his bed but he's O.K now…I said that I wouldn't tell you. I don't think he wants to worry you." Ryan tried to put her at her ease. "Does he like cinnamon buns 'cause I said I'd get him some breakfast?"

Sarah looked at Ryan, then at the woman taking it all in. Ryan wondered why she looked pleased.

" He talked to you?" The woman exclaimed.

Ryan nodded.

"Thank God, thank you. We…we left his dad. We left everything behind. He misses his friends and his toys. It's all been a bit too much for him. He hasn't said one word in two days. That's what I was talking to Mrs Flint about. I've been so worried."

Sarah beamed.

"Becky…this is Ryan Atwood, he's staying here at the moment and doing a fine job of mending this place. Ryan, this is Becky Roberts. Come on I'll show you where we keep the sheets, Ryan. Then we can go and help with the breakfast Becky."

"I can't let Ryan do that…"

"I don't mind really." Ryan said "and Danny will know I've spilled if you help."

Becky looked at Ryan like she had just found her saviour.

"I can't believe he talked to you. I tried everything."

Sarah led the way, feeling pleased with herself. This might work out nicely after all.

**Tbc**


	22. Relaxing at last

**Thanks to Melanie39 for beta-ing**

**Thanks also to Brandywine for the pimp over at TWoP.**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 22.

Sarah watched silently, unobserved as Ryan showed Danny the correct way to hold a paintbrush. Ryan wrapped the small fingers around the brush, and then guided the brush into the paint then onto the fence, showing Danny how to paint in even strokes. She smiled at the look of concentration on Danny's face.

Danny had become Ryan's shadow, following his every move. Sarah could see the hero worship in the boy's eyes and since meeting him, every word out of his mouth started with 'Ryan said'… 'Ryan told me' … It was a joy to see him happy. Ryan was so patient with him, his soft voice seemed to calm the jittery young boy and Sarah could see Ryan physically relax in the boy's presence. She surmised that Ryan had found someone that he really didn't have to put on an act around. Sarah had seen the same change in Ryan when Missy was near. Sarah sighed. She had tried to engage Ryan in conversation on several occasions but he had made it plain that all talk of a personal nature was off limits, no matter how much she tried. So they had settled into a business type relationship where Ryan would talk about the jobs he was doing, he'd talk about Missy, he had even mentioned Newport a few times…but that was it. He was too perceptive, he could read her like a book and he wasn't giving anything away. He was happy with Danny. Danny didn't understand or care about his mental state. Danny didn't pry.

Becky and Missy joined her. Missy had a tray of milk and cookies for the boys.

"I thought Ryan was a coffee kind of guy." Sarah laughed. "I suppose he should be grateful that those aren't animal crackers."

Missy joined in with Sarah's laugh.

"I couldn't resist, wait till you see how cute Ryan looks with a milk moustache!"

They strolled over to where Ryan and Danny were painting the fence.

"Drinks for the workers." Missy put the tray down.

Danny started excitedly telling his mom that Ryan was teaching him how to paint. He paused to shovel a cookie into his mouth. Danny then picked up his milk, took a long drink and carried on telling the group how Ryan had shown him how to use a screwdriver earlier. Ryan picked up his own milk and drank it in several long gulps; he put the glass down and looked up to see the three women trying to hide their smiles.

"What?...what?" Ryan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

They all laughed as Missy piped up with "See, told you."

Ryan raised his eyebrow at Danny.

"Women!" He shook his head.

"Women!" Danny replied solemnly.

"Hey…" Becky spluttered.

Ryan grinned and gave Danny a high five.

Danny continued to babble…it was peaceful in the yard; several of the other residents had joined them. They laughed with Danny as he told them all that he was Ryan's apprentice and how he was helping. Ryan thought Danny could seriously give Seth a run for his money in the talking stakes when he wanted to. He looked over at Missy and caught her eye. He held her gaze. He'd been despondent the last few days but feeling relaxed and sitting outside with the sun on his face was doing wonders for his libido. Missy recognised the look. Ryan got up and casually mentioned that it was too hot to be wearing a black tee-shirt.

"I'm just going to go and change it."

Missy grabbed the empty glasses and stood up.

"I'll get these washed up."

Sarah watched the pair of them with amusement as they both tried to cover up the real reason for their rapid departure.

"I need to change my shirt too!" Danny looked down at his dark chocolate brown shirt. He got up and followed.

Becky blushed and called her son back.

"Honey, Ryan doesn't want you around every second of the day. He's not your babysitter."

Ryan watched Danny's face as it went from happy to dismayed in an instant. He looked at Missy then back to Danny. Crap, why did his conscience have to kick in now? Danny sat down and hugged his knees. Ryan had always hated it when you'd been having a really good time, then an adult jumped in and made you feel like such a kid. He inwardly kicked himself, then did what he had to do.

"Come on soldier…. let's see what we can find you to wear," he called to Danny.

Missy had known Ryan would choose Danny, and the part of her that didn't want to get into his pants loved him for it. She caught Sarah's eye and was pleased by the look of approval that she saw. Sarah was like a big sister to her, the fact that she liked Ryan meant a lot. She gave her a rueful smile back and went to wash the glasses… not what she'd hoped she'd be doing.

* * *

They made short work of the fence painting; Missy and several of the older kids had joined Ryan and Danny. With the job finished they were now indulging in some high jinks. Sarah watched as they all tore around the yard daubing each other with white wash. Danny was almost entirely white, his dark hair was caked with the stuff. Becky shook her head at him as he came over and proudly showed her his battle scars. Sarah felt that days like this were why she loved this job, everyone seemed so carefree. Ryan looked like the kid he was for a change. The haunted look was replaced with a mischievous one as he chased Missy with his brush. She was so tempted to join in, they all looked like they were having such a good time. Ryan caught Missy and got her with a big stripe down the side of her cheek. Missy squealed and wiped it off with her shirt.

"You are so dead mister. I'm gonna getcha."

"In your dreams Missy….in your dreams." Ryan kept twisting away from her just as she reached out each time. Danny rushed into the fray.

"Hey …not fair….not the two of you," Ryan yelled as the pair advanced on him. Soon everyone was ganging up on Ryan. The sound of giggling and shouting filled the air.

They all rinsed off best they could under the yard tap, Sarah made a note to turn the hot water on full because there would be an awful lot of scrubbing tonight to rid everyone of the paint. It had been totally worth it though.

* * *

They had decided on an al fresco supper of sandwiches and chips. It was so hot that no one felt like cooking. People had started to disperse for the night, the younger kids were having their baths and the others were winding down for the evening. Sarah and Missy were doing the dishes whilst Ryan was drying. Ryan was the most relaxed that she had seen Sarah mused. He was actually talking. Not his usual guarded conversation but honest to goodness talking. O.K the conversation was only light-hearted banter but it was a start.

The sound of shouting outside reached them. Sarah put down the washcloth and hurried to the front of the house. She opened the front door to see one of the new arrivals cowering in the front drive. No matter how many times she told some of the women not to divulge their whereabouts to their spouses some still fell for the 'I just want to meet for a talk…things will be different this time, I promise' line.

Sarah turned to Missy.

"Call the police." She strode over to the man who was shouting obscenities at the woman.

"Kindly leave this property _now._" She said in a firm loud voice.

The man swung around.

"Stay out of this, bitch, you the one that's been filling my wife's head up with shit about her rights…. I'm telling you now that she's coming home."

He grabbed his wife's arm and wrenched her up off the floor.

"Leave her alone." Ryan appeared in front of the man.

"Stay outta this… it don't concern you." He dragged his wife to the car.

Ryan grabbed his arm.

" I said leave her alone."

"What the fuck does this have to do with you?"

The man pushed his wife away and took a swing. Ryan ducked. The second punch connected with his jaw. Ryan instinctively punched back. Why the hell did he always get involved in fights with people twice his size? He had just wanted him to leave her alone.

He was holding his own when a powerful punch connected with his solar plexus. He bent double, winded. In the second it took him to focus on not losing the contents of his stomach, he felt a fist connect to the side of his head again. He tripped over the curb and stumbled backwards.

The last thing he remembered as he heard the wail of a siren was the sound his head made as it bounced off the concrete with a resounding thud.

**TBC**

Sorry it's only a shorty...RL has intervened!


	23. From bad to worse

**Thanks to my wonderful beta Melanie39.**

Misty-kid -Good to hear from the Brit contingent. Thanks for your very enthusiastic reviews Honey.

Christina - I try to avoid RL as much as possible too. So I hope this next chapter delays any work related stuff you might have to do.

Millstone1005 - I spent a relaxing Sunday reading all your stories….loved them!

JenJen… In relation to the comment you made a few chapters ago…if Ryan's not careful it might happen sooner rather than later. ;o)

Silver Dog Demon….Thanks for your enthusism too!

**Come Undone**

Chapter 23

Ryan could hear someone calling his name. Shit, had he overslept? Was he late for school? He was never late for school.

"Come on Ryan, open your eyes."

Maybe if he ignored the voice he could catch another ten minutes. His brain tried to work out whose voice it was, he didn't recognise it.

"That's it… open those eyes."

Damn it, whoever it was wasn't going to let him sleep anymore. He dragged his eyes open expecting to find himself in the pool house. He blinked up at the bright lights overhead.

"Hey there sleeping beauty…we wondered when you were going to come round."

Ryan tried to focus on the shape in front of him, he must be still dreaming. He had a healthy teenage interest in women wearing tight nurses uniforms, they featured in his dreams sometimes. So that must be it, he must be having one of those dreams; maybe this was the bit of the dream that got interesting.

Ryan frowned as a penlight shone in his eyes. A skinny medic homed into view.

"Hello Ryan, welcome back…. How are you feeling?" There was a long pause. "Can you tell me where you are?"

This dream sucked.

"Ryan, do you understand me? Do you know where you are?"

Where the fuck was he? His brain tried to work out what was real.

"Ryan…"

The astringent smell of antiseptic assaulted his nose. Hospital? Crap, he was in hospital? He blinked several times trying to remember what had happened. He mentally processed what bits of him hurt. He worked his way upwards. Legs fine, stomach, he felt slightly nauseous but O.K…ribs good, arms felt heavy but otherwise in working order. Head…shit…the back of his head hurt like a bitch. In fact his whole head felt like he'd downed a bottle of scotch the night before.

"Ryan, you're worrying me now. You've got to give me something here."

The light was flashed in his eye again. He pulled his head away. He wanted to tell the guy to fuck off but that wouldn't be polite. He shut his eyes again…ten more minutes.

"No you don't … you need to stay awake for me Ryan."

"Fuck off." He swiped at the hand that shook him. Oops, so much for politeness, that hadn't supposed to come out aloud.

The doctor gave a snorted laugh.

"That's good Ryan, can you tell me where you think you are?"

"Hospital?" His voice sounded strangely muffled to him.

That elicited a relieved sigh.

"Good, good…can you remember why you are here?"

Ryan thought about that one. Hmm…. Chino…he'd been in Chino…with Missy…ahh… yup there it was. It all came flooding back.

"I got my ass kicked." Ryan mumbled.

Another laugh. He didn't think there was anything funny about getting punched out by a fucking psycho.

"My head hurts."

"You took quite a knock, we'll get you something for that in a minute. Can you count to ten for me?"

Ryan slowly counted. He was tempted to leave a few numbers out to freak the guy but thought better of it. Knowing his luck they'd jab a needle in his ass and whip him up to surgery before he could tell them he'd been joking.

"Good, good." The doctor smiled at him. He had obviously checked the boxes on the brain front.

The nurse injected something into the canular in the back of his hand.

"You should feel a bit better soon. You have quite a group of people in the waiting room. I think they've all worn a groove in the carpet the amount they've been pacing. Do you think you are up to visitors yet?" the doctor questioned.

"How long have I been out?" Ryan started feeling the warm fuzzy glow of the morphine hitting his bloodstream.

"Just over two hours, young man. You had everyone very worried."

Ryan reached around and felt the bump on the back of his head. His hair was all sticky and stiff. Damn, he must have really cracked it hard to be out that long.

"We had to put a couple of stitches in your scalp and you have some minor contusions on the rest of your body but I guess you know that already. I suggest you try and steer clear of any more fights for a while. We'll keep you in overnight for observation. You should be ready to go in the morning barring any complications. You were very lucky this time Mr Atwood."

Lucky…yeah right, that was why he was lying in a hospital bed. The doctor left the room; the nurse was in the middle of checking his blood pressure when the door opened. Ryan looked up expecting to see Missy.

Sandy and Kirsten hurried over to the bed.

"Thank God." Kirsten wrapped her arms around him. "How are you feeling sweetie?"  
Ryan breathed in the warm scent of her perfume and let himself be hugged. Kirsten released him and held his hand tight.

" Kid, what are we going to do with you?" Sandy sighed, smiling at him.

"What…. what are you doing here?" Ryan stuttered.

"You think we would get a call to say that you were unconscious in hospital and just sit at home? Seth, Luke and Summer are all here, as are half of Chino it seems Ryan."

Kirsten looked worriedly at him.

"Don't ever do that to us again, that was one of the worst phone calls we've ever taken."

Sandy sat on the end of the bed.

"The police want to know if you want to press charges. They want a statement from you."

Great… They would haul his ass back to Newport for sure now.

"I'm sorry."

"You're O.K that's the main thing…. No more fighting whilst you're here, got it?" Sandy said sternly softening his words with a relieved smile.

"But…I thought …" Ryan looked from Sandy to Kirsten.

"You thought we'd make you come home? Ryan, we had a deal. Although this latest little escapade scared the hell out of us, the deal stands."

Sandy saw the look if relief wash over Ryan. He felt dismayed that Ryan so obviously didn't want them at the moment.

Ryan tried to think of what the catch was, why were they doing this when he knew that they didn't want him in Chino? His fuzzy brain and the morphine weren't making for a whole lot of coherent thought at the moment, so he gave up trying.

"Thanks for being so cool about everything… It's good to see you. I've missed you both." He squeezed Kirsten's hand and smiled. He shut his eyes and missed the look that passed between the Cohens.

Sandy gave an audible sigh. They both realized that to get Ryan to understand that he had a home with them, it meant letting him go. They'd been worried that it might backfire on them. Thank God it seemed to be paying off. Ryan had actually admitted genuinely to missing them and that sounded the best thing in the world to Sandy's ears and by the look on his wife's face, hers too. Ryan missed them and he had just come out and said it. Sandy beamed. He looked at the teenager as he buried his head in the pillow and lost the battle against sleep.

* * *

Ryan spent the next day in bed at the refuge. It felt good to be out of the hospital and be in a bed that didn't rustle, why did they starch the sheets so much in these places? It was also a relief to be in his own clothes. Hospital gowns fucked him off. There was something wrong about getting out of bed for a leak and showing the world your ass, no matter how much you tried to hold the freaking thing together at the back.

Missy had collected him the next morning. When they had arrived back, Sarah and Co had treated him like he was some sort of hero. Ryan tried telling them that tripping on the sidewalk and braining yourself was not remotely heroic but they wouldn't listen.

Danny bounced around him like he had just won a title fight and kept asking for every detail again and again until Ryan had admitted defeat and had retreated to his room. His head still pounded so he'd taken a couple of tablets and curled up in bed. He had slept on and off for most of the day. It seemed that every time he woke there was another cup of coffee or morsel of food on the nightstand. He lost count of how many cups he had poured down the sink because he didn't want to offend anyone.

* * *

The next day he had awoken with a clear head, he'd showered, crept downstairs and let himself out the backdoor. He'd had the lecture from Sarah saying that he was not to do any work for a few days. That had sounded appealing yesterday, as he was still feeling rough. Today he felt fine, the back of his head was sore but he felt ready to get back to it.

He let himself into the tool shed in the yard and set about sorting out the workbench. Someone had gathered all the things he'd been using and just dumped them in a pile whilst he'd been in hospital. Ryan would admit he was a bit anal when it came to neatness, so he set about putting things back in their right places. That had evolved into a general re-sorting of the shed. He had lost all track of time when the door opened.

"Jesus Ryan, don't do that. Sarah and me have been looking all over for you!" Missy swiped his arm. "What the hell are you doing out of bed?"

Ryan watched Missy puff herself up to give him roasting. She was wearing one of her trademark mini skirts and a tight vest top. With her hands on her hips she looked pissed at him and utterly sexy.

He put down the box of nails he'd been holding and closed the gap between them. She just started her tirade again when he pressed her up against the side of the shed and kissed her, effectively shutting her up. She let out a whimper as he cupped his hands around her ass and pressed her into him. He kissed her, his tongue probing her mouth and slowly he rocked himself into her.

Missy drew away breathless.

"I guess this means you no longer have a headache."

Ryan kissed her neck.

"Something's aching but it's not my head." He mumbled into her hair.

He reached under her skirt and pulled down her underwear. Missy moaned as he circled his thumb around her clit. With his free hand he fumbled with the buttons on his pants, releasing himself.

He continued to probe and stroke her whilst he thrust his hardness between her thighs, desperate for any form of friction against his cock. The thought that someone could walk in and interrupt them had made him hyper. He figured though that everyone would still be at breakfast so it should be O.K. but his dick was doing the thinking now and he couldn't stop.

Missy reached into his back pocket for his wallet. She slid her hand in to the other empty pocket.

"Where's your wallet?"

"In my room… I wasn't expecting any action in the yard Melissa."

Missy groaned in frustration.

"Damn."

Ryan picked her up and sat her on the workbench. He continued kissing her deeply as if he was trying to devour her. His prick kept nudging her incessantly, he wanted in. He pushed forward entering her slightly. Missy gasped and as much as she wanted to shift away she seemed powerless to do so.

"Ryan…we can't!"

Ryan was breathing heavily and pushed forward some more, she was so wet that he couldn't stop himself. He could count on one hand how many times he'd had a condomless fuck. Common sense had usually always prevailed but it felt so good. His cock was so much more sensitive without its protective rubber jacket. He felt like he was entering silk instead of cotton.

"Do you trust me?" He pushed himself up to the hilt and stared intently at Missy.

She nodded.

He let himself go and started to buck his hips frantically. Christ…he never wanted to wear a condom again, every nerve ending was electric in his body. Missy pushed herself forward meeting his lunges as he pounded himself into her. Missy started to make the dirty little noises that drove him insane. He felt her pulsate around him as she came. He could also feel the warning signs of his own impending orgasm. He knew that he should withdraw pronto but it went against the laws of human nature for a man, he just wanted this feeling to last as long as possible. He felt the pull on his balls and quickly pulled himself out and turned away from Missy.

He tightly held himself as he shot his load onto the floor. He stood panting, relieved that he'd managed to do the right thing.

Missy gave a breathless laugh.

"You like to sail close to the wind, don't you?"

He gave Missy one of his sideways glances and rested his forehead against the wall of the shed. Damn, that had been close.

They kissed for a while before straightening themselves out. Ryan scuffed the floor with his boot to remove any incriminating evidence.It would be just like Danny to barge in and loudly ask what the substance on the floor was. That kid was so inquisitive but Ryan loved having him around. Ryan looked at Missy as they exited the shed. They were so busted if anyone saw them, it was plain as day that Melissa had just had a good seeing to. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair was all over the place. Ryan gave her a wicked smile.

"Don't you smile at me like that Buster. That's the one and only time I let you in without a glove on!" She tried to look stern. "And that was only because you've been in the wars recently."

"Understood ma'am." Ryan couldn't help grinning.

* * *

They tried to sneak into the house but got waylaid in the kitchen by Sarah. Ryan could instantly see that something was troubling her. Before he could question her he heard Danny's plaintive voice from the hall.

"But I don't WANT to go. I want to stay here." He shouted.

They heard Danny stomp up the stairs.

Sarah reached out and grabbed Ryan's arm.

"Becky heard from her mom a little while ago, they're leaving in an hour for Wisconsin."

Missy looked at Ryan as he stood looking bewildered, she reached out to put her arms around him. Ryan stepped back and crossed his arms.

Ryan felt a rush of emotions that he couldn't comprehend. He looked at Missy and swallowed. He physically felt the black dogs returning as he felt his world crumble. Why did this have to happen now?

TBC


	24. Come Undone

**Thanks once again to melanie39 for all her help.**

**Thanks to all you kind reviewers...I love ya all.**

**Disclaimer - I own nothing.**

**Come Undone**

Chapter 24

Ryan had made his way to his smoking place; it was behind a large tree at the back of the yard and out of view from the house. He could smoke here and not attract the attention of the kids in the house. The dappled light that filtered through the leaves was perfect for reflecting, the pile of cigarette butts told the tale. If he couldn't sleep he'd come out here, during the day when he wanted a quite few minutes away from the house, this was where he came.

He felt so stupid, why had he never thought that Danny would be leaving here. It was dumb; he knew this place was only a stopgap for people to get back on their feet. He just couldn't shake the feelings he was having about Danny leaving. As a child the move from Fresno had been waved in front of his nose like a magical carrot. Chino had been portrayed as a clean slate, a place where things would be better, and a place where nothing bad would ever happen again. Yeah, what a crock of shit that was. If anything it was worse…at least he had learnt to read his father's moods. The seemingly endless stream of drifters and spongers that replaced him were not so easy to judge and he'd had the fucking bruises to prove it. One thing Chino had taught him was that life wasn't a bowl of cherries and never would be.

What if Danny went on to have the same shit as he did? Becky seemed a million miles from what Dawn was like but what the hell did he know? Dawn could be charming and charismatic when she wanted to be, she had fooled enough Social Services people with her fine acting skills, and that was the problem. Fifty percent of the time she was together, she was fun, she was a great mom. A mom that made you laugh, a mom that made cookies for you when you came home from school. It was the other fifty percent that had made his life shit.

Dawn was always influenced by whoever was in her life at the time. If the bloke was a useless piece of crap then that's what Dawn became. It was like she leeched the bad qualities from the men by osmosis… that was the polite way of putting it…in reality she let whoever she was banging control her life because she was too weak and needy to do anything else. The few decent men she hooked up with had made such a difference to the Atwood house atmosphere but it never lasted…Mom had been drawn to the seedier side of life and it always seemed to win. The upshot was that Dawn had stood by whilst a series of men had used Trey and himself as punch bags because having someone in her bed obviously had priority over keeping them out of harm's way.

He wanted more than anything to protect Danny. He would not let history repeat itself. Ryan turned over the card he held in his hand. He wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve and gave a loud sniff. Danny couldn't become another statistic. Ryan wouldn't let it happen.

He looked at the battered card.

He wondered if Sandy had felt this way when he had handed him this card…. If he saw the same fear and uncertainty in him that day as he now saw in Danny?

Ryan thought about what would have happened to him if he hadn't rung Sandy that day. He'd probably be on the streets or more likely back in jail, carrying on the Atwood family tradition. The thing was, he couldn't explain why he had rung Sandy. The more he thought about it, the more it didn't make sense. He had slept rough before, hell he knew that if he'd rung Theresa back later that night when she had gotten home she would have sorted something out. Why had he rung Sandy that day?

He rested his head against the tree trunk and inhaled the smoke deeply into his lungs. Why wasn't anything ever simple in life?

Ryan had the feeling he was being watched; he looked up and saw Jenks staring at him from the branch overhead. Ryan reached out with his hand and the cat casually got up and nimbly climbed down the boughs and landed with a thump at his side. Ryan rubbed the cat under his chin; Jenks started purring like an engine and rolled over on his back for his tummy to be tickled.

"You don't know how lucky you are cat, you don't have to think beyond your next meal, sleep and tom cat-ing around. That's quite a life you've got there. I don't suppose you fancy trading places?"

Ryan jumped as Missy's voice broke the silence.

"You do know he's not going to answer you?"

"Hey!" Ryan kept his head bowed and concentrated on stroking Jenks.

"They're waiting for the cab…Danny is a little upset that you haven't been to see him off."

Ryan shut his eyes briefly. He could do this.

"Missy…I don't want to...I mean in front of people…" Ryan looked up.

Missy saw his red rimmed eyes and understood.

"I'll bring him out?"

"Thanks."

"You O.K?"

"Honestly…." Ryan's voice was shaky again, heralding the onset of more tears. "No."

Melissa knelt down and kissed him on the forehead.

"I'll go get him."

A few minutes later Danny stood in front of Ryan, uncertainty in his eyes.

"Don't you like me anymore?" he asked in the direct way kids have.

"God no Danny…it's not that …I just…. look sit down."

Danny sat and looked at Ryan with a confused expression on his face.

Ryan took a deep breath.

"I know we haven't known each other long but I'm going to miss having you around, I mean that…. Before you go I want you to have something and I want you to promise me that no matter what, you will keep this and call me if you need to." Ryan handed Danny Sandy's card. He'd written his extension in the pool house, his mobile and his name on the back. "If anyone gives you any reason to feel uncomfortable or hurts you in any way…promise you'll ring me… O.K?"

Danny nodded solemnly.

"I mean it, any time day or night... even if it's for a chat or someone is giving you grief at school…anything. Don't bottle stuff up Danny."

"But I don't want to go to stupid Madison, I want to stay here and help you fix this place, I want to stay here."

"I know you do kid, but sometimes we all have to do things we don't want."

Danny started crying, his sobs intensified and soon Danny was trying to catch his breath. Ryan pulled him in for a hug. Ryan remembered that first morning they had met and the days following. He had loved having the kid around, they had fallen into a natural friendship. Ryan supposed that it worked a bit like the dynamic he and Seth had where Ryan just tended to listen to the constant flow of words. Danny had gradually opened up to him and let slip things about his own father that had made Ryan's blood run cold. He'd thanked God that Becky had had the strength to do what his own mother hadn't and had gotten Danny away from the harm but Ryan knew that the memories stayed with you every waking moment. He wished so much that Danny would go on to have the happy life he deserved…so that maybe in time the good things would out weigh the bad memories, if that was possible.

Ryan spoke softly to Danny as the little boy clung to him.

"Don't let anyone ever put you down you hear me? Don't let anyone ever tell you that you'll amount to nothing Danny…. You can be whoever and whatever you want in life and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise."

Danny pulled away still listening intently.

"Do you understand me? Don't become a shadow…be who you want to be."

Ryan knew this was probably going over the young boy's head but this was his only shot, he'd probably never hear from this kid again so he hoped that somehow this would sink in.

They both heard Sarah call out that the cab was here.

"Can you come with us?" Danny said quietly, clutching at straws.

Ryan shook his head; he helped the boy up and looked over to where Sarah and Missy stood.

"You better go now." Ryan gave him a weak smile. "Jeez Danny, you got me to cry. I'll cut you a deal; I won't tell anyone if you don't. Deal?"

Ryan wiped his eyes and Danny followed suit. Danny threw himself at Ryan's knees and hugged.

"I'm going to miss you. You take care." Ryan gently pushed him away. "You gotta go on maneuvres now soldier."

Sara held out her hand to Danny. He gave one last look at Ryan then walked to the house. Ryan laced his hands behind his head and let out a shaky sigh. Missy enveloped him in a hug, Ryan wrapped his arms around her and squeezed.

"Missy, I need to borrow the car…there is something I need to do."

Missy whispered in his ear.

"It's about time Ryan...tell them."

* * *

Ryan sat on the patio watching the ocean for a while before he picked up his phone and dialled.

"Hello…Sandy Cohen."

Ryan took a deep breath.

"Sandy, it's me…I think we need to talk."

"Ryan…is everything alright?"

Ryan paused before answering.

"No Sandy it isn't…. it hasn't been for a long time."

That hadn't been as difficult to say as he'd thought.

"Where are you…I'll come and get you?"

"I'm at your house…I mean at the house." Ryan sighed. "Sandy, I'm at home."

Sandy was waiting out front for Kirsten to arrive. He had to stop himself from rushing inside. His instincts told him that Kirsten needed to be here, this was the first time Ryan had reached out to him voluntarily and Sandy couldn't help but hope that this might be the turning point.

Kirsten screeched up in her car. She got out and slammed the door shut.

"Sandy, what's going on? How is he?" Kirsten was breathless as if she hadn't exhaled since leaving The Newport Group.

"I don't know Kirsten, I haven't been in yet. I was waiting for you."

Kirsten looked distraught.

"You don't think he wants to tell us that he's not coming back."

Sandy frowned…he hadn't thought of that scenario. He couldn't explain it but he felt that from Ryan's few seemingly ominous words over the phone that this was not something to worry about but there was only one way to find out. Sandy held out his hand and they both went into the house with some sense of trepidation.

They found Ryan sat at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in his hands. He looked up as they entered the room. Sandy saw the same kid as he did that day in juvie, the haunted look was there, the tension in his body but there was one difference…. Sandy tried to put his finger on it, then it came to him…the attitude was missing. The piss and vinegar that Ryan had displayed at that first meeting and several times since was absent…instead a scared kid sat in its place.

The atmosphere in the room was charged, unspoken words seemed to float and dance in the air. Sandy let the kid gather his thoughts. Kirsten started to question Ryan but Sandy cut her off with a look and shook his head. Ryan seemed to be trying to figure out how to start the conversation and Sandy knew that it was important that he did, that he was the one to speak first.

Sandy watched Ryan as he sat with his hands cupped around his coffee, he was staring intently at it…then he took a deep breath before he spoke…his voice quiet and scratchy belying his nerves.

"I officially have no family now, Mom told me this week that she didn't want to see me anymore and Trey…well, Trey and me came to an understanding at Thanksgiving that it would be best if we severed ties. That's my family for you; we aren't exactly the Brady Bunch. The thing is I've always been used to being alone…even when there were people around me, I felt happy alone. I never needed anyone before. I don't let people in because I think what's the point? They aren't going to be around for long anyway…so what's the point? I don't like people interfering in my life…. I've always thought that that was the one thing I had control over…but I was wrong. I've learnt that I've never had control, that was a fucking illusion…my life has control over me. So what I guess I'm trying to say is sorry. I'm sorry that I take and give you nothing in return. You've let me into your lives, your home and I keep pushing you away because of my stubborn pride."

Ryan raised his eyes from his cup and looked at the Cohens.

"I realized today that I didn't have to do everything myself anymore, that you wouldn't have me here unless you didn't want me here. You've shown me that so many times and I kept questioning it. I guess I really need to work on my trust issues but I don't know how."

Sandy was so tempted to stop this, Ryan seemed so vulnerable sat there bearing his soul, his hands were shaking and twin rivers of tears were snaking their way down his cheeks. This must be torture for a kid like Ryan.

"The thing I realized more than anything today was I can't deal with what my father did... I'm not sure that I ever will. I feel dirty, ashamed. I've hated him more as the years have gone on but most of all I think I hate myself…. The bottom line is he abused us …he abused me and I can't handle it."

Sandy reached out and clung onto Kirsten's hand. He could see that she was trying to keep it together for Ryan's sake.

"I've tried to ignore how I feel, to lock this shit away but it's always there just under the surface and I don't want to have to deal with it anymore."

Ryan took and angry swipe at the tears on his face.

"I think I might be heading for the nut house…I can't seem to stop crying like a fucking baby recently…. I really need your help…if you're still willing to give it. I need you."

Sandy watched as Ryan looked from him to Kirsten as if after all he had said, he still expected them to turn him away.

"Oh kid!"

Sandy descended on him and hugged him, Kirsten was not far behind. Sandy doubted that he could breathe they squeezed so tight but Ryan didn't seem to mind.

There was a slightly awkward silence when they all broke away and wiped their eyes. Sandy lightened the mood.

"And Kirsten's not even a hugger."

Ryan gave a grateful laugh.

"Can I just say one more thing?"

Kirsten and Sandy waited with baited breath as to what the further revelation would be.

"Dr Green is a prick…. can I see someone else?" Ryan hoped that they wouldn't still make him see the odious bastard.

Sandy laughed.

"You're right Ryan. Dr Green_ IS_ a prick…we promise this time to find someone that you at least get on with."

The look of relief on Ryan's face was a picture…probably the same look Sandy suspected that Dr Green would have when they terminated his services.

It had been a long struggle but they seemed to have turned a corner.

* * *

**Four months later**

Ryan felt better than he had in years. O.K he hadn't exactly turned into Pollyanna overnight, he was still prone to his moods…he still liked to 'brood' as Seth called it but he was more relaxed. His probation had finished and he really felt like this was a fresh start. He no longer looked for hidden meaning in every word spoken to him and he was more open with the Cohens. He was still a very private person but he was trying.

Missy was still in his life. She was working full time at the refuge now. Once Kirsten had found out the true nature of the place she had thrown herself into a whirlwind of activity. There didn't seem to be a month that went by that didn't have a fundraiser for the place. Sandy had set up a trust ensuring that the shelter would have funding for many years to come. Sarah was so pleased that for once she didn't have to worry about the money side of things and she was even in negotiations to purchase another property in the next town and planned to open a shelter there.

Ryan still did all the maintenance around the place even though they could now afford to hire professionals. It was the one place Missy and he could be alone. The Cohens had kept the 'blinds up one foot on the floor at all times rule' at the house but here they had privacy. They thought that they were discreet but as they made their way out to the shed one afternoon they realized that maybe they hadn't been quite so stealth after all. The front of the shed now had a plaque on the door saying 'The Love Shack'. On opening the door they had found that someone had reorganized the place. It now held a single fold out bed and curtains had been tacked at the windows. A large bowl of condoms sat on the workbench with a notice to 'be safe' pinned on the wall. Ryan suspected Sarah…he also suspected that Missy talked too much and his continual pleas for just one more time without a condom had been discussed at length. Damn women and their need to gossip…but the place was an improvement and they didn't have to worry about removing each other's splinters anymore.

Ryan's new therapist was a definite improvement. The guy was informal and didn't put pressure on him. Sometimes the session would just involve going for a walk along the beach and having a general chat. Ryan liked him and was gradually opening up. He still hadn't broached the subject of his father yet but baby steps…and he still had a world full of shit regarding his mother to get through so he had time.

Things were good.

* * *

Missy laughed as Ryan checked through the bags on his bed for the third time in 20 minutes.

"The stuff hasn't changed since the last time you checked."

Ryan shot her a look.

"I just want everything to be perfect." Ryan responded, wondering if his gift ideas were going to go down well.

Missy wandered over and out her arms around his neck.

"It will be, although I'm not sure who's more excited about this visit you, Danny or Becky?"

"Becky?" Ryan raised his eyebrow.

"Don't act so innocent…you know that girl has such a crush on you. Why do you think I'm here...you need a chaperone to stop her jumping your bones. I think she's looking for a new daddy for Danny and I think she has her sights on you!"

Missy laughed at the look of horror on Ryan's face.

"You are SO easy to wind up but she does have a crush on you."

"That's because I'm so irresistible."

" Big headed much?"

"Hey, watch it or I might trade you in for a different model." Ryan winked at her.

"Keep talking like that and you won't be seeing any action for a long time mister."

Ryan pulled her into him and tightened his grip around her waist.

"Is that so?" He started to kiss her, Missy responded immediately. Ryan pressed himself against her, letting her know that he was feeling a certain amount of joy in the pant area.

Missy pulled away.

"Ryan, stop that! The house is full of Cohens and they'll have a fit if they catch us at it again and second, your guests will be here soon!"

Ryan looked at his watch.

"We have about eighteen minutes by my watch." He pulled her towards the bathroom. "If we're quick?"

"And who said romance was dead." Missy quipped.

Ryan pulled her into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Yup, things were definitely good for a change.

**Fin **

Sniff...that's it...the end. What am I going to do now? Thanks to everyone who has kept me going with the great comments and ego massaging. I love you all. big kisses all round


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